why do we post to emily differently then we do other people? is it because she is so young, is it because the way she post to us? her wah is no different then all our was, he is confused just like all of them. would you tell someone else to not have good contact with no expectations. i think she should have contact with him, but not have any expectations, and no r talk. just have fun and enjoy each others company. emily is going to have alot of time finding herself while he is on the road. you did say that he will only be home 4 days a month right? thats 26 days a month you have to detach and gal, and find yourself. yea this is fresh news, and yes i thinks its good news, so why not run with it, with out too much expectations, if your WAS wants to see you and misses you that is not a bad thing, if done right. emily you know what you need to do to fix your problems you brought to the marriage, you still need to work on those issues, and yes your husband needs to work on his, which it sounds to me he is making this first steps towards doing just that. hell he called his mother and had her go get his things for the ow, thats big news, thats a good step. take things slow, spend some time together, do not talk about the r or marriage, and defently do not throw up his affair in his face. he ended it, let that be for now, thats all you need to know. im shaking my head right now wondering why everyone thinks this is not good news for emily. i must be crazy but i thought we were trying to help everyone save thier marriages, not help them destroy them. hes taking another look, so let him look if that is what you want, which by the way i think you do, hell last week i even told you you did, remember i told you that you would take him back in a heart beat.
There is an amazing well of strength waiting for you just beyond your reach.
Quote: I guess I just feel like if I tell him he can't stay here with me he'll just go back down there to her. Maybe he would . . . No I don't think there's a maybe there. . . HE WOULD.
People are dynamic. Each one of us has free will. You can never know what someone will do - even if you think that you have them pegged from experience. So, if you decide to live your life focused, for the time being, on what your choices will do FOR YOU and not the impact you see them having on H, you will be so much better for it. Neither you nor your H are in the healthiest, most mature states of mind, so trying to construct your actions around the reaction you anticipate your H having to them will reinforce negative habits - and it will take your focus off of the important task at hand: healing you. You need to stop worrying about your H and his life. You need to stop worrying about how you impact it. Focus on your life, outside of all of this. His life is his life, and it's his responsibility to deal with it. Define that line fo yourself, and then refuse to accept responsibility for anything that you don't own. Don't refuse it to him - but within yourself. Don't give it another thought.
Quote: He would feel that I didn't want him and he would run away.
If he decides to feel that, or act that way - it's his problem. If he wants to know what you really want or think, he can ask you.
Quote: He won't be by himself . . .
You don't know this, and it really isn't any of your business to know it.
Quote: I have to make a decision . . . do I want to be with my H or don't I.
Nope - this decision is not on your plate yet. You need to decide if you want to live or exist. Make that decision before you do anything else. Your opportunity to make the decision to be with your H will be there for a lot longer than you think right now, and YOU NEED to be in a position where you can honestly know that you made the decision for the right reasons. You're not there yet. You're not internally directed right now. You're a flag blown around by the winds of emotion, going whichever way it will take you.
Quote: DO I want to risk all the pain and all the worries . . . do I want to risk this happening again.
Good question, but change the subject - to yourself.
Quote: I think that if it means I get another happy 5 minutes of being with him . . it's worth the risks.
Yes, this is a decision you need to make. Do you work on your happiness now, so that when you get those 5 minutes you'll be happy? Or do you fight for 5 minutes now, and hope that it will make you happy, only to find that you are fighting an internal battle around the whole sitch, and can't be happy?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: im shaking my head right now wondering why everyone thinks this is not good news for emily
I am shaking my head at the thought that you think it's okay for him to put Emily through hell while he goes back and forth trying to figure out who he wants THIS week.
Shippd, I can't speak for everyone, but... The reason is that they're not ready. Only a few days ago her H was threatening her and left with OW. Only a few days ago, her posts were so filled with young emotion and desperation, to then go to accusations of physical violence, to then finally start to see what she has to do. She was considering dating all of a sudden. She wasn't thinking for herself and reacting with anger instead of owning her actions. They're very young. It seemed like a high school love drama, not a marriage with kids who will suffer.
