Quote: You've said several times that this is why you're not going to let him see them, because he's abusive and he might hurt them. You want it both ways, Emily, but that doesn't work. Either last week you were willing to put your kids' safety at risk because of your own selfish emotional needs, or he's not really an abuser and you're creating something to punish him. There is no other way.
I've been thinking about this . . . .
Maybe he would hurt them.
He has a hard time controlling his temper. I guess that's a judgement call. It depends on what you consider abuse (and anymore it's hard to draw a line. . . spanking?!?!?! I don't think that spanking is abuse but there's a line where too much or too hard could be.)
He has a bad temper and a hard time controlling himself (he's always said that when he's hit me or whatever in the past he blanks out and doesn't even know what he's doing until it's done.)
I guess maybe I just figured as long as we were all together I was his main target . .
since the split he's been different that temper hasn't been there with me . . . I even commented on that while he was here this weekend. Then later that day he scared the crap outta me. . .
ANYWHO . .
I guess I figured he would never hurt them because I would always be there to protect them.
I've told him since the day that Felina was born, "If you ever touch her wrong I am divorcing you and taking your balls with me."
You get the point . . . I guess I always knew it could happen but just always assumed it never would.
Maybe I thought I could protect them. . .
I never thought about it as putting them in danger though . . . never once.
Sure there were times over past six months where I asked him to tone it down with Felina . . . he'd get mad and say that she wasn't a baby anymore etc.
He never crossed the line with them . . so I always thought it would be fine.
Quote: You've said several times that this is why you're not going to let him see them, because he's abusive and he might hurt them
If that's what I said it's not really what I ment.
I ment that yesterday I was scared if he took them for any amount of time (he's not good at dealing with them for long periods of time. He gets sick of Felina during the two day stay that he used to spend)
I'm scared that if he took them for like a weekend he'd get sick of them and start getting meaner and meaner . . and even maybe become physical with them.
For him to come see them to have visitation would be GREAT . . I agree they need to see him.
It's truly odd because the night before my H kicked me out in Dec I prayed to God and told him to take over and show me what needed to happen for my life to be OK . . because my marriage wasn't and I was pregnant . . . etc. THE NEXT DAY MY H SENT ME PACKING . .
I've fought it this long . . . and I'm starting to feel like I've been fighting the path that God was trying to show me. I feel like maybe he was showing me that the best path for me was by myself or at least away from Kevin. I've been resisting God's plan STOP, STOP , STOP RESISTING GODs PLAN FOR YOU.
You showed some sense of clarity there... Let him go and please try to calm down as much as this hurts you everyone here is just trying to help you. I dont know if hes trying to make his relationship with her like you,, or more like he only knows to be that way. I am sure he once loved you very much,, now you need to move on. Stop spinning your wheels and get yourself in gear little lady. Be strong and get yourself to love yourself and youll see that all of this was a bad distant memory. Please reread your posts and see how they are hauntingly familiar and re read the advice you were given and start to use it ,, Honey its the only way you are going to get any better. I see Amys frustration cause shes been posting to you daily,,, her advice is golden. She really cares about you,, only honey you havent loved yourself an ounce more since you started posting.When you start to love yourself and forgive you will see a dramatic change in your life. I promise. Its time to stop living in the past and wake up to a new life. Please,,,
Thanks Alimari . . . you made me cry. I don't know what to do I am so confused. Now that RB has pointed somethings out to me I feel so torn.
A week ago I wanted more than anything to be with my H. Has that really changed. NO. I don't want it to be over, not really. I don't want him to hurt me this way. But he is. I have to deal with that . . tell myself I am better off without him. I read somewhere around here that in order to deal with some of the pain of leaving the WAS remembers all the bad things that have happened. I am doing that . . . I am rehashing every hurtful thing . . . it makes it easier to try to run from the pain. I need to stop running and deal with it. I don't want to. I just want it to go away. I am trying to be strong and happy for my girls. I have to go for awhile . . recharge my batteries and try to come to grips with my emotions.
I can't really add to what the other's have said, but I would like to ask you to correct something in the way you are thinking.
You keep saying you are doing all this because he doesn't want to be with you. You are doing it because he is with OW and loves her, not you. You are doing all of this because you don't have a man that loves you the way a H should love a W.
That is your whole problem. You SHOULD be doing this because you want to be happy. If your primary motive in all this is simply what he DOESN'T or DOES want, then you will NEVER, EVER get it.
How about trying this on for mental size: I am doing this because I want to be, and deserve to be happy and things that are in my life that do not ADD to that happiness I can choose to exclude to the extent I can.
Emily, I too am getting a little frustrated reading your posts but I think if you can refrain from EVER posting another line about how this is all still "for" him, I will be content that I did SOMETHING to help you.
