Quote: GH, I would definitely be "on edge" when D4 and W were with me together. I would get irritated at little things that D4 did, and it would end up giving me a negative attitude. I think it's because I was trying so hard to work on my sitch with my W that I would push D4 away a little.
Yep. I agree. Also, my "mr. fixit" attitude REALLY shows up when the boys are misbehaving. I want SO much for things to go well that I get angry when they act up at all. I try to "save" my W from the stress they cause her. I am seeing how I am making the wrong choices but the "right" choices are not easily found at this point. The first thing I have to do is to curb my anger. All else is secondary.
I have a D3, yes, they are a handful because they require constant attention, I know my D3 follows me all the way to the bathroom and stuff, she needs to be glued to my side. Having said that, and not to sound judgemental, now is when you need to shape them and they need to understand boundaries. I had a little boy and we thought he was too cute and too little to understand (when he was 3) so we didnt' correct him enough. They know better, and if he isnt' minding you now there isn't much chance he'll mind you 3yrs from now, I'm not saying be mean and stern, I'm saying, correct him w/love but correct him, dont' let him get away with stuff, he KNOWS better.
I do agree w/the above post, have a night out at least once a week w/no kids, or maybe she can do something during the day that requires her to have a sitter for 2hrs at least.I couldnt' be an stay at home mom, it isnt' in me, I'd go nuts at home. She prob needs some space for herself given the circumstances.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks. W & I had that convo today about needing to "do" something about S3. We WILL do that starting today, I promise.
As for the "night out" I have been pushing for that and have talked at length about that issue throughout my many threads. Suffice to say that it's a work in progress.
As for the babysitter in the day, well, she won't have to do that after tomorrow. They will both be back in school, then she will have all the "her" time she needs to do... well, whatever. Great. We saw how that went the last time she had free time...
Quote: Oh, and one more thing. For those of you with kids, I know I have posted this before, but do you ever have the sense that they are actually in league with the devil to break up your marriage. I know psychologists and parents from the beginning of time have gone WAY out of their way to tell the kids it's not their fault, and in the abstract, down and dirty sense, it's not but I can tell you that whether my boy's behavior is BECAUSE of our issues, or a totally separate issue in itself, it IS having an effect on my W and I and our R. We are fine when they go to bed and those rare occasions when we get out without them, but they are at a stage now where they are a handful and a half, especially S3 and it is taking it's toll on my W and I.
An ever so tiny drop of NyQuil works wonders on a 3 year old.
Hi GH, Nice to see your sitch is interesting as always I was a single mom for 18 years, and people used to say how hard that was, and I would say, "I don't know how married people do it!" because it looked even more complicated to me! But one thing I learned was the importance of having adult time. I had a baby sitter scheduled 2 nights per week, every week. Tuesdays and Fridays. If I didn't have any plans, or a class, or anything I was doing, I still kept the babysitter and went walking downtown, hang out in a bookstore, or took myself to dinner or to a movie. It is just really really important. I'd have the sitter come at 7, so it was only 1 hour before bedtime anyway, and it really worked for me. My daughter loved her time with her regular sitters, which is good for them too. So I don't know what the "work in progress" issue is about a babysitter, but your oldest son is 6 and your little one is 3, and you still don't have this worked out? Your M is at stake here. I am serious GH. Your W has been talking and talking about needing a break. And on your anniversary the kids were still with you all day and night. I am not saying this to be harsh GH, but come on.... If your M is a priority, then get a regular babysitter, set up at least one (if not two) dates nights per week, and start spending some romantic time together. Or one of you will end up pursuing adult time without their spouse... I guarantee you, money spent on a babysitter is better spent than money on a ring right now - so don't give the $$$ is tight speech. Because we all make choices about how we spend money. And you are not making your M and quality time together a priority.
OK. Hope that wasn't too harsh. I love you GH, so I think you can take it from me. If not, please let me know. I believe this is more of an issue of your issues with communication with your W than anything else. You need to assert yourself here, this is a top priority need for you and for your M, even if you are not present to that day to day. YOU solve it and make the M a priority. I guarantee you, your W will appreciate it once the pattern kicks in.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
GH, to follow up on PL, I think this is the hill to die on (so to speak). You need multiple babysitters, so that you aren't dependent on one person. You need to use other opportunities like the "parents night out" programs that so many churches have, or the Disney kids' clubs that I mentioned to you a while back. You need to tell W, in a clear but pleasant way:
"There's no way we can work on having a real marriage if we never have the opportunity to have fun together. I believe that this is THE critical issue in our marriage."
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Just so you know, I am in the same boat as you GH; i.e. no babysitters. On the upside, my brother and his family are moving 5 minutes from us next Wednesday. My H and I are planning to use the "tuck and roll" with the kids alot. You know, we pull up to their house, see that they are home, slow down enough for the kids to get out of the car then peel away and pick them up a couple of hours later - just kidding, but will definitely take advantage of their nearness.
I too think it is crucial to have alone time with your spouse. If there is a will, there is a way!
