Back to Square Zero - GH Saga

[MuddleThrough]

She said I just can't let things go and then said I managed to get at least one "jab" in on her every day. I pretty much exploded over that one. Not really in anger, just pure astonishment. I couldn't believe she said that. After all I had done to make sure I DIDN'T "jab" her and she somehow FEELS I do it daily. WTF?

Even a loving caress will hurt wounded skin.

I think your W is really vulnerable - I have read that during the withdrawal period, there's little that can be done by you that will have any positive impact. She just needs to get through this.

Instead, I mixed in my anger/resentment over the affair into this convo and made it a fight

You activated one of your triggers.

I know I need to back off, if only from the expectations in my mind. Actually, maybe you all may disagree, but I think since I have backed off physically, things have been WORSE not better. I really feel there was progress being made and once that R talked happened a few weeks ago and I pulled back, the progress has stopped.

You said you were going to stop looking for the effect what you do has on the sitch. Now it seems like you jumped right back into that comfortable place.

I don't know if that's because of her feelings or my actions. I know that even in that convo she said that my "romantic" attempts or simple daily intimacy towards her was something she didn't necessarily want to stop. I decided to stop it on my own, something I am now re-thinking. I really feel when I was doing that, it was expressing my feelings and being emotionally honest with her. I think a LOT of my resentment is fueled by holding back on that.

It seems pretty clear to me that you need/want things to be a certain way before you go back to this place. In my sitch, when I backed off, my W said a very similar thing, that she didn't want me to stop pursuing her. She wanted me to be affectionate, she wanted me to make advances. I think this is because it defines her security, and it also gives her a sense of power and value. I struggle with the "expression of feelings" thing too, and because we're in different places in our sitches, my feeling may not apply. I have conflicting emotions because of the degree of closeness I'm allowed. The good feelings (both expressed and resulting from the closeness) stimulate negative feelings as well. I would rather hold off and wait until we're in a better place somewhat for fear of becoming distracted and being lead and mislead by lower levels of my consciousness.
As for your resentment being fueled by you NOT expressing your feelings physically, do you resent her for putting you in a position where you can't allow yourself this expression? I think you need to clearly choose to take responsibility for these actions in order to avoid resentment.

When I was approaching things from the perspective of a "beginners mind" and just taking things as the came, I was doing well. It's when I started to get impatient that things came to a screeching halt, starting with the R talk I started and continuing today. I want to change that dynamic, starting with me, maybe ending with me, but changing it never-the-less.

Well, the great thing about that perspective is that you can snap into it at any moment. You acted, now you can step back and try and make sense out of what is happening without attachment to any of your actions. It seems like you are doing that to some degree already, but I think the more attached you are to your actions, the more resentment you tend to build.