I am not feeling sorry for myself and I am nowhere near giving up. I realized, shortly after that convo with my W that I had spent so much time trying to be something/somebody that I had completely forgotten to live my life. No matter how much I denied it, I was 100% consumed by saving my marriage and with that, TONS of unhealthy, codependent things were happening in my R. I was allowing my W to be that way towards me and I was being that way towards her. I was still VERY angry a lot of the time and it was all due to expectations.
Mama, I do believe I can change the dynamic of my marriage but you know what? I want to change the dynamic of my LIFE, of which my marriage is a part.
In a way OT, I already did let go of my marriage before you suggested I do so. I had been holding on WAY too hard. I had been SO caught up in how each and every thing I did affected or didn't affect my W/M. I felt I could afford to be that way again because she SAID we were working on us, even though I saw very little evidence of it.
Mama, I am not around here much these days because I am SO happy to be finally (or once again) on the track to become happy with myself. I am not going anywhere. I still love my W, but somewhere along the way I allowed myself to think that my love somehow entitled me to certain things. Realizing that my W is not at that place with me made me take stock, understand where I went wrong and most of all, accept the fact that she is not now, nor may she ever be able to reciprocate my feelings. IF that is the case, then somewhere down the road, my marriage will be over. I still don't THINK that will be the case, but I am done being afraid of it.
My W is really confused right now. I make no excuses for her anymore. She is choosing her own path and I am choosing mine. For me, that means I am just who I am in our house. I assert myself, I DON'T do things I don't want to do (big change) and I DO things I want to do, when I want to do them.
I am probably happier today that I have been in months because it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. That weight was my trying so hard to do something that some invisible force seemed to be preventing me from doing. I now understand that letting go was my last act of dropping control.
OT, while I am afraid I may disappoint you by not following all your advice, I assure you I heard what you said and am already doing some of it.
Quote: Are you willing to give this all up? Change your entire lifestyle because you are mad and hurt. You must do a pros and cons list, as I have done many times. It is not to say that you turn the other cheek and let her do what she wants but you must also look at her point of view.
Mama, I chose this as the only thing I am quoting because it comes closest to what I feel. There ARE a lot of complicating factors, many of which I have never spoken here of, but that all add up to the fact that IF I make the decision to move out or somehow get her to, there will be tremendous and long lasting effects that I believe will almost surely prevent us from reconciling. I may be wrong, but that's my cross to bear. I am here, and I know what will happen. All that said, I am NOT afraid of it. I can now think of getting an apartment without the chest constricting fear that used to overcome me at the mere thought. I can think about all those consequences and understand that they will simply be reality if things go a certain way...and not get upset at the thought.
In the end Mama, I finally feel like I was 4 months ago, when I believe I understood much more than I did a week ago about what I want and especially what I want from ME, FOR ME. I can't say I am necessarily putting myself in her shoes, but I do have compassion for her. It's sad to see her so unhappy but I have to truly let go of trying to fix her. I started back down that road lately and I had to get off it.
I am not mad at all and the hurt I feel is diminishing. I don't know what my W will do today, tomorrow or the next day but I do know what I will do and that is continue to do this wonderful thing I just figured out which is to accept myself the way I am, with the flaws I know I have and the progress I know I have made. I am a good man who deserves to have a good life, a good wife and a happy family. Maybe that can't happen with this woman, maybe it can but for now, I am content to stop trying to make that happen. That doesn't mean I will stop trying to improve myself because though I accept myself with my flaws, I will still work to be rid of them, and just because I accept my lack of control in my sitch, I will still look for signs that things may improve. I just can't WAIT for that anymore, nor can I expect it. IF she says she's going to commit to us again, I will have to get back to that place slowly this time because I now know how slippery that slope is.
Like I told her the night of the convo. "I have to stop pursuing you. I have to stop holding on. If you want me, you know where I live but I can no longer keep trying so hard to find you."
I guess the best way to summarize what has happened in my sitch, or really, with me, is that the experiment is over for me. This is no longer a game I am playing. I am done with that. I am simply going to try to live my life the best I can, with love and compassion whenever possible and a firm grasp on the reality that is my life right now.
