Ok, so after reading the original round of responses.. didn't see Cobra's until later this morning, I decided to cancel the whole scheduled sex ide afor the time being.. maybe it is something we can try down the road as I still saw a lot of plusses for the idea. But that's assuming we use it as a way so that we BOTH know what is going on and can have a schedule that we can trust and we BOTH come to the event wanting to take care of each other and use that scheduled time in a good way. I know. it's just a pipe dream at this point.. But maybe someday.
Tuesday is an early mornig for her as she has to be at work quite early, but I woke up to talk to her this morning so she would know I was serious. I told her "I really feel like we just need to cancel the whole scheduled sex idea for right now. We have a lot of other things to work on and maybe we can just save this idea for sometime down the road. I love you and I want sex to be something that you do because you love me and want to experience that with me, not because you feel like it's just your duty. So, just don't worry about Thursday night, as I don't want you to stress about it."
I thought I had done a good thing for her. I was expecting at least a "thank you for taking my feelings into consideration, I appreciate that." What I got was her throwing her hands in the air saying "whatever...." as she left the room.
So now, not only did I just give in, and I fear that I just gave up all the "no coddling" work I have done by putting her back into a more comfort zone, but I still managed to make her mad. Way to go me... It doesn't seem to matter what approach I take.. it will irritate her all the same.
I did try to talk more. What she said is that she dreams every night that I leave her. She has "been trhough it" so many times that they only way she can protect herself is to just shut down her feelings all together. In the early days of her dreams she would get all upset at my leaving her and they would be very distressfull dreams. Now she is coming to grips with the idea and just letting it happen, shutting her self off and pulling away from me to protect herself. She says its all she knows how to do.
But here's what is confusing me... It's her dreams... it's not real. I am not leaving her, have no plans to leave her, and love her. Yet, she is changing the reality of our lives and her feelings to accomodate the dreams. She is pulling away from me in reality to help her face "dream me", while ignoring real me. I just don't understand this. One of the things I keep getting told is to not take things personally. "It's the depression talking, so you can't personalize her responses" is what her friend told me. So is this one of those instances where I jsut go "its her depression.. not really me" or do I need to take it personally?
She also continued to mention my lack of communication... I know, I know.. I have struggled with this for years.. the whole sharing of my deep down intermost feelings about any and everthing. It's not something that comes naturally. I am trying to get better, but until I do, she said she will continue to withdraw. Anyone, especially the guys, have anytips for suddenly letting my inner-woman gabby talker out? I tell her about my day.. she seems uninterested in the deep down technical aspects of my job.. who would be? We always seem to have good conversations at dinner. I just don't know what she is after here.. and she brouht that up too... she said "You probably have no clue what I am talking about, so there is no point in even asking.. you just don't get it and until you do, there is no way you can fix it."
TRUE! I have no idea what she is after and I think that over the last year my communication has greatly improved. So I am at a loss. I didn't feel comfortable approaching this Thursday night as a "sex night", so I let her off the hook and in so doing led her right back into the comfort zone she likes to stay in, thus putting us right back where we were... in no progress land. So now, I am not only stumped as to what to do, but where to even go. I feel out of ideas..
This morning since getting to the office, she has called several times, in a good mood, pricing differet digital cameras, getting my opinion as I teach digital photography classes. While it's nice to hear her upbeat again, part of my brain is going "oh great, she's back to hiding.. I caved.. I gave in.. now I get to start back down the hard road all over again..." Ug.