Also, just a small word to help you avoid the wrath of RB, Amy and others. Maybe you ought to read back over some of the previous day's posts on your thread before journaling. If you see that you are still journaling the same issues, the same questions, please, take the time to find where those things were addressed by us, and I assure you they were, and respond to what we said.
I think we all need to see you actually realizing that you've said the same things about 1000 times and it may be time to try somthing new.
The last conversation you had with your H was bad, but please remember not to base your current emotions on that. He was angry, he lashed out -- he was doing it on purpose, to push you away. That's fine, be pushed away. But don't think that anything he says is true right now. Does he love the OW? I doubt it. Will they get married? We'll see. Does he hate you? Highly unlikely. My H said all kinds of nasty things to me about how he hated me, was disgusted by me, thought I was a terrible wife...and he recanted all of that eventually. Try to remember that he's going through something, too.
It sounds like counseling would be good for you, regardless of what happens with you and your H.
Thanks GH . . I'll work on that . . . but that's changing my prospective and that will be hard.
I can't choose between listening to you all here and listening to my family . . . from my familly I constantly hear I told you so. I can't tell you the amount of crap I had to listen to yesterday after I told them he was Ding me to marry the OW. If I don't listen to them they will be furious (much as you all are). I know you all care . . . but unfortunately you're not the ones I have to interact with daily if I want adult company. My sis made me SWEAR up and down that I would not let him see the kids . . . and that I would NOT sign anything until someone else had read it (good idea but she ment that someone else had to be her.)
I understand that it is my decision but it's a hard one to make. I feel like I am losing out either way. Either they'll be mad at me or you all will.
Isn't that what all this is about. That's why you all are so frustraighted? Because I won't give in and say that it's fine I'll let him walk in and out and see the kids when ever he chooses he's got a second. I'll let him turn them against me emotionally and I won't ever raise a finger to stop him because that's the high road. Me letting him see them is the high road . . and I want him to see them . . . but it needs to be on both of our terms NOT just his.
That's what I see as the problem here. Maybe I'm wrong and I've missed other advice . . . if so though I'm not seeing it.
The last conversation you had with your H was bad, but please remember not to base your current emotions on that. He was angry, he lashed out -- he was doing it on purpose, to push you away. That's fine, be pushed away. But don't think that anything he says is true right now. Does he love the OW? I doubt it. Will they get married? We'll see. Does he hate you? Highly unlikely. My H said all kinds of nasty things to me about how he hated me, was disgusted by me, thought I was a terrible wife...and he recanted all of that eventually. Try to remember that he's going through something, too.
It sounds like counseling would be good for you, regardless of what happens with you and your H.
Thanks lizemba . . he's done ALL of this twice before. He said that both of those times he started to miss me and took it all back because he decided he needed more time to decide. He says he hasn't loved me since December . . . etc. . . he just wasn't sure what he really wanted. Now he's finally decided. He says that he is now telling the truth . . he hates me etc. . . and he's NOT coming back. He's finally doing the right thing (leaving me to be with her).
I wish I could call him and talk to him as a friend. Just find out how he's doing and what's going on. I miss him. Oh God . . . I don't want to do this. . . Everyday that passes I sink farther down . . . What the he$% is wrong with me that I can't just pick myself up and move on. I can't believe he's doing all of this and doesn't care at all . . . I can't believe that all the times he said ILY were lies. Why did I do this to myself.
Emily you are in control of your actions. You hold the key to what is best for your children.
Your sister is obviously very hurt from the effects of her marriage. However, as many have stated you are not your sister. It is within your power to do what is right, not what seeks revenge.
Through your posts you sound only interested in what feels good to you and letting Kevin get what he deserves. How can that be beneficial to your children? You've said over and over you wish you had two parents who loved you. Don't you think in twenty years that your girls are going to have the same desires that you are having now? This is going to sound mean but nothing gets through to you, you only hear what you want. You are being SELFISH! You need to be putting your girls first and think about what is best for them. I guess we need to keep repeating ourselves so that you get it, but too late we have been repeating ourselves!
Um, Emily, I'm sure someone (probably ALL of us at some point) has told you, as well as both DB AND DR, that while your family loves you and wants the best for you MOST of the time, their adivce is often dodgy at best, downright destructive at worst. My advice is that you STOP telling them everything that happens.
Quote: I know you all care . . . but unfortunately you're not the ones I have to interact with daily if I want adult company.
Ok, so you all can't find ANYTHING to talk about besides your crap? Emily, I would make it an immediate part of your GAL attempts to make SURE you find something, ANYTHING to talk about with your family other than this $hit. It sounds like they enjoy the drama as much as you do.
