Quote: My W is really confused right now. I make no excuses for her anymore. She is choosing her own path and I am choosing mine.....I now understand that letting go was my last act of dropping control.
.....the experiment is over for me. This is no longer a game I am playing. I am done with that. I am simply going to try to live my life the best I can, with love and compassion whenever possible and a firm grasp on the reality that is my life right now.
Thank you for sharing with us GH. I feel that I've grown personally throught reading your posts.
Letting go is very hard. I hit a very hard bottom last night through the early morning today. I feel like I did the day I came to the conclusion that I had two choices re: my alcoholism. To live or to die. I was dying emotionally and physically. 80lbs overweight with liver problems. I was unable to quit drinking and it wasn't until she threw me out that I was faced with the two paths. I could check myself into the welfare motel and drink myself to death or I could go to AA and hold on for dear life. I am realizing today that I am a drunk of the hopeless variety and only through letting go of self will am I able to not drink today.
I found that in the last day I am facing that same choice as reguards to my wife. I have two choices. I can live in the insanity which will eventually kill me or I can let go and live my life the best that I can. I'm not trying to be melodramatic here. Living in that place where I constantly evaluate everything I say and do and how it affects her and everything she says and does and how it affects me is killing me. You are right. This is no longer a game. For me at least, we are talking about survival here. Not just existance because I've existed before in some pretty scary places, but a real happiness that I deserve today.
