amy, i agree with you sorta, im not sujesting that she move him home right away, but remember he is young also, and he needs to have a good memory with emily and there children. her denying him that will only give him a bad taste in his mouth. i do feel she needs to allow him to swing by and see his family, the one that he is single handly destroying. i think she needs to paint a very good picture of what he will be missing, that loving women and great kids that he is leaving behind, she can not do that while refuseing him to come over and visit. i think she has to be strong enough to do this, it would be a great test for her. to show him how happy she is even with what he has told her, that she can and will survive with or with out him. but your right she needs to show him this with out any expections from it.
You'll recall earlier in this thread that I told Emily that it would be in her best interest if this ends up in court, if she WERE allowing him to see the girls. I stand by that also because it's just NEVER right for a Mom to keep the Dad from seeing the kids if there is not a history of abuse. However there's no way I think she should let that start this weekend.
Emily need to find herself. Emily needs to gather HER strength for WHATEVER comes her way so that SHE is able to make rational, educated decisions about HER future.
Yes, he is young too but he is not the one reaching out to us for help. Emily is.
As for whatever "taste" he gets in his mouth, well that'll be due to all the bullsh*t that comes out of it to BOTH of these young women.
It is my opinion that Emily would do much better if she had ZERO contact with him for a few weeks. She would be stronger and more clear headed with each passing day and when he did contact her...IF she took the call....he'd find quite a different WOMAN on the other end.
THAT is when I can see her doing some kick-ass DBing.
OW called me again. He called her and told her he was done with her . . he is staying married etc. While her and I were on the phone his mother showed up and picked up EVERYTHING that he had there. WOW . .
That one came WAY WAY outta left field and hit me right in the temple. Time for me to take a breath . . . figure out myself and see just how far I can run! I think Amy is right . . I'm coming off of running one race . . I need a breather before I jet right into the next.
You have to stop answering her calls Emily. Believe nothing until he tries to make contact about coming back. Don't get worked up about it, ok? Act as if it's nothing to do with you. You are a strong woman with two kids.
Focus on yourself already! Let H deal with his mess.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
amy: thats whats so nice about this forum, it is the differnce of oppion. and yes it is up to emily to decide as to what is the best way to go about it. just as much of a week and a half ago the only problem emily had was forgiving him for his affair. because he seemed to want to work on thier marriage. now when he stopped for the first time emily lost hope of saving her marriage, i think that was good for them, because now she can forgive him. before she didnt have the choice he was there and wanting to work it out with her. if you were always mean to your husband would he come back to you? im not saying for her to move him back in and go on as if, all i am saying is this would be a great test for emily to work on herself by showing herself that they could be together for a small period of time without fights and anger. yes only she needs to do this, make that decision, and i know she could do this. lets face it, he is not quiting on thier marriage, he is confused, just like emily is, and they both need good interaction together. maybe only a couple of hours, maybe more. amy you should know more then most here whats its like on the other side, and how easy would it have been for you to walk away if your husband was mean and vindictive towards you. with emily not allowing her husband to come by and see the kids is kinda mean and vindictive, she would be thinking about herself before her children. the problem they have are between them, not the kids. the problems they have are between them not the kids and this is a good test for the both of them to see if they could get along for a little while. thats my thoughts on this, but remember they are only my thoughts.
You got it Amy . . . She's told me all I need to know. I only took her call because my H had called and said that he had left her . . so I wanted to know what she had to say about it. Stories line up . . .FOR ONCE in 7 months. Good God that was a surprise.
Now then . . . I have to work on me. I feel like I have come sooo far . . I WILL NOT LOSE IT!! I clawed my way up this far . . . and I'm not falling down again. NO WAY! I am interested to see what you all have to say about what shippd said. I mean now that they have both said their R is over . . . I would like to see him and just see if he and I can get along for at least a few hours. I want to see him and see how I feel about him. But if that's not the best course of action I will send him packing down the road to "her". The big test (FOR HIM . . I have nothing to do with this) is coming up. . . he'll be back down there for about 5 days (to finish up Schneider stuff) . . and that'll be when he'll go back to her if he's going to.
Emily is going to be EMILY . . . no one will change me again! PROMISE I can't thank you all enough for beating me up and showing me what I have to fix. I know I'm no where near fixed yet . . . but gosh do I feel better.
I am interested to see what you all have to say about what shippd said. I mean now that they have both said their R is over . . . I would like to see him and just see if he and I can get along for at least a few hours. I want to see him and see how I feel about him. But if that's not the best course of action I will send him packing down the road to "her".
You're not sending him packing to her, you're sending him packing to... himself. He needs to be alone for a while. You both need to time to detach and think about this. Do you understand that HE's not ready. Neither are you - and you get that. But, understand that just breaking it off with her doesn't mean he's all better now.
I agree with Amy in that I don't think you're ready yet. I think you have to be stronger in looking out for yourself and learning the lessons from this. Despite this, in your position, I would probably let him see the girls. But I would cut it short - say, half an hour, with other "plans" that you had already made. Then a friendly hope to see you soon and out the door he goes.
If you let him back (and I say if, because you decide what you do), you guys have to go to counseling independantly and try to grow up independantly. Or else this will just happen again down the road. Neither of you have really learned much from this experience. You have, probably more than he has, but he has to come to the conclusion that his happiness doesn't depend on you.
And there is still so much hurt possible in the sitch, can you honestly say you're strong enough to deal with it?
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
I don't know if I am or not Sandy . . BUT I sure want to try to be strong enough.
I guess I just feel like if I tell him he can't stay here with me he'll just go back down there to her. Maybe he would . . . No I don't think there's a maybe there. . . HE WOULD. He would feel that I didn't want him and he would run away. He won't be by himself . . . that's wrong. I have to make a decision . . . do I want to be with my H or don't I. DO I want to risk all the pain and all the worries . . . do I want to risk this happening again.
I think that if it means I get another happy 5 minutes of being with him . . it's worth the risks.
Maybe I'm wrong . . I know I need more time to think.
