It's a NASTY day outside . . . DARK!!! Days like this make you feel sad even if everything is going exactly right.
I feel like crap about myself today. It'll pass . . . .I know it will.
I understand that I own a lot of things that made our relationship go bad. You can always find ways for everything to be someone elses fault. I think that for the most part I really did try to be a good wife. So I didn't do a great job . . . I certainly don't feel that it was my fault he found OW. I did NOT make him do that. That's all him. It makes me sooo mad that he won't even call and talk to me. He left last Sunday . . . . almost 1 week. The only time I've heard from him was when I called him. Yeah he cares about his daughters huh?!?!
OK sorry . . . feeling a little smart a$$ed there.
Well I had a good night lastnight. My two girl friends hung out and then a kid we graduated with called (one of my friends) and he needed to get out and talk to some people so he came down. His wife left him for another guy . . he's got a two year old daughter . . that he loves and is actually trying for. Up until today when they signed their papers he was PAYING all the bills (for her to live with OM) because he didn't want to abandon his daughter and see her go without.
I mean it breaks my heart. He just kept saying, "When I said I do I ment it . . . why didn't she" and I just kept saying, "I know exactly how you feel and I don't know."
OH MY . . . WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE DECIDE TO DO THIS??? Reguardless of what I am . . . I think the fact that he had the OW before we were over is WRONG. I could be CRAZY . . and I think I at least deserve for him to finalize everything before he fully moves on.
I don't get that. I just get shoved aside now.
I'm going to read some of my book "Live, Laugh, Love Again." Today . . and I'm going to watch the movie that Kerry brought down . . Failure to Launch.
Soo . . at least I have a couple things to do . . other than the constant tasks such as my kids and cleaning and dishes . . . .
I'm really surprised this didn't lock out yet . . .weird! I'll be around later . . .
emily: your right what i said was WRONG, im sorry for that. i just want you to understand that you need to work on yourself and not worry about what your h is doing. emily, i know this is hard, and yes i was very angry myself when i found out about my wifes affair. i just wish you would start working on yourself. i had the same things going thru my head about finding someone else, hating my wife for what she was doing, and yes i had to look at myself for the faults i made to my marriage. i then started working on them, (still am). emily we are not perfect, no one is, im not saying your husband is, he is messed up. and yes you do not deserve this, neither does your children, but you cant change that now, the only thing you can change is yourself. if he is not supporting you and your children, then he is a losier, but is he ever going to wake up and grow up and do that. i dont know and neither do you, so please, let him go, and all you anger towards him, it does not help your sitch any. i will tell you my wife was mean and cold to me for months, and i keep being mean and vindictive, and it got me nowhere, so i had to change. it was hard to see the distruction she was doing, but i started to be happy and she noticed. emily you came here to save your marriage, if that is truly what you still want, then you need to go to work doing just that. if not then you need to let him go, with out anger, if he is mean to you, just smile and go on about your business. he does not control your emotions, only you do. please emily, i do care about you, and your children, start acting as if towards him. you have just started your adulthood, make it a happy one. which i know you can, hell you came here, most people your age would just be pissed and not look for help, you did, to me that says alot about you. EMILY you are great, please start living it. again i am sorry for being so mean, i was just trying to wake you up and get you to listen to us. take care of your self emily, i will prey for you and your children, and yes even your husband.
I know that I came here looking to save my marriage. My marriage is over now (maybe not in the eyes of the court system) but in every other way. My marriage is over. It's not about saving my marriage anymore . . . it's about saving me.
I am proud of myself. I was thinking about this, this morning:
When he left in May I didn't sleep for DAYS . . or eat anything . . I couldn't stand being by myself . . . I couldn't stand being in my apartment because "everything reminded me of him".
I do still think about him a lot because stupid stuff reminds me of him. Yes I still hurt and I do cry. But I'm not panicked and scared like I was the lasttime. I'm not upset so much that marriage is over more that he moved on so fast. That's what hurts me MORE. Last time he left . . sure I was horrified that he would be with OW . . . I let her walk with all day *Alimari understands this fully . . she's the one that first helped me understand how to voice it* . . . I took her to bed with me at night and woke up beside her in the morning.
She is no where in my thoughts now. Every now and then I get a twinge of pain because I want to know what makes her better than me. (I always thought I was prettier anyway).
This time it's so different . . . I am processing it better . . maybe? So now I just have new things to freak out about . . . I.E.: Custody!
Well I watched that movie . . it was good! It made cry just because it's about relationships . . but it was still good!
I'm not upset so much that marriage is over more that he moved on so fast. That's what hurts me MORE.
I fully agree, what hurts sooooooooooooooooo much is the fact they seem to move on so quickly,, makes you feel like you were not important. You know what Emily, I am proud of the progress you have made so far. Even though it seems like we are easily forgotten we are not . Didnt he keep coming back to you when he was/ is supposedly ,in love with her????????????? No offense, I do not want to hurt your feelings but he is just F*CKED up in his head,, just like my H was,,, Harsh but true.
