Quote: Fair enough I'll accept responsibility for the times that it was warrented because "I got in his way"
I never tried to wrestle him out of a doorway or anything . .
EITHER WAY . . . I'll accept resposibility for those times.
I don't think that begins to excuse some of the times that he has gotten physical with me though.
Maybe I'm wrong.
You still don't get it, do you? The life of a well-adjusted person isn't about blame. The life of a victim IS about blame, because one who chooses to live life as a victim is determined to fail and be able to point the finger at someone else for it. Choose not to blame. Choose to honestly examine your own life and become the person you want to be, so that you can have the life you want. Emily, no one is going to "give you" the life you want. No prince is riding in on a white horse. If you want a great life, then you have to become a great person.
Emily, a week ago I asked you to honestly assess whether you truly wanted to be married to your H, and you were 100% sure that you did. Now that he's (for now) decided to be with someone else, you are 100% sure that you don't ever want him again. A week ago, he was a wonderful person who was suffering temporary insanity, and now he's an abuser who needs to be kept from his own kids.
But, Emily, nothing really changed. He'd been cheating before and he's still cheating. What's different is your wild emotions! You need to get some kind of grip on yourself and figure out what kind of person you are. If he was so abusive that he needs to be kept from the kids, why the hell were you so desperate for him to live with them a week ago? If he is so abusive, why did you put your own emotional neediness ahead of your kids' safety?
I'm not letting you off the hook on this one, Emily.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Your one track mind is really starting to PISS ME OFF. But I'm willing to keep talking to you until you decide to jump up off your ass and grab a clue.
You of course, can continue not to listen to what I, and others, are telling you.
Quote: My sis said I shouldn't do it because we can't be civil . . . and he is NOT aloud to take them ANYWHERE that's for damn sure.... I'll take into careful consideration how it looks in court.
Your sisters situation is NOT your situation and apparently your sister did not have as many willing people to give her DECENT advice. That being said, yeah, her ex sounds like a real piece of work and I am sorry for the kids BUT THAT'S NOT MY CONCERN. YOU are different, the kids are different and so is their father. I strongly reject her opinion that you and Kevin "can't be civil". THAT IS A CHOICE. You can either act like (sorry Frank, I'm gonna borrow that) you're on an episode of Jerry Springer or you can grow the hell up and EDUCATE yourself and act like you have some sense.
Emily,
You are OBVIOUSLY NOT A STUPID GIRL so PLEASE DEMAND MORE of yourself. YOU ARE CAPABLE. YOU ARE SMART (and getting smarter). LOSE THE TRAILER PARK MENTALITY AND DECIDE, RIGHT FREAKIN NOW, THAT YOU ARE GOING TO RISE ABOVE THIS.
It's going to take work. We'll allow you a couple of days to vent and plot and mentally castrate but when enough is enough, we're gonna expect you to get your hands dirty digging deeper into your own crap and throwing out the trash.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Quote: How does it look in court though that he has been hiding from domestic relations for 2 months now and counting
Ummm. HELLOOOOOO...??? WE DON'T CARE WHAT THE COURT WILL THINK OF HIM. He will dig his own grave, Emily. WE only care how YOU handle this and it is the majority, if not all of our, opinion that YOU need to do this RIGHT and you can START BY LISTENING.
A GREAT way to start would be NOT taking advice from your family who have screwed up histories of their own and are very BIASED because they love you. While we CARE about you, it's not the same. We are, for the most part, objective about your sitch.
Snap out of it Emily. This is your life. How 'bout you make something of it? God would never bring you TO this place if He doesn't plan on bringing you THROUGH it.
Your idea of meeting with the kids at the parents is a good one if you are concerned that he will 'fill their heads up with crap'. Your kids need to visit with their dad when they can. They NEED to know they are loved by BOTH parents.
Look deep inside. Do you really think that, if you can stay civil with each other, he will want to fill their heads with ANYTHING but love? Even lately he still cares about you and has said so. If you both stay civil your kids will be better off.
Trust me Emily, my father's marriage career included a couple divorces and we WERE the Jerry Springer show. You want problems? Let's see..... 2nd wife ran off (literally) with My dads COUSIN. Left her kids from previous marriages with him. Came back, tried to 'fix things' but decided it wasn't going to happen. So they fight each nite in fron tof us - real fights. People thrown through doors (she was a big woman so it was almost an even match).
Crying all the time.
Then you spend the rest of your childhood hearing about how 'she was trash' (when referring to my mother who my dad left because - he was 23 and she was 21 and he needed to party more. How do you think I felt? My mother is trash? What does that make me? and Wife # 2 had visitation and of course says my father is an A$$hole but she knows I'm a good kid.
Yep. that was a great life.
I hope you want your children to have a better one.
One more thing Emily.....
