There is an amazing well of strength waiting for you just beyond your reach.
Quote: I guess I just feel like if I tell him he can't stay here with me he'll just go back down there to her. Maybe he would . . . No I don't think there's a maybe there. . . HE WOULD.
People are dynamic. Each one of us has free will. You can never know what someone will do - even if you think that you have them pegged from experience. So, if you decide to live your life focused, for the time being, on what your choices will do FOR YOU and not the impact you see them having on H, you will be so much better for it. Neither you nor your H are in the healthiest, most mature states of mind, so trying to construct your actions around the reaction you anticipate your H having to them will reinforce negative habits - and it will take your focus off of the important task at hand: healing you. You need to stop worrying about your H and his life. You need to stop worrying about how you impact it. Focus on your life, outside of all of this. His life is his life, and it's his responsibility to deal with it. Define that line fo yourself, and then refuse to accept responsibility for anything that you don't own. Don't refuse it to him - but within yourself. Don't give it another thought.
Quote: He would feel that I didn't want him and he would run away.
If he decides to feel that, or act that way - it's his problem. If he wants to know what you really want or think, he can ask you.
Quote: He won't be by himself . . .
You don't know this, and it really isn't any of your business to know it.
Quote: I have to make a decision . . . do I want to be with my H or don't I.
Nope - this decision is not on your plate yet. You need to decide if you want to live or exist. Make that decision before you do anything else. Your opportunity to make the decision to be with your H will be there for a lot longer than you think right now, and YOU NEED to be in a position where you can honestly know that you made the decision for the right reasons. You're not there yet. You're not internally directed right now. You're a flag blown around by the winds of emotion, going whichever way it will take you.
Quote: DO I want to risk all the pain and all the worries . . . do I want to risk this happening again.
Good question, but change the subject - to yourself.
Quote: I think that if it means I get another happy 5 minutes of being with him . . it's worth the risks.
Yes, this is a decision you need to make. Do you work on your happiness now, so that when you get those 5 minutes you'll be happy? Or do you fight for 5 minutes now, and hope that it will make you happy, only to find that you are fighting an internal battle around the whole sitch, and can't be happy?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
