The issue that your W has is not that you get angry, or anything like that. After all, it is clear that the OM has far greater anger issues. This is not a logical decision that your W has made to reject you until you fix your anger issues.
The real issues are that she isn't attracted to you and doesn't respect you. That's what you have to change, and you have to start by asserting yourself more (in a loving way) in the relationship, in my opinion. Your W has clearly taken your love completely for granted. She doesn't "get it" at all.
I'm emailing you the Making Her Happy book by David Cunningham. I think it has tremendous value for those of us whose W's love us, but are no longer attracted to us.
Quote: -We also talked strategy, i.e. she said that she has felt all this time that everything I do and say is from a book. She feels like she is waiting for something genuine from me. She still has zero respect for books or counseling but claims to respect me for trying to do what I feel is right.
In other words, she feels that you are trying to follow a formula to get her back. She doesn't feel that you have changed because your own neediness is too obvious (I struggle with the same thing, as you know).
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
