GH--you better be living it up while you're not here, buddy!!
I know how you're feeling now, I felt the same when I left the house. It was NOT my choice, as it wasn't your choice to let go, but when you do, WHEW...it's like being let off a leash and running free! I immediately started sleeping well, gained a little weight, strong appetite, laughed, and so many people commented on how great I looked.
When you let go, see that nothing is in your control and start to look again to parts of your life that you put on the back burner and now bring you joy again, it's wonderful. It's exhilerating. With each step detaching, it gives you power to detach more, b/c you really start to see W and her issues (which you previously did not fully b/c you were so focused on changing YOU to save the M). But, you see that she has a lot to work on before YOU would ever take her back, that she is truly in an unhealthy state right now. Actually, distance gives you more compassion. Another thing, it allows you to work on your anger. I know you have none now, but you do have feelings you put away about the A and OM. Now is the time to process them.
So, come back here and tell us what exciting things you're doing.
OT voices my same opinion....whatever the diagnosis for W, the action for you is the same....DROP THE ROPE ALL THE WAY. Let totally go...it's a blissful feeling. Turn around away from your M and toward the rest of your life for now. As a friend put it to me (who speaks to both H and I), this is a time where you and W need to be on different paths. Sometimes in life we still have growing up to do, we can sometimes do it together and sometimes need to do it apart. Make this a time for YOUR growing.
Have the time of your life now. Find ways to set boundaries that make you separate in the same home. Show her that she's not the center of your world, and that you have limits and other things to focus on and bring you happiness. You are not there to support her finding herself, let her do that. Let her fall, let her life spiral, don't touch, it's the ONLY way she can learn and grow.
Hi GH Sounds like you are in a good place right now. Somedays will feel real good, others real bad. Be prepared! I just want to toss some more advice at you (if you can stand anymore). See a lawyer, if you haven't already, and know your rights. Prepare for whatever might come up. I know it seems negative but it is a freeing process (I've done it). Check out apartment ads or websites just to know what is out there and what you might feel happy with (in close proximity to your family), again, just in case. You mentioned taking Tae Kwando with your son. Do it! It's great exercise and bonding. I did that too. Exercise is amazing. You can go in there feeling like the world is ending and come out counting all the blessings in your life. Go for it. Lastly I'll leave you with two quotes (I find collecting uplifting quotes helps me). "If you love love, look for yourself" Rumi and "If your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!" You will get through this, we all will.
You sound great Really, you do. Now is when the real progress will start, one way or another. Oh, and BTW, the anger will come back if you start to work things out. Just an FYI...
You know OT/mommy, I am really great right now and I am ok with not knowing if that will change tomorrow or the next day. I guess after that convo and realizing that I did exactly what I SWORE I'd never do, which is go back to the "old" M, it feels like I have a new lease on life.
I guess I DID break things even though it seemed like they were fine, something that TERRIFIED me. Now, things are broken but at least I can see the cracks again instead of thinking they were completely repaired. IF things are repaired this time, I think it will be for good.
The really nice thing is that for at least today, I don't expect that to happen. I know it's ONE of the possibilities, the one I want the most, but only one of many that will all work out fine.
I keep saying "today" because I have no expectations about tomorrow anymore. I don't know if W will move out, ML to me, or just "be" and I am no longer afraid OR happy about the unknown. I just accept it...for today.
Thanks again for checking in on me OT. I still credit you with a lot of my progress, even if I don't 100% agree with all your advice. Without you in the later stages of this thing, I would have been really close to lost.
GH, since the convo and your wife admitting that she may still be in love with OM how have things between the two of you been going. How are your interactions?
Things have been fine. I want to be clear about something else, and I am NOT in denial about this, I just believe that there could be SOME truth to it. She claims that she is still trying to work on us but these feelings are getting in the way. She never said we were over or that she WAS going to see OM again on any regular basis, just that he was back in town, calling her and she was having second thoughts. I really have no idea if she is seeing him, will see him, has seen him, or whatever. I am out of the predictions/mind reading business, hopefully this time for good.
That said...
Our interactions have been much better than the past several weeks. I really think I have let go, at least in terms of trying to will her back into the marriage via my intense desire to make this work. I have to let her find her way now and I have to get back to finding mine. Her response (predictable, I know) is that she has been making a real effort to be around me more. When I pulled back for those 3 or so days, I think it bothered her but she would never say that. At some point, she started to pursue me a little bit. She started asking me to sit with her, etc. I did sometimes and others I said I was busy, even if I was not. It seemed contrived to me and I immediately dropped the pretense. If I was busy, I would decline, if not, I would not make something up. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer afraid of MY emotional openness.
About the third night of this she did ask me to hold her in bed. She NEVER asks me to do that. Rub her back, yes, but just hold her, nope. That kind of thing is something I like, or that I would want in the past (suppose she did too but if she did, she didn't ask for THAT). It was strange because the two (or maybe three, I have the time all screwed up) previous nights were the first in our marriage where there was NO contact what-so-ever. I just rolled over and went to sleep. Must have been interesting for her. No matter, I was tired. I didn't do it so much to get her attention as to just finally admit that I was tired and since she came to bed WAY after I did, I wasn't going to lay there waiting to be her massage servant.