I care about you and your kids. So does Amy and some other people on the board. We're probably the most sane people you'll ever meet because we've been through stuff as bad as your life feels right now and found ourselves stronger and more mature afterwards.
We were on our 'matchboxes' when we got here. We all started right where you are now. That's why we care so much.
It probably seems realllllllly weird to have people you don't really know say this but then, we know you really well because you are our sister.
The last time I talked to him he wasn't civil. He told me how much he hated me . . . all that crap. He said he's sorry that I'm hurt but he's not sorry he's doing this because he ACTUALLY loves her (like he never could me) It was just about the worst convo. I've ever had with him. I was trying to be level headed and talk to him about the kids. I asked him to please try to make this make this pleasant so that maybe we could stay something close to friends for the kids. He told me NO . .he hated me . . . etc.
We talked a little about custody but he just kept getting mad. I was trying to get things straightened out. I asked him to try and do it with me now before it became a battle later.
I am NOT letting him come to my home to see MY kids. That's final. . . if that makes me "trailer trash" then so be it.
Oh and by the by . . I NEVER said he was abusive towards the kids . . . so I NEVER put their safety at risk.
Do you want me to sit around and cry all day because he's left me to marry some other women or do you want me to keep telling myself I'm better off and I don't want to be with him. Right now I am just trying to get through the day and nights . . . and the only way I can do is by convincing myself that I don't love HIM . . . because he certainly doesn't love me. I have no one to love me the way a H is suppose to love a W . . . so why should he have 2 women loving him that way. I have to step aside you've all said. That's what I am doing . . . and this is the only way I know how. I can't make myself do it when I think I love him and yatta yatta yatta. I have to do it now . . .
Maybe that makes it the wrong approach but hey . . I am trying.
I am doing these things because he is choosing to be the way he is. I bet he won't call me again . .EVER . . . not even to check on the kids. Why should I let him come see them? If he doesn't care enough to call once a week or once a month why then when he decides once in a while that he'd like to come see them should I just allow it. I promised myself I wouldn't allow him to keep walking in and out on us. Well he choose OUT so out it is.
The girls are young enough that they would never hurt if he would just leave. . . they would know some one else as daddy and NEVER know the difference. He could still be in their lives (like an uncle) . . . it's not like he EVER took interest in them before.
I am mad about the whole sitch. I understand that he needs to be allowed to see them . . . I just think right now we really need to take a break. Let him think about things and try out his "new life" He needs to take two months away from ALL of us. Then come and see the girls and see how he feels about things. I mean RB you suggested that we do that anyway . . . were you thinking that we wouldn't talk for two months and he would still see the kids? If so how?? If he ever even calls to see if he can see the girls *Felina's b-day is coming up Aug 10) then I'll tell him he can see them at an outside place (neutral ground if you will) like I would meet him at the park (I would definately have at least friend go with me) or he could go to my parents house to see them.
I also think that if he really wanted to be part of their lives and make sure they're OK he would at least buy a pack of diapers or some wipes or SOMETHING . . . since he is "hiding" out from paying the child support. I would mention this but it would only make him mad. He's so done with me . . that he's furious he'll even have to pay for the girls.
I don't know what to do. Trailer trash mentality or not . . . until he has himself straightened out. He will not see them. When he can be civil towards me and argee to see them on some of my terms. Then he can see them. As long as he is being a bullheaded jerk and trying to scare me into giving him exactly what he wants . . . I am not up for negotiating.
Is that wrong?
Also RB . . . what happened did in fact happen. He has been VERY physical. I think hitting someone in the face qualifies as abuse and the reasons behind it had nothing to do with me trying to out muscle him or stop him from going anywhere . . .he and I weren't even fighting. He was yelling at the dog (the one who's leg he broke) and he started hitting her . . . and I told him he needed to stop that she hadden't done anything wrong. So he turned it on me. It did happen. I'm sorry I brought it up though. I'm not taking it into the courts . . that was never my intention . . that's why when domestic relations asked if he was abusive my answer was no.
I don't want to drag through all that mess. If one of the girls ever complains or comes home with bruises . . then I'll lodge a complaint against him for child abuse. Him hitting me is different.
Quote: Oh and by the by . . I NEVER said he was abusive towards the kids . . . so I NEVER put their safety at risk.
You've said several times that this is why you're not going to let him see them, because he's abusive and he might hurt them. You want it both ways, Emily, but that doesn't work. Either last week you were willing to put your kids' safety at risk because of your own selfish emotional needs, or he's not really an abuser and you're creating something to punish him. There is no other way.
Quote: I am NOT letting him come to my home to see MY kids. That's final.
A week ago, Emily, you were obsessed with knowing how you could forgive your H. I'm telling you right now that you need to forgive him more than ever. The hate in your heart is poisoning you and destroying you. You've quoted Bible verses some in your sitch, Emily, but I don't see any evidence of Christ in your life. You certainly don't reflect the love and forgiveness He gave you.
