Quote: But, your w seems to lack understanding as to why you may still be a little jumpy.
Well, actually, her taking the initiative, even though it SEEMED a little aggressive the way I posted it, to talk to me about the phone thing was a LOT closer to empathy than she's had in the past. It's a step. She was clearly concerned that I was upset but still stuck in that place where she's going to blame ME for things that get me upset. I think she is realizing that she needs to change that approach.
Quote: She wants immediate and total trust just like that. It's not realistic. Again, actions speak louder than words. She has to prove to you that she means what she says. She's not getting that.
I think she WANTS this but I don't think she expects it. The problem is that my not giving this to her seems to make her angry and that anger does NOT help us right now. I think she is STARTING to get that. I do wish it would come sooner or later.
I don't know if I posted this, but in that R talk a few days ago I did tell her that she seems to think I don't have the right to get upset or not trust her. She said she didn't think that but just wished I would not bottle it up so much (um...somewhere there's a black pot quote that comes to mind).
Quote: You know, GH, some "experts" say that it's the WAS's job to reassure the LBS at this point. All previously hidden means of conducting the A should become transparent and available to the LBS to reassure them. This is only food for thought, because I know this thinking isn't really in line with yours, but your W could get a very positive sense of contributing to the M through her reassurance to you.
Actually I think this is one place where almost ALL the experts agree and I am trying to get this across to my W. I do think it's one of those things that she mainly has to discover on her own because If I do too much more "telling" her to do it, she will likely rebel. She is still in that stage where I think she needs to feel like she's freely choosing to do these things, not being coerced by me. I have a bad habit of "fathering" her anyway and helping her feel like I am controlling her. I have stopped most of that behavior but she is still looking for it.
Quote: I agree with WhatIS that your W seems to have a very entitled attitude (not sure if this is just the way you present her to us) that is demonstrated in the way she confronts you about the phone issue. I think this comes down to the underlying issue of the distribution of "power" in the R. I don't think that she has any sense that she will "push you away" and this might be important. I get the sense that she thinks she can do whatever she wants to and the M wont suffer or end. How about putting the impetus on HER to fix it, to give you a plan that you can hold each other accountable to? She's a person, like you are, and yet you treat her like you worship her while she doesn't do the same. Was it OT who said "don't be more in the R than they are"? I think that holds true now.
Actually, and I understand we're talking a few days here so... she has NOT been acting that way the past few days, really since the R talk. She seems to "get" that she actually has to DO something, that she can't just come back and things will go back to normal.
She DOES have a sense of entitlement and I think that's from how she was raised, but when it comes to us, there is a HUGE shift in the dynamic of the R that needs to happen whereby she starts DOING for me instead of, as you say, me worshiping her without any reciprocation. I don't really do that, but for our purposes here, I am ok with that description, and in that regard, she has been initiating more hugs and closeness in bed. I still have remained pretty "pulled back" in that respect.
I also TOLD her that those things needed to change in the R talk and my actions have remained pretty consistent, backing up the fact that I said I didn't want to continue the "old" one-way physical R we have had really since the beginning of our M.
Like I said, this dynamic is a HUGE part of our R and will not change over night. My W is clearly a taker and I am a giver. We are BOTH comfortable with that but since all this happened, I have realized that I want/need more from her and have told her just what I wanted. Now I have to hope these recent little signs that she's listening are leading to "more" from her.
BTW, my W DOES do a lot for me in MANY other areas but it's really in the physical affection department that she lacks. The picture I paint of her, like I would think most of the pictures painted of WAS's, is certainly skewed and lacking MUCH of the wonderful, positive things that made me fall in love with her, and still love her to this day. I wish that were not true, but as they say, if it bleeds, it leads. The warm fuzzy stories usually suffer for the ones that need immediate attention, i.e. the bad ones.