Then, last night, as usual for the past few nights, after dinner I went upstairs with the boys to play. In the past I have tried to involve her in those kinds of things, but no more. She knows where we will be. After their bath, I sent them down to her to get hugs and such. I stayed upstairs to finish some work (normally I would be down kissing her a$$ by doing things that she said she was going to do but I wanted to score points by doing first...no more) and came down to watch a TV show with her and the boys a bit later. I didn't sit near her like I normally would. I sat with the boys and she was kinda alone.
Anyway, later that night I was back upstairs and she yelled up, asking me just to come down for a minute. That was curious because she only ever says that (and not just ask for what she wants, or say what she wants to say) when it's one of THOSE talks she wants to have. I figured this had to be an R talk and told her I would be down when I finished what I was doing.
Well, I was wrong. When I got down there she was just standing by the couch and asked me to stay with her. Not rub her back or DO anything for her, simply to stay with her downstairs. I told her I would have to finish up one thing and I'd be back. About 10 minutes later, I came back down. She was finishing up in the kitchen and asked me to put something on the TV and just "be" with her on the couch. She asked me to hold her. I did. We stayed that way for a couple hours. It felt nice, but again, I didn't read into it. I did it because I wanted the companionship not because I thought it would lead to anything or that it meant we were "back together" again. To me, it makes a HUGE difference that she's not asking me to DO for her anymore. She really hasn't but maybe once, ask me to rub her back and even then, I did something that is unheard of...I asked her to reciprocate...and she did, albeit badly, lol. Wow, who would have thought I could actually ASK for what I want and GET it?
Then, for the first time literally in YEARS (unless sex was "scheduled"), and I swear this is not an exaggeration, we walked upstairs to bed together. I have to admit, THIS took my by surprise but still, I don't know what it means.
So Mama, now that you ask, it seems like my lack of pursuit has resulted in her almost immediate pursuit of me. I am quite sure she will back off from it very soon but oh well.
Am I doing the wrong thing by entertaining her advances? Maybe but that is the part I am talking the most about when I say I have chosen my own path and don't really give a damn what people think. No disrespect to you all here but I think WAY too much about this stuff and often find myself projecting YOUR sitches into mine and acting in ways that may not work for me, even if they do for you. I am choosing to do what I want and it works for me now. If it results in my W leaving, then good riddance. I like who I am today and I can't say that about 2 years ago...or even 2 months ago.
So, Mama, today, it's fine. Tomorrow, is another day, maybe the day we or maybe the day she moves out. There is a LONG way to go before I will believe it's any different.
GH
P.S. There, for those of you who miss my monster posts...just don't get used to them again, lol.
GH: i felt the same way you are feeling now, and yes it took me to disregauard YOUR advice and laid it out there for my wife to see. and i like you got results almost immeditly. just keep up with you and watch your wife chase you around. i did this two weeks ago, and yesturday was one week from when my wife wanted to work it out. i have been giving her alot of space and not much pursueing on my part. guess what she nows pursues me and it feels great. just keep doing what you are man, from what you say, she is comming around, dont be suprised if she dosnt rape you by the weekend, lol. anyway man keep the great attitude, and best of luck to you my friend.
So it appears you can teach an old dog new tricks.
It's good to see you've finally faced your fears and have been able to stop pursuing your W. As for her sudden need to be close to you, I would say if you want her to initiate ML in the future you should treat her ego carefully in that department. That doesn't mean accept all her requests to be close to her, just be loving in the way you decline.
I have no more advice to give to you tonight. Besides, haven't we all said it all already. You are right. It is time to stop listening to all of us and become true to your heart.
Quote: That doesn't mean accept all her requests to be close to her, just be loving in the way you decline.
Yes SS, this is the key to me. Actually, I have found a way to somehow let her know that I am available to her without NEEDING to be if that makes any sense. Since I am a person who really LIKES to be needed, that is a pretty big shift. I am no longer afraid she thinks I am being distant or anything like that. She KNOWS why I am the way I am and she knows what it would take for me to be different. She's seen the difference in me but I had to pull that back for my own sake. Now, if she ASKS me for closeness, I give it to her within reason but I almost never initiate it myself. There is a difference there, a subtle but powerful difference that I think is making BOTH of our lives better.
Shippd, I do believe that indeed, we all get to a point where we learn the most valuable thing this site and these people teach us and that is to MAKE DECISIONS, TAKE ACTION and then OWN OUR DECISIONS. For you, that meant taking a different path than many of us would take but you know what? You were true to your heart and followed your instincts, NOT your emotions and it got you somewhere.
The danger, I think, is when we make those kinds of radical shifts in "being" from a place of emotion and not peaceful reflection on the big picture.
I am just glad to have afforded myself some peace after weeks of turmoil. My mind is a little more rested now and I am much better able to participate in my life because I understand that this sitch is NOT my whole life.
I will keep repeating this mantra because I truly believe it is fact; I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I could go back to being a walking basket case or I could wake up and remember what made me happy today. My W could tell me she's made a terrible mistake (again) and recommit (again) to our marriage, or she could drop more bombs. I am ok with that uncertainty... at least for today.
Glad to see you have come to that place in your life where you can look at the bigger picture and accept things as they are without trying to control them. Funny, sometimes I believe that you and I are on completely parallel tracks in life because I am pretty much at that same point in my R as well, so I will be interested in reading some of your updates and musings. Hope this day finds you doing well, take care,
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Really, you do. Now is when the real progress will start, one way or another. Oh, and BTW, the anger will come back if you start to work things out. Just an FYI...
or maybe the day she moves out. There is a LONG way to go before I will believe it's any different. 