I'm destroying every thing I've worked so hard 4

[cat03]

I do feel like there is this pressure that I "have" to iniciate.

SIGH**** I have to remember where I came from, thanks guys

[princess_nic]

Cat,

I don't think I've ever read your thread before, but this just caught my eye:

Now, I feel like I dont' mesure up to the standar of a woman's body he now might have, of course other than denying he did anything physical and appologyzing about going there he hasn't reassured me about how he feels about me physically. OK, I know they are in no position of reassuring even themselves, but it makes me feel so worthless and unattractive, that spark I had, that desire to please him and touch him feels odd now, it doesn't feel right.

This was a huge issue for me b/c my H was really into online porn. I already had body image issues, and this was just the icing on the cake. It made me never want to have sex with him b/c I thought he was just comparing me to women with perfect bodies. I have two kids and bf for a total of six years. And I don't have any silicone in me! Believe you me, I really do know how you're feeling.

What's helped me is to remind myself that I have more to offer than hugs tits that stick straight out of my body. And honestly, if that's what my H wants, I don't want him. It doesn't reflect on YOU; it reflects on him and his unrealistic view of women OR his own low self-esteem (if he's even attracted to that in real life, which is what I think you are assuming).

The other thing that's helped me is yoga. I've been doing it for a few years, and it's really helped me to love and respect my body for what it is. Our bodies are beautiful, even if they're not "perfect."

~Nicola

[cat03]

Hi Nicola, I do get your point, I'm having boob envy right now . Out that crazy night when we argued the good that came out of it is that since he's stopped viewing porn online (he forgot about the "history" feature, I could checked he viewed porn 4x a week.) I never confronted him but something I said that night while I was raving mad hit a nerve, he doesnt even want to be online, hope that lasts.

I remember when my "friends" were high and perky (ok, TMI for some here ) But you are right, if that's all he wants I dont' want him, and I do know he knows better than that, having encountered the most selfish backstabing people while he was away, he realizes that no one but me really cared for him.

I'm attempting again to talk myself into doing the little things I'd do before, hold his hand first, give him a good night kiss in the lips *SIGH* back to square 1.

I love yoga! that's one thing we do together, my H and I, we do yoga 2x a week, and I'm pretty sore the next day, and like it

[yoyogirl]

I do feel like there is this pressure that I "have" to iniciate
yeah.. I know how that feels. And when you STOP yourself from doing what you think you need to do, it has this funny feeling in you. Gosh.. I have so many episodes such as this.

But I think LETTING GO and NOT Pressuring your H is very important. I think my H only started the positive baby steps when I was carefree and confident with myself, my life without him.... Now, I have to REMEMBER to not harp about things over and over again. NEED to ACT AS-IF we are the girlfriends. SOmetimes, think men just don't like the wives to be toooo concerned or responsible about stuff. So, guessed need to relax abit...


With regards to boobies... I think we, women are sometimes harsher on ourselves. We may think that they are not perky, not big, not round etc etc. Our men probably think otherwise... I was watching a movie the other day, and this woman had really round perky boobs. I was watching and commenting to myself "fail. fail." and H asked "what are you on about? The show is quite alright, I thought!". I replied "I was referring to my boobs. Hers is round and perky". And H said "Hers are probably fakes. I think yours are pretty good!" Ha ha ha...
So, DON't WORRY...

[cat03]

you got it right yoyo, I need to loosen up and be the "girlfriend" again, be more confident, the way I was when he was away, the word for the day is RELAX, hope I remember that one!

[SvenTheRed]

Cat,

I've been following along when I can. Couple thoughts from a "martian".

First, I think you are being too tough on yourself. I guess as you notice that you are doing things that don't improve your sitch, I certainly hope that you seek ways to change that behaviour. Your H won't change - it has to be in us. And can be done.

Second, I like the thought you have of being the "girlfriend" - good one.

Third, some suggested reading if you have not already - I'd suggest For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. It is a quick read and based on men's feedback. From a man's perspective, we seek "significance" - we need to feel as if we are our woman's hero in every way. When that is neglected, we look elsewhere for it. In the end, we are simple creatures. At the same time, physical stuff isn't always about the act - again, there is a need to feel a connection to our partner.

Anyway, a couple thoughts, hope they help in some way.

Sven

[cat03]

hey sven, thanks for your input, I am guilty of making my H feel insignificant, like he can do things right half the time, so much stuff to unlearn. I do get too upset over little things still.
I'm getting that book, it's been ordered, can't wait to read it! The bit about the connection got to me, it baffled lately me how I made myself available to him and flirt and ...nothing! from a man who wouldnt' leave me alone every chance he got. I see now that the connection isn't there for him yet, thus, the desire isnt' there either, (can you see the light bulb above my head flickering?)

You learn something every day, guess I yet need more helpings of patience .

[yoyogirl]

I am guilty of making my H feel insignificant, like he can do things right half the time, so much stuff to unlearn. I do get too upset over little things still.


THink alot of women are guilty of that... I have a coworker and we were out with some other ppl visiting this 5* resort, and he commented that he brought his gf there for valentine's day...and all she did was complain. I guessed when we take things for granted, we don't see the positives..but only the negatives. We all have to learn to see the positives ALWAYS and not emphasize on the negatives. i hate to say this but women can sometimes be b!tches to their mates... he he he.. I used to be one all the time.. and now I try to confine that when we are in bed..he he he ..