Back to Square Zero - GH Saga

[MuddleThrough]

I REACTED to my W's feelings and changed my whole way of doing things. I have to decide what works in my sitch and what does not, and so far, up until a couple weeks ago, what I was doing seemed to be working so long as I got out of my own way to let it.

Your theme is action vs. reaction, and it seems that you are often flip flopping on this. Of course, this is the nature of any relationship, but it seems that you are getting more secure in yourself so that your actions are not reactions imitating legitimate action. Maybe I'm projecting again. This is where I see the importance of creating more distance, because closeness seems to reinforce reactionary qualities.

I DO want to choose to take responsibility for my actions, something I HAD done and stopped. I started merely reacting again.

Self awareness in the moment. Are you shifting your focus towards a false "end" again? I know this is a bit presumptuous, but it seems that you are talking about your sitch in a different way, as in your talk of "progress". To me this implies a finish line of sorts. Not that there aren't clear goals here, because if your sitch is not markedly better in X amount of time, you have to move on, but it seems that your thinking has taken a turn.

I actually told her...that I am simply going to be me and be damned with the consequences.

I don't mean to imply that you're not, but are your actions telling the same story? If you're focusing on what your actions are doing, you're aware that you can change to get different reactions, right?

I will be MUCH more compassionate and empathetic towards her. I will BE unconditionally loving towards her AND myself. I don't want to be angry anymore.

Here's a concept that has occured to me several times in the context of my sitch, and it's kind of a philosophical POV. If objects in your world exists only in your mind (things are only real because you perceive them - they exist in your mind as concepts), you interact with your perception of things, not really the object itself. So therefore any emotion you feel for something is expressed AT YOURSELF, because your thoughts are you. To hate something else is to really express self hate. To love your world and everything and anything external to you is to love yourself. I know it's a bit of a narcisistic concept, but I think it's a somewhat healthy way to look at the affect your emotions have on you.

Thank you as usual for all your help Muddle.

You're welcome. Thanks for all of yours.