GH---first off, lots of hugs. don't EVER doubt that you have put your entire self into being selfless, self-aware and genuine in your changes. Yes, we see therpists, read books and guide ourselves down this path, no one has divine knowledge....we're all pushed to change to better ourselves from experiences in life and what that leads us to.

Second, you handled your conversation like a CHAMP. Who cares if you cried, if you lost it. You're NOT a robot. It's normal and human....and I would bet that it helped W to see that you're normal.

OK, now I'm gonna give you my 2 cents. This is in light of my recent revelations of my own sitch and your "note to self" in your post above....I DO think that your W is in MLC. Maybe AmyC or someone can verify. So much of what she says speaks directly to this. Here are some things that pop out:

1) MASS confusion, wanting you as a back up while she experiments
2) Lots of shame and guilt and pain in her
3) "insanity" of actually wondering why this is hard for you
4) Pinning EVERYTHING on you
5) Inability to look at her own mess and guilt and running away for the "fix" in OM again.
6) Childhood issues of being controlled, not loved, whatever

I could go on and on, but I suggest you hop on over to the MLC thread to read the articles (perhaps you already have). You may literally fall into tears, as I did.

Of course, this is not to say that the MLC wasn't "triggered" by marital discourd and dissatisfaction....I don't like the school of thought that says this is something they are going through independent of the spouse's actions and has nothing to do with me. It does. I take that responsibility....but, if in MLC, you learn to understand that once the ball rolls, it's NOT about anything do.

I only point you in this direction, ask you to explore, b/c once I did it helped me TREMENDOUSLY to detach, to see that my H's actions were not impacted by mine, that he was on a "journey" all on his own. Also, as OT always reminds you, realizing that it was MLC helped me to set boundaries, to be comfortable in the separation and not always be on eggshells. To expect the worst and not take it personally. I basically stopped trying and dropped the rope all the way.

I suggest you do the same, no matter what she's going through. It's time for you to separate, however you choose to do that in the same house. You go on being GH, making changes to better YOUR life, take care of your KIDS, your CAREER, your HOUSE and your LIFE. Be a single dad in your mind, be a friend to your W, but watch yourself first. Detach not just for space for HER, but for your emotional protection. There is nothing you can do to help W, SHE NEEDS TO HELP HERSELF. Even if she looks to you for answers, as she seems to do b/c of her childhood issues of being controlled and not being able to really use the freedom she wants, just be there for her, but not giving her direction. She needs to go the distance and come back on her own. It will be hellish for you to watch, so this is the time that detaching and being strong is best.

So, set some boundaries. Treat her like a friend, only do things you would for a friend, with no expectations or strings attached. Be kind, gentle, but firm in letting her know that you dropped the rope. That independence comes with the hard stuff too, like figuring out your own life for yourself, withotu the comfort of your H doting on you all the time. Without the comfort of knowing you'll always have a M in the end.

Get this through to yourself too. She cannot rationalize now. She cannot "try." Yes, it's damned unfair. It's crazy and doesn't make sense. She is not thinking straight and expecting the unreal. She's in a fog, she's confused and in pain, she's terribly unhappy. It's not you. Once you let that go, and understand their "temporary insanity" (a concept used by former MLC'ers, so I'm not being patronizng) it's easier for you to accept and not fight.

DB, but in a different way. Not in teh way you thought, where things you di/said were hoped to make a difference. It does, so it's important for you to be kind and strong, but you're the light afar right now.

Keep the dialogue going. Don't ask her questions about how appropriate things are and not, just tell her your decision and let it go. Ex: the ring. Don't ask her if she thinks it's right. Just tell her "you know, this is a confusing time for both of us, so why not hold off on things like that, it gives us both mixed messages." Say it with a smile. My H did the same thing, "confused' but wanting to buy a car, revamp the house, do all sorts of other 'permanent' things. I backed off from all.

So, hang in here. Start reading the MLC stuff, and back off. Turn yourself to YOUR life now...walk away from the madness.