(((I feel like today))), you are sounding more grounded keep it up,,, you are one strong woman you just dont know it yet. It's not about saving my marriage anymore . . . it's about saving me.
I am proud of myself. Awesome, (((((((((((((((EMILY)))))))))))))))))))) FANTASTIC.... I wanted to hear you say that awhile ago.... Keep it up,,, only you focus on you,,, you will be awesome and you will succeed,,, I am proud of you. GOD BLESS....
Emily, you are a strong and wonderful woman. Don't let the circumstances that happen around you make you out to be something your not. I can understand the pain your in and know why you have a hard time focusing on issues that are out of your control. That is all part of this weird process.
Just try to focus on those things that you can influence and change. I know it is hard, but you have to let go of those things that are out of your control. I know you know that, but you need to make a conscious decision to do that. You're going to get to that point sooner or later just hang in there. I know it is stupid (and everyone says this) but time does (to a certain degree) heal all wounds.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Quote: Didnt he keep coming back to you when he was/ is supposedly ,in love with her?????????????
He's done it twice now . . . and the second time he "came back" he had been living with her. He moved all his stuff back here. But then again everytime he leaves me he goes to be with her. He's moving in with her as soon as he's off the road again next week. So I guess maybe if you look at it that way it could be bad for me too
I have more to say but thanks to my poor timing . . my lunch just got done . . . I'll come back later . . .
I GUESS WHAT I was trying to say is he doesnt even know what hes doing... so the further away the better. Really you are better off w/o him. You sound a million times better now that you have really decided to let go,, I can not say it enough. You rock Em. I myself wonder (@ H) everyday as he is nicer and more loving to me,, I am in limbo. He says one thing (lets proceed with D,,,I think?,,,you have changed but I am not sure you will stay this way!!!) and his actions say another. He is home with me and is affectionate, he calls me when he is out to check in but I cry sometimes now when he goes to work cause none of it makes ANY sense to me. If we work it out.. YOO HOO. But what if he keeps thinking he can cheat whenever he feels like it? Thats my struggle now. I love him and have forgiven him but I will admit I carry her with me sometimes . I get mad at myself for doing it. But I have come to the realization that if it doesn't work out I gave it every last bit of me and my all.And thats the best I could have done. Knowing God sees all of my efforts and forgiveness. ON August 1st if we do not go sign papers, the "D" will be null and void. Pray for me EM------> thanks. You are doing fantastic EMILY,, once again you rock and keep being strong. Pretty soon , you will be giving advice to NEWBIES------> but first work on you. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but you are making me feel so happy for you and your newfound sense of strength. Dont let it go. God bless you and your little angels...
I really do feel better. I keep wishing that the phone would ring and it would be him. That way he would now that he is not holding me down or back. It'll take me longer to do some of the things I want to do because there's not another person who can go out and work full time. . . . . . BUT I will do it!
I know that sense of accomplishment will really make me feel good. I just broke down today when Felina fell asleep in my lap and Kiya was sitting across the room from me in her swing . . I broke down bawling and just told God I was sooo sorry for all of this and that I really wanted him to help me repair myself for my girls. I am willing to do ANYTHING for these girls.
I've been grooving to my "break up" music.
"I will Survive" - Cake "So Sick of You" - GWAR "Hit The Road Jack" - Ray Charles
. . . Stuff like that! Makes me feel MUCH better.
They are both dirt and I am trying to clean them out of my brain . . it's like getting sand in your swimming suit . . . it's hard to get every last grain out! Slowly though . . . SLOWLY . . no need to rush. I've seen how fast my H does ANYTHING that requires him to work at something . . . the D could be a long time in the making. I will NOT help him with it either . . . he's on his own.
I know that I should just pack up the rest of his stuff and throw it in the dumpster . . . but I just don't want to. Some of the shirts I am keeping because I like to wear them. Other stuff I just want to keep (is that weird) like an awesome pair of Hot Topic pants he bought on our honeymoon . . . why throw out all the memories??!?!?! Everything else I will throw out! He said he took everything he wants. Good for him. . . I get the rest and what he left that I don't want . . I'll pitch.
I'm a little angry that I have to change Kiya's announcements . . after all I put his name on them because I thought he was sticking around . . They are not going ANYWHERE with his name on them now. We are not a "family" as it is . . . so I am not sending them saying "And the Proud Family is:" . . . NOPE!
It really bothers me that he is getting remarried. REALLY bothers me . . . I cannot come to terms with that. I can't find peace about it. Any advice on that? I mean what the heck do I tell myself? It makes me feel like the lowest peice of crap on the planet . . that he's Ding me just to get remarried. ARG . . my PMA has been good . . . and that's the thorn in my mind!
Harsh but true.
