Muddle, I don't really have time today to go into detail but I think your post was right on as usual and you asked some important questions that ARE helping me. Thanks. I especially love your philosophical part at the end. I really think this is key to a LOT of this, that is, understanding the difference between, as my C calls it, living in your head and living in the real world, i.e. living/BEING in the moment. I think MOST of us spend our lives in our own head.
Pleaaaaaaaase take her out on wednesday!! I don't know how you guys used to celebrate your anniversary, but please do celebrate it somehow, get a sitter today for the kids and either: 1. Take her to a fancy restaurant she's never visited before 2. Go to a theater play, any kind 3. Buy her at least a single red rose if not a dozen
I managed to find cards for my H wene he was away that werent' syrupy (I love you, for my wonderful H/W, etc etc) Look for them, they are there. I actually found one that had two little drawn birds on a simple background that read "I loved it that you married me knowing that being married to me wouldnt' be a walk in the park" (I was pretty high maintenance)
She might not say it nor show it, but she will be dissapointed if you dont' do anything tomorrow, women are suckers for surprises and romantic outings.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
GH, you have taken detaching to a whole new level...where the heck are you?
Today is your anniversary, let us know what wonderful things you did for your wife, not because of any expectations but because you want to show her that you love her unconditionally.
Sorry y'all, what changed is not so much my inclination to post but my actual ability to do so. I have often said that the reason I am so prolific here is because I have a day-job that allows me to be such. Well, things have changed at the day-job and I am no longer really free to sit on here for hours at a time reading/posting. Since I really do feel obligated to keep up with a lot of you and logging on resets my "unread" threads, I stay away until I have a bit of time to catch up.
Today, since I was pretty sure you may want to know what happened yesterday, I logged on even though I don't really have time to do much more than update my sitch.
SO, on that note, the day was nice. W asked me to take the day off from work which I did. We couldn't get our babysitter so the evening was going to be with the kids, as was the whole day. It went ok. The kids were misbehaving and we were somewhat stressed about that but overall it was good. We had a nice dinner and relaxing evening.
Since I got my W the ring and money is somewhat tight (and I knew she was going to buy me something still) I only got her a card. Actually, we decided to buy something we both wanted as a present to each other instead of doing much else. In addition to that, she also got me a bracelet and a card.
As for any romance, well, nope, none of that. I will say that over the past few days she has been more touchy/feely but the barrier is still up to a certain extent. I can feel it slipping now and then but it's still there sadly.
This morning she asked me to stay with her for a few minutes in bed and as I was getting up I told her in as non-dramatic way that I was disappointed that there was no romance last night. She didn't respond. I held her for a few minutes and then went to work.
It was a good day and honestly, I didn't expect anything more. I was actually surprised that she got me a card and the bracelet. I was almost expecting her to bail on the card.
In many ways, the sitch is still the same, still making SLOW progress and still does not REQUIRE me to do anything different. I am not resenting her as much and my anger is way down. Once I realized that my expectations were getting the best of me, no matter how justified, I was able to get control over my emotions.
I will try to be on when I can but for the time being, I will probably be on a lot less than in the past. I am sorry for that. Please take care.
Oh, and one more thing. For those of you with kids, I know I have posted this before, but do you ever have the sense that they are actually in league with the devil to break up your marriage. I know psychologists and parents from the beginning of time have gone WAY out of their way to tell the kids it's not their fault, and in the abstract, down and dirty sense, it's not but I can tell you that whether my boy's behavior is BECAUSE of our issues, or a totally separate issue in itself, it IS having an effect on my W and I and our R. We are fine when they go to bed and those rare occasions when we get out without them, but they are at a stage now where they are a handful and a half, especially S3 and it is taking it's toll on my W and I.
I know it's a fact of life and please, no matter how that sounded, I am NOT blaming my kids for our marital problems, merely saying that through no fault of their own, they aren't making it easy to be "happy" together since a lot of our time is spent on edge about what's next.
I guess for me in particular, it's yet another exercise in patience and "not sweating the little things" but for my W, spending all day with them since they are still out of school, those "little things" add up really quickly and she is in a horrible mood by the time the day is done.
Anyway, sorry to dump my parenting issues here. I think once school starts again and we work out a discipline scheme that will curb some of S3's worst offenses, we'll be fine. I guess I am just selfish in that I would LOVE to have some normal "day" time to be with my W without them demanding 100% attention.
There, my time's up. Sorry for the rant. There are MUCH worse problems in the world so let's get back to solving THOSE.
GH, Don't be sorry. As much as we love our kids and wouldn't trade them for anything there are times, as selfish as it may sound, that we just need a break from them. Do you think your W would allow them to spend a few days/nights with her parents? We do this 1 week every summer and it so nice for everyone; us, the kids, the grandparents. Just a thought!
GH, I would definitely be "on edge" when D4 and W were with me together. I would get irritated at little things that D4 did, and it would end up giving me a negative attitude. I think it's because I was trying so hard to work on my sitch with my W that I would push D4 away a little.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: Do you think your W would allow them to spend a few days/nights with her parents?
Mama, this is a MAJOR issue around my house right now. W & I had planned on having the kids with her parents for MONTHS now and we were both looking forward to it.
To go back a little bit, my in-laws have ALWAYS complained about our boys not spending much time with them. It was only for our Ireland trip that we left them for an extended period of time (10 days) and since things went well, we agreed to do that more often. W & I both felt a hurdle had been cleared and now we were comfortable with this sitch.
They insisted that we plan to leave them for a week in the summer. When the summer came, W did not enroll them in any programs because the "week" was still up in the air. Since her parents are out of the country a lot, we were waiting for them to pick a week. Well, weeks went by and still nothing. Then July comes around and my SIL makes plans to leave HER two kids with them for 2 weeks (wTF!!! Oh, and there is a LONG history of favoritism in her family for SIL). That pretty much killed our chances of sending the boys down. We were NOT happy to say the least.
So, anyway, like I said, this is a BIG issue right now because W and I both know what that week would have meant to us. Now, instead, she has had the boys home all summer (yes, she COULD have just put them in a program but was TRYING to get them time with the GP's) and we have a lot of additional stress because of it.
I know it's not all their (in-law's) fault, but it's just one more thing that doesn't make our lives any easier.
Frank. Thanks for that.
