Howdy All! I know I don't get a chance to post here as often as I would like, but I do my best to keep you up with the latest.
First off... an apology.. several weeks ago, I found myself in a very bad spot.. confused, frustrated, sad and scared. I decided to rattle the cage in an extreme way. I posted my intentions to the board, immediately left the office to carry out the plan and then (thank goodness) had second thoughts. Because of this, you all had to see my at my worst, and for that I feel bad. I know, I know.. we all have had those down times and we shouldn't beat up ourselves for it, but still... knowing that people saw that.. even internet strangers.. is hard for me. I remind myself of the day that Gel discovered her husband's hidden self... that Chrome hit his low and freaked us out (where is that Chrome, anyway... concerning) or that Baltoman (and other's) finally decided to end things. So we have all been low, I just feel embarrassed in the knowledge that you all saw that side of me, as so few do. But a big thank you to all that commented, even the harsh, threatening comments, I was in a place where I needed that.
That all said, let me give you an update.. this may be a lot of random thoughts that will hopefully come together in the end... I have tried to listen to your comments and take what applied and..well... apply it and let go the things that didn't. In doing so I have realized that yes, my wife is going through a depression. I have known that, our families know that, her friends know that, but she still will not admit that or deal with it any any way. What I have realized is that over the last 8 years, I have been begging for progress to be made, while at the same time, I have been hindering the progress and protecting herself from facing whatever demon she needs to face. I am the kind of person that is kind hearted, whenever I see someone suffering, I just want to jump in and save that person, make it all feel better. Make them happy, let them know they are loved. So as soon as I see my wife start to go into that "down" mode, I bail her out.. I take over "Here honey," (As she walks in the door from work) " Here's your favorite drink, I am cooking your dinner, I'll take care of the kids, just go relax, watch some TV, read your book and do whatever you need to do to relax, if you need anything, let me know." For 7 years, that was how I did things. I worked to make her feel like the greatest person in the world. As you all put it, I put her up on a pedestal that she was not comfortable being on and then got confused when she wanted down, as I couldn't fathom how someone could NOT want to be treated that way. As long as I loved her, she would love me.
Now, I realize that all I was doing was delaying the inevitable. I was giving up all my power as soon all those nice things turned into expectations. What she needed to do was face the depression so she can move thorough it, learn how to deal with it and then recover. But anytime she got close, I would "save" her from it, thus helping her to just delay this natural cycle. This morning the thought crossed my mind that this may be one of the key things that attracted her to me in the first place.. she thought that with my personality and desire to please, she would be safe in her secrets forever.. one of the reasons that after years of really long dating relationships, she fell for me in less than a week (yup, we were engaged 2 weeks after meeting... nuts, eh?) And I was so surprised that someone would be interested in a divorced mormon (while divorce does happen in our church, it is certainly not smiled upon and I felt like I had a giant failure brand on my forehead when I started dating again) that I fell quickly too! So here I am... constantly saving the day, while real damage is being done as I delay her natural progress. Now, here we are... having constant struggles.
As I have come to realize this, I am working to change this. What this now means... my new theme: "no more coddling". No more spoiling. She needs to face this thing, she needs to work through it, find some help and hopefully recover. Now, I still try to be "me". I'll still do what I can to help her, but it far way from what I used to do.
How has this been received? Not well. I am being called every name in the book as she wants to go back into her spoiled life again. I am "selfish", living in a "self centered world" where I "only care about myself and say screw you to all of her needs". And it's not like I am trying to be a jerk... if she starts doing dishes, I'll jump in and help her so we get it done faster. But I no longer say. "oh honey, you had a busy day, go relax and I'll do it all". nope. busy or not, we are both now living in reality and she's not happy about it. Over the weekend, she made the comment angrily while walking to do laundry "I have to make a hard decision.. whether its more important for me to be happy, or for the kids to be happy by living in the same house as their father. Right now, I am sacrificing my own happiness for their sake, but believe me, if they were not here, I would be long gone. And the way you're acting makes me really sad." Yeah... I'll bet it does... your no longer a spoiled princess....
