Well, first of all, sorry I can't go into detail. I just don't have it in me right now.
Long story short, W came to me last night, after she said she didn't want to talk about "us" and said we could.
In the course of a 3 hour convo that went about as badly as possible from a validation/DB standpoint, she admitted to still being in contact with OM and more than that, still being in love with him. She says they have not seen each other but that he's back in town. She said she doesn't know if she'll see him again and STILL, at the mention of divorce or seperation, she acts like that's not a possibility...go figure.
The gist of my response was that I had some things to think about and decisions to make. There was a TON of stuff said but again, I don't really want to get into it.
I am probably going to go dim/dark on the board for awhile. That's how I feel right now. I am back to the beginning, a place I never thought I'd be, and I don't know how I want to proceed. I need time to think and I am probably going to take that time away from here.
Don't take it personally. Everyone here has been a GREAT help to me and I should be back in time and when I am, I will post more about what happened. I know it sucks to leave you hanging but...
If I know me, I'll be back sooner than later, I just need a break from all this. As it stands, I don't have a wife right now, that's how I feel and I need some time to figure out what I want to do next.
Sorry you're here again. But it's not the begining. It's not the same place you started in. You have progressed, and your W has seen your sincerity.
I think you may need to do a total 180 - you have stepped aside and given your W all the room she could ask for to do the right thing on her own. Maybe you are at a point where you need to demand things be a certain way or else. Just a thought.
Again, sorry you're here - it must be difficult to hold your head up. Remember all you've accomplished and stay strong. Now more than ever.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks guys. Like I said, I am going radio silent for a few days at least. I am just posting that you should not worry about me. I'm fine and know what I need to do. I just need to take time off from thinking about this stuff so much. It's obviously not gotten me very far.
SHEE-IT. I am distraught (sp?) for you, GH. I came on tonight to post about a new wrinkle in my sitch but I always check yours first. Must be in the water.
I am sickened over your pain, and the ripping open of this wound by your WTF-is-she-doing wife. I am SO SO sorry. I just don't have any words for this kind of stuff, but I feel it in my gut for you.
Do not be terrified; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi GH I'm not a poster (until now) but I check in for inspiration. Your input to this board is amazing. Alot of people are rooting for you! I know what you are going through. In my case, my w told me she was confused, didn't know what to say or do, etc when we spoke of her affair (I thought that meant there was hope!)Months later she told me she was sorry I misunderstood and there really was no hope for us. She said she was totally committed to the other relationship! I won't even go into what a ridiculous statement that was because this is your sitch not mine. My point is that our spouses say and do all sorts of over the top things and it hurts like hell BUT don't ever take anything as pure truth because they don't know what truth is at this point. Despite this, in the past month my w and I have been closer than we have been in years.We've even spent a day at the beach together w/o the kids, at her suggestion!Her A continues but very minimally and I believe if I continue to work there is still hope. GH keep working at it, don't let her "gospel according to infidelity" rule what you do. She's still there, right? I've also been told that I accomidate my w way too much but, you know, that just means there is still room for some more dbing doesn't it. It means there is still something to be tried. I too had a big blowout with my w and tore her and her pathetic relationship to shreds! Was it a db thing to do? Maybe not, but since then life has been much better around my place. Actually this "blowout" was a big 180 for me so if you said what needed to be said then maybe it was for you too. Take care and take heart.
Don't despair. This is actually forward movement. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you've just taken a leap of faith of sorts. You could have just accepted the status quo.
And I'm sure a part of you feels some relief in knowing that it was the om that was distracting your W and not her lack of interest in you. I don't know what your W's feelings are for the om, but I would suggest they are not really love. If she loved him, she would not still be home with you. She's probably clinging to him as a backup, a safety net of sorts.
I know there was much discussion of implementing a no contact rule. I would say that is a waste of time. She didn't consult you when she started the A, why would she ask your permission now. If you make it an issue it is only likely going to make her want to see him more. Eventually, she will grow tired of him, and end contact on her own.
We'll miss you but going dark from these boards is probably a good thing too. I go dark here myself from time to time. As much as a support as everyone here is for me, sometimes, it just makes me dwell on thing too much.
So, if you're lurking, my advice for you is this: Take some time to sort out your feelings, but don't let them consume you. And please, please, take some time and do something nice for yourself--something that makes you happy.
In the dark days to come, remember that your W does love you. Repairing a M is scary business. I know you want to protect your W but you have to let her fall a little or she may never realize how much she loves you.
Quote: Thanks guys. Like I said, I am going radio silent for a few days at least. I am just posting that you should not worry about me. I'm fine and know what I need to do. I just need to take time off from thinking about this stuff so much. It's obviously not gotten me very far. r GH
Kind of stumped on why you say it hasn't gotten you far. Seems like you have been making good progress thus far. Sorry that your W has backslided, but that is allowed for her just like it is allowed for you right?
I mean looking at your sitch you have gotten your W to recommit, albeit half heartedly to your R. Wasn't there a time when W would say that there is no way in heck that it was going to work?
Something you have been doing is working, figure it out and do more of the same. You can't throw out your optimism and patience when you have come so far. Look at the bright side so to speak, now you know why the intimacy has been an issue, she has been grieving the OM and the fantasy of the R she had with him. Kind of all make sense now don't ya think?
Anyway, take care of yourself, keep working on your self, regardless of what happens you will find someone that can appreciate all that you have to offer. Hopefully it will be the person you want it to be now.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