The reasons why her H left are still there. Why would anything be different if he suddenly came home. Why should she believe him now? What has changed that will make this different? It would be great if they could DB while together, but she has shown us that she still in a lot of turmoil. That's not a good place to be to DB sucessfully.
I completely understand why she wants at least 5 minutes of happiness with him. I may have done the same thing at that age. It's romantic, it's passionate...
We're just the ol' farts who can see things coming and want to spare her the pain. But you're right, maybe she has to go through it.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
I have call waiting so when I am on the computer my phone just keeps ringing. I like that, no one has to know if I am home or out and about. The only problem is if they don't get me on the home phone they call my cell. Everyone knows the cell is attached to me so I can't pretend not to hear that one.
I have broadband at work so that is why I can check back on here so often. I live on this thing during the day but not so much in the evening.
I think it is funny Emily that your H gets the busy signal, let him wonder who you are on the phone with. Let it be a mystery. If he asks if you were on the computer say no. A little white lie won't hurt. Either that or if he asks who you were talking to you can say not sure, I talk to so many people.........haha
emilys husband is not putting her through anything. she controls her own emotions. you should know that. all i am saying is she can learn to enjoy his company without any expections, knowing that he may flip flop back and fourth between them both. and as db states, they can not do anything to you unless you allow them to. she can show him compassion, and love that she has for him, come on thats the whole princible we agree in here. to work on yourself, dont relie on your s for your attitude and life. emily having him come over for a few hours to see his children and yes her is not a bad thing. yea he is still confused but wtf they all are. if your husband called and wanted to come by for a few hours you would allow him to right. and yes you will have expectations that maybe just maybe he will want to stay forever and never leave you again, come on amy you know that. emily let him come over, have no expectations, remember he might leave your place and go see ow, just be yourself, be happy, give him something to think about, because it will take many more visits before he is really ready to work on the marriage, and the same is with you.
so hes flip flopping, my wife did your husband is, they all do. one day my wife said she was leaving, the next day she wasnt, did i throw her out because of what she said yesturday, nope, and neither would you. we all look for possitive signs, WE ALL DO, and emily just had a possitive sign today, emily run with that, just dont get your hopes up. you have to learn to get along with each other, what ever happens to your marriage. i have thought all along that your marriage was not over, and i still believe this. your husband does love you, you know that, he is just making bad decisions, but maybe just maybe he might have woke up today, and today will be the day he starts making good decisions, dont you want to be there with him? i think you do!!
shippd, Actually we did separate as soon as he flip-flopped. He needed time to figure himself out... who am I to tell him that's wrong? I always though the best part of Dbing is one that's not mentioned that much - Take care of yourself. If that means placing boundaries to protect your mental health so be it. For me at least, that was saying no to flip-flopping
I agree you don't throw them out because they flip-flop, no. BUT you do realize that that while they're doing that, they're not growing. They're not figuring out what's really wrong. They're still blaming us. I don't want my H to flip-flop. I want him to come to a decision through a hard process of self-knowledge. He has to learn about himself and come to that decision. I don't want him until then, No. Because I deserve more. I deserve to be with him when he's figured out that he wants to be married to me. Not while he's not sure.
Everytime your W flip-flops, you're fine with that? You don't hurt all over again? Does she grow as a person as she flip-flops? Can you really tell me you have 0 expectations when she flip-flops?
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
yea sandy, everytime my w flip floped it hurt, but i did not give up on her, i thought about it many times, but i didnt and now i am glad i didnt, my sitch is alot better and my m is off and running again. it takes alot out of us, but if you decide to save your m, then you need to let go and be happy again, with them still comming around, other wise they will never see your changes, thats why i am telling emily to let him come over, have a great time without any expectations. sooner or later that will have to take place, only emily can decide if that is this weekend or next or when ever she can handle it. i really think she is stronger then what she tells us, she found us didnt she. and i think all of last week was just her venting because he flopped back to ow, like we all would. emily tell us if this is true?