Sorry, thats a long introduction to my SSL issue. One of the things I am also trying to do is be realistic. I am trying to communicate my needs and wants to her so she as a "real world" understanding of what a marriage is in my mind. I am no longer e-mailing... I am trying to talk.. in person about my expectations and over the last week, we discussed my list: Evenly distributed household chores, family dinner at the table every night... no tv, family activities that include all of us, taking care of our religious duties when necessary, and yes, a regular sex life. So last week we had a conversation about these things and why they are important to me. One of the things I brought up is that everything is scheduled.. we know we are having dinner each night, there is no confusion... we know when we go to church, we know when and how to do our chores. But in regards to our SL, we don't know.. it is open. and that openness causes way too many issues.. there is no standard as to when to have sex, how often, etc. So, I presented my solution... Let's reserve one night a week for sex: Thursday nights. This way, we know what is going on, we both know what will happen so there are less arguments. When we go to be that night, she can expect me to initiate. But, to me, the best thing about this is that all the other nights of the week, she is free. She can relax and not have to worry about if I am horny or not. If I do something that she may have at one time associated with initiation, she can learn that I am not trying to initiate as I have promised not to. So I explained this all.. out loud... no e-mail. I presented my concerns... I presented my solution that I thought was fair. I sought her feedback and welcomed it to adjust a few parts of it. And.. she actually agreed to the plan. I was a little shocked that it was that easy. Heck, I guess this communication stuff really does work!
Fast forward to Thursday. I came home from work to an insanely cold wife. All I could get out of her were basic yes or no answers when attempting to discuss matters of the day. She refused to eat at the dinner table with the family. I began to think my whole "scheduled sex" idea was monumentally bad. But at the same time I was torn... Do I be the old me and just "nice" my way out of it.. and demonstrate from the get go that if she acted like that she got out.. by so doing she'd be acting like that every Thursday. But I couldn't do it with her acting like THAT. So I was a bit creeped out by the whole concept.
Thursday night comes... Kids are finally down for the night and my wife is already in bed reading. I had just decided to keep things low key and not push it. As I walk in the bedroom, my wife gets out of bed, yanks off her clothes and gets back in the covers, saying forcefully "Ok, it's thursday... just get it over with!!!" Red sirens stated going off in my head and started back peddling "look, I don't want to do this.. like this" I started to say. She then let her explosive anger fly "You asked me to do this and I am trying to help. Now don't you go trying to get out of this!" The red sirens in my head continued to sound... but this is where I struggle.. I'll admit to you all... I am seriously weak! I so rarely see skin that when I do... it's hard to resist. So even with the sirens going off, I succumbed. Heck, I had a naked woman lying on the bed asking me for sex. That never happens. So even though I felt bad, I couldn't resist her pressure.
Luckily, it had been long enough... that... eh.. things happened quickly... But I can say, without a doubt.. this was my WORST sexual experience ever. All I wanted to do was get it over with as quickly as humanly possible and get out of there and away from the situation. The sex was terrible, she wouldn't let me kiss her in any way, which set off more red flags. And seeing her, I felt like the world's worst person. I mean, I have gotten used to the fact that the only sex I will ever have is what is considered "crap sex", but this was just way beyond crap sex. I felt so terrible about the whole thing, I just can't even begin.
Over the weekend, my wife continued to be cold, but still made plenty of references to the future, starting to brainstorm Thanksgiving family travel plans. She is keeping her distance, lot allowing any more hugs and not responding with the "I love you too" when going to sleep or on the phone. (She'd never say it first, but will typically respond if said to her). So this brings up my confusion... Is this now part of the depression? Is she starting back down to the depressed place and expecting me to bail her out as normal? And what the heck do I do about this Thursday?! Honestly, I never want to go near how things felt last week again!!! But if she is acting herself she will hold me to it, to prove whatever point she is making, and to validate her "victim mode". To me, it's easy.. just cancel the whole scheduled thursday sex plan and deal with her aftermath... After all, I am already the jerk in her mind... the selfish one.. so what's one more blow to her by making her think I don't want her sexually anymore..
I am confused.. tired.. and hoping for some advice.. but at least I am far from where I was a few weeks back... never want to be there again...
