Mama,

Things have been fine. I want to be clear about something else, and I am NOT in denial about this, I just believe that there could be SOME truth to it. She claims that she is still trying to work on us but these feelings are getting in the way. She never said we were over or that she WAS going to see OM again on any regular basis, just that he was back in town, calling her and she was having second thoughts. I really have no idea if she is seeing him, will see him, has seen him, or whatever. I am out of the predictions/mind reading business, hopefully this time for good.

That said...

Our interactions have been much better than the past several weeks. I really think I have let go, at least in terms of trying to will her back into the marriage via my intense desire to make this work. I have to let her find her way now and I have to get back to finding mine. Her response (predictable, I know) is that she has been making a real effort to be around me more. When I pulled back for those 3 or so days, I think it bothered her but she would never say that. At some point, she started to pursue me a little bit. She started asking me to sit with her, etc. I did sometimes and others I said I was busy, even if I was not. It seemed contrived to me and I immediately dropped the pretense. If I was busy, I would decline, if not, I would not make something up. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer afraid of MY emotional openness.

About the third night of this she did ask me to hold her in bed. She NEVER asks me to do that. Rub her back, yes, but just hold her, nope. That kind of thing is something I like, or that I would want in the past (suppose she did too but if she did, she didn't ask for THAT). It was strange because the two (or maybe three, I have the time all screwed up) previous nights were the first in our marriage where there was NO contact what-so-ever. I just rolled over and went to sleep. Must have been interesting for her. No matter, I was tired. I didn't do it so much to get her attention as to just finally admit that I was tired and since she came to bed WAY after I did, I wasn't going to lay there waiting to be her massage servant.

Then, last night, as usual for the past few nights, after dinner I went upstairs with the boys to play. In the past I have tried to involve her in those kinds of things, but no more. She knows where we will be. After their bath, I sent them down to her to get hugs and such. I stayed upstairs to finish some work (normally I would be down kissing her a$$ by doing things that she said she was going to do but I wanted to score points by doing first...no more) and came down to watch a TV show with her and the boys a bit later. I didn't sit near her like I normally would. I sat with the boys and she was kinda alone.

Anyway, later that night I was back upstairs and she yelled up, asking me just to come down for a minute. That was curious because she only ever says that (and not just ask for what she wants, or say what she wants to say) when it's one of THOSE talks she wants to have. I figured this had to be an R talk and told her I would be down when I finished what I was doing.

Well, I was wrong. When I got down there she was just standing by the couch and asked me to stay with her. Not rub her back or DO anything for her, simply to stay with her downstairs. I told her I would have to finish up one thing and I'd be back. About 10 minutes later, I came back down. She was finishing up in the kitchen and asked me to put something on the TV and just "be" with her on the couch. She asked me to hold her. I did. We stayed that way for a couple hours. It felt nice, but again, I didn't read into it. I did it because I wanted the companionship not because I thought it would lead to anything or that it meant we were "back together" again. To me, it makes a HUGE difference that she's not asking me to DO for her anymore. She really hasn't but maybe once, ask me to rub her back and even then, I did something that is unheard of...I asked her to reciprocate...and she did, albeit badly, lol. Wow, who would have thought I could actually ASK for what I want and GET it?

Then, for the first time literally in YEARS (unless sex was "scheduled"), and I swear this is not an exaggeration, we walked upstairs to bed together. I have to admit, THIS took my by surprise but still, I don't know what it means.

So Mama, now that you ask, it seems like my lack of pursuit has resulted in her almost immediate pursuit of me. I am quite sure she will back off from it very soon but oh well.

Am I doing the wrong thing by entertaining her advances? Maybe but that is the part I am talking the most about when I say I have chosen my own path and don't really give a damn what people think. No disrespect to you all here but I think WAY too much about this stuff and often find myself projecting YOUR sitches into mine and acting in ways that may not work for me, even if they do for you. I am choosing to do what I want and it works for me now. If it results in my W leaving, then good riddance. I like who I am today and I can't say that about 2 years ago...or even 2 months ago.

So, Mama, today, it's fine. Tomorrow, is another day, maybe the day we or maybe the day she moves out. There is a LONG way to go before I will believe it's any different.

GH

P.S. There, for those of you who miss my monster posts...just don't get used to them again, lol.

Current Thread