Welp, I am back for another week. Not too much to report... or is there. Guess I'll start typing and we'll see.
First of all, there has been more conflict between W and I over the past week or so. What I mean is that I am no longer holding things in. If I see something that bothers me, I just say something. W doesn't like that. We have probably yelled at each other more in the last week than in the past several years, and actually, that's a GOOD thing because we do it and then it's over. It doesn't spill over into the rest of the day/night.
One thing that came out is that once again she says I am gone too much. Now it is really about the fact that Mon-Thurs I am with S6 in the afternoon and she is left with S3. Since it's summer, she wants time in the afternoon to do things without S3. Mostly she means around the house I guess. In this particular conversation I did a TERRIBLE job of validating. I got VERY defensive because I am doing the S6 things (karate & basketball) at HER suggestion (you don't do enough with the kids...). WTH? Anyway, we went round and round about this, me asking her what she wanted to do, etc, and that I would make time for her. She said she wasn't complaining... actually, she gave me the PERFECT Venus response, i.e. I just want you to acknowledge my fatigue having the kids for the last 2 months and then move on, NOT attack me for mentioning it to you... I didn't take the hint and attacked STRONG.
One other convo that went VERY badly was another attempt by her to just talk to me which I somehow turned into a personal attack. She started talking about needing to work out, something she's been saying for a couple months now. She keeps saying she's heavy. She's NOT. She looks FANTASTIC. I told her that. I always tell her that but it falls on deaf ears. I know MANY of you understand the frustration of that.
Anyway, somehow I managed to get in the comment that it was funny how the only time she has EVER been happy with her body started about 6-7 months ago and ended about 2 months ago. She and I both knew what I was saying. That didn't sit well with her at all. She said I just can't let things go and then said I managed to get at least one "jab" in on her every day. I pretty much exploded over that one. Not really in anger, just pure astonishment. I couldn't believe she said that. After all I had done to make sure I DIDN'T "jab" her and she somehow FEELS I do it daily. WTF? Anyway, I REALLY feel in this convo and other's I have missed the boat on listening and validating. That WHOLE convo could have been avoided if I just said "I understand how you feel. I think you look great but I know it's about how YOU feel. Maybe we can make time for you to go to the gym tomorrow (Sunday). Instead, I mixed in my anger/resentment over the affair into this convo and made it a fight, which, BTW, happened in front of the kids, something I REALLY regret and don't want to happen again.
The hardest part is that our anniversary is on Wednesday. I have NO idea what to do. Famously, I got her a new ring as her present but I want to do a little more for the day. She will get me something but I am really curious about the card situation. She's managed not to get me cards for the past two holidays, I assume because she doesn't know what to write (this is a woman who used to get me 3-4 cards for each occasion). I can't lie. Wednesday is a source of stress for me that I need to get a handle on. I am getting emotional and that needs to stop.
I know I need to back off, if only from the expectations in my mind. Actually, maybe you all may disagree, but I think since I have backed off physically, things have been WORSE not better. I really feel there was progress being made and once that R talked happened a few weeks ago and I pulled back, the progress has stopped. I don't know if that's because of her feelings or my actions. I know that even in that convo she said that my "romantic" attempts or simple daily intimacy towards her was something she didn't necessarily want to stop. I decided to stop it on my own, something I am now re-thinking. I really feel when I was doing that, it was expressing my feelings and being emotionally honest with her. I think a LOT of my resentment is fueled by holding back on that.
I remember posting once that I was NOT doing those things for her, but rather because I wanted to do them. I want to do them still. I now realize that I GREAT and making good progress until I let expectation creep into things. When I was approaching things from the perspective of a "beginners mind" and just taking things as the came, I was doing well. It's when I started to get impatient that things came to a screeching halt, starting with the R talk I started and continuing today. I want to change that dynamic, starting with me, maybe ending with me, but changing it never-the-less.
I am not really confused right now. I pretty much know what I want to do, I just need to do it. I need to center myself and go into Wednesday with an open mind. I don't know what to expect and so I want to clear my mind of expectations. I want to REALLY work on my listening skills and try to stop getting so defensive with W. It's one of the things that killed our R in the first place and the fact that it's back, no matter what the justification, really sucks. I want to change that. That's goal number one. All else will follow.