Quote: Do you want me to sit around and cry all day because he's left me to marry some other women or do you want me to keep telling myself I'm better off and I don't want to be with him.
That's pathetic, Emily, asking if we want you to sit around and cry all day. How dare you?!
You know what? I'm done with replying, and I'm done with reading your sitch.
You don't LISTEN to anything. You really WANT to be miserable. You want to have a bad life so that people will feel sorry for you, because in a sick way, you get off on that. Fine, but I won't be a part of it anymore.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: 3. You take the high road. Make sure that your situation is not like your sister's. You stop the fighting NOW... and work towards making this D amicable so that one is not throwing the kids against the other. You realize that you and H cannot coexist as husband and wife, but you can coexist as Daddy and Mommy to your girls. They grow up knowing that they are loved. They are just a tiny bit screwed up (after all we all are ) Their relationships are good because of what you showed them with yours.
I tried to tell him this when we last talked on the phone.
I said, "It would be so much easier on the kids if we could try to do this pleasantly and remain friends." (I think he's worried if he tries to remain friends with me he'll "fall back in love" with me. My friend said, "Everytime anyone sees you they fall back in love with you . . we all do . . . so you can't blame the guy for being confused." Or he thinks its a ploy for me trying to get him back . . friends on to lover onto staying together sort of thing.) So he said, "I'm done with you. I just want our R over." I said, "I understand that but we could at least try to be civil and work this situation out before we have to go court and fight." He basically replied that if I would just give him what he wants then their would be no fight. I tried explaining my ideas and the reasons they would be good. (Visitation stuff and different things I thought he should know) He just said, "I HATE YOU . . . this convo is over." Hung up.
Right . . . I REALLY did try.
I even said to him, "I wish you would do this with me now while I have a level head and feel like helping you out. For some odd reason I am so mad at you . . but I want to make sure you see your girls and I want to try to make sure that they don't grow up listening to you bad mouth me." He said, "Well who cares your family will fill their heads with crap about me." I replied, "NO they won't . . they've NEVER said one bad thing about Rick (sis's XH) in front of her kids." "Bullshit." Wouldn't listen to me AT ALL about how awful it is when kids go back and forth listening to parents say this and that about the spouse.
Let me make this clear: I did not call you "trailer trash" I said you have a "trailer park mentality". THINK OUTSIDE THE FRIGGIN BOX.
You are obsessive. I was very disappointed to wake up and see you talking about the same crap from yesterday. Several of my posts to you yesterday were written from WORK. If you can't pay attention and take at least some of the advice given to you, I can certainly find something else to do.
Quote: That's pathetic, Emily, asking if we want to sit around and cry all day. How dare you?!
You took that the wrong way. I was just trying to explain to you that this is the only way I know how to deal and get through this stuff.
Honestly would I like my H to have choosen me? Would I like to still be with him? YES . . very much so. BUT . . . that hurts too much. It hurts too much that I LOVE HIM sooo much and he hates me and is marrying someone else. If I don't get over the fact that I love him . . then I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. I am trying to move on. Trying to convince myself that I don't love him . .and I don't want to be with him. Right now in my anger . . I do want the marriage to be over. I want him out of my life. He doesn't want to be with me . . . why should I keep hanging on and hurt myself.
You always say that happiness is a choice . . . I am trying to choose happiness . . by choosing to walk away from my H now. If I hang on I'll be miserable longer (because he doesn't want to be with me)
I'm sorry RB that I don't perfectly model the Christian lifestyle. I'm trying . . . but I do fade in and out. I know that's not right.
It's truly odd because the night before my H kicked me out in Dec I prayed to God and told him to take over and show me what needed to happen for my life to be OK . . because my marriage wasn't and I was pregnant . . . etc. THE NEXT DAY MY H SENT ME PACKING . .
I've fought it this long . . . and I'm starting to feel like I've been fighting the path that God was trying to show me. I feel like maybe he was showing me that the best path for me was by myself or at least away from Kevin. I've been resisting God's plan.
Maybe now I shouldn't be saying "I would never take Kevin back" but . . why should I?? So he can walk out again. It would be foolish of me. It was foolish of me a week ago . . to want him back the way I did. Sure I still have to find forgiveness . . . but it was foolish of me to think that this R would work after him being with someone else. (He always said that he could NEVER ML with a girl without being with her . . .he's too nice for that. I should have known there was more to this relationship.)
I see things in their R (from talking to the OW) where it seems that he is almost trying to make it like me. Almost like he wants it to mirror us so he doesn't have to miss me. Maybe that's me hoping that he did love me at some point and hoping that some day he'll miss me even just a little.
