Quote: Now that it's over . . . and no one will hate for staying with him (as it's not an option) I feel that I am to tell people the whole truth about our relationship.
So the reason that you didn't tell us on this forum about his abuse was that you didn't want us to "hate you" for staying with him? You expected us to be able to give you good advice without really knowing what was going on?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
This past visit he really scared me . . . we were arguing and he got right in my face and had the remote control (since he was holding it) in his hand and he jammed it into my cheeck. I got up and ran outside. I guess maybe that's why it's coming back up. I would say that it has been since November 2005 since he's done anything. We were sitting in the car and he grabbed my throat and shoved me into the door. (I was pregnant this time . . but just barely . . he didn't touch me again while i was pregnant) Then before that it was Feb or March of 2005 . . . he bruised my ribs because he shoved me into a brick wall. Then probably August 2004 . . . a couple different times he shoved me around . . but he sort of choked slammed me into the floor. (pregnant here) which takes us back to Novemeber 2003 . . . when he hit me in the face. Ok . . so it goes back farther. . . sometime earlier in 2003 or 2002 he grabbed me by the throat and slammed me into a wall . . .
Other than that . . he would shove me around . . . mostly if I got in his way or just really made him mad.
Quote: So the reason that you didn't tell us on this forum about his abuse was that you didn't want us to "hate you" for staying with him? You expected us to be able to give you good advice without really knowing what was going on?
I didn't feel that it was something I could speak out about.
I'm sorry . . . I NEVER ment to lie . . . or hold back info . . or whatever you want to call it.
Sometimes that's why he would shove me . . . sometimes it was just because I made him mad enough that he'd shove me and walk away. *Let me clarify here the times he shoved me INTO something it was because he came at me that fast . . . I was not trying to block him from going anywhere those times. The times that I got in his way he'd just push me aside and go where he was he going.
RB . . none of this is going anywhere. I'm sorry if it makes you mad I brought it up. I know that it is more than probably MY fault . . . .
I believe that he has done those things to you. I also believe that you had a very volatile relationship with him and you yourself probably got out of hand at times. Your descriptions mirror relationships of several people I have known in my life.
Let me be clear, NOTHING YOU DID EXCUSES HIM HITTING YOU, SHOVING YOU OR ANYTHING ELSE.
BUT when a woman, ANY WOMAN, gets in a mans face I firmly believe he has the right to push her aside if that is what it takes to get himself the clearance to walk away. I know what I am talking about. My mother did that crap to my stepdad when I was a teenager and I saw him "move" her on many occasions and I would not classify those times as "abuse". HOWEVER, there were other times, towards the end of their relationship...where he clearly did get abusive....so I know the difference and don't lightly excuse EITHER of you.
The fact is Emily, you have a lot to learn and you haven't even begun to understand that.
Quote: The times that I got in his way he'd just push me aside and go where he was he going.
My W did this to me a couple of times early in our marriage, trying to block the door of our apartment so that I couldn't leave (and cool off), because she wanted to "finish the argument" (translation: she wasn't done yelling yet). One of the times when she fought to keep me from walking out the door, she ended up with a big bruise on her arm. She then showed it to her father and said that I had an anger problem. The fact is, however, that SHE made a verbal argument into a physical one. She wouldn't acknowledge that she got the bruise because SHE couldn't control her anger.
That's why I've been following this line of questioning, Emily. You need to take responsibility for YOUR own role in those physical altercations. YOU decided to use force at times to attempt to control your H. It didn't work, because your H is stronger than you, but you would probably have beat him up some too, if you could.
So, now you want to say that he's abusive because of the way that he's been physical at times? I agree that he has been abusive, and that's one more reason why I think you need some separation. But, Emily, you also need to look in the mirror and recognize that you MUST deal with your own anger problem if you are to have a good marriage (ultimately with your H, or with someone else). Remember when you said "anger makes me feel free"?
For what it's worth, I also don't think it's Christian for you to judge him for a problem that you also have.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Fair enough I'll accept responsibility for the times that it was warrented because "I got in his way" I never tried to wrestle him out of a doorway or anything . . EITHER WAY . . . I'll accept resposibility for those times.
I don't think that begins to excuse some of the times that he has gotten physical with me though. Maybe I'm wrong.
One thing I did want to ask is how do you even see a chance that we'll EVER be together again. He is leaving me so that he can marry her. His mind is made up. She's the one he should have met first. They don't fight like we do. ETC . . .
He's probably right. . . I don't ever see us together again.
I'm still having a hard time accepting that he is with someone else "so soon" in that serious of a relationship . . . but it's a low grade feeling. It's not panic or rage. Just an ache . . .
Time will take care of this . . . I will grow and learn. . . it will be a while before I am with anyone else I'm sure. Not that opinions are great in this area
My sister told me to give it a year and I would feel tremendously better about the whole sitch. I won't care what he's doing or who he's with. I sure hope she's right. I hope that I can accept it faster than that.
Quote: My W did this to me a couple of times early in our marriage, trying to block the door of our apartment so that I couldn't leave (and cool off), because she wanted to "finish the argument" (translation: she wasn't done yelling yet).
Same here but she didn't stop me from leaving if I pushed my way through. No grabbing or bruises.
However sometimes she would really flip out and decide SHE was leaving and be hysterical and I'd stop her from leaving, usually by bear hugging her and not letting her go till she calmed down.
Her lawyer convinced her that was 'abuse' and used it to get a restraining order because she 'was afraid of what I MIGHT do". Me, a guy who never hit her, ever. Luckily she realized it was wrong and she dropped it but it is still a matter of public record that should never have happened and really impacted my life.
That's one reason why I caution going down this path - it becomes a matter of record and once the engine of the legal system starts you can't stop it easily. So make sure you know what you're doing and you really need protection.
Quote: EITHER WAY . . . I'll accept resposibility for those times.
Only for the part YOU played - he did what he did and is responsible for HIS part. You are not the only person there.
Quote: I don't think that begins to excuse some of the times that he has gotten physical with me though.
No, it doesn't. He was wrong to do those things. Nobody is saying he was right and you were wrong.
Quote: One thing I did want to ask is how do you even see a chance that we'll EVER be together again. He is leaving me so that he can marry her. His mind is made up. She's the one he should have met first. They don't fight like we do. ETC . . .
From my thread on 12/6/2005, the day W got back from flying 3,000 to see OM after a month of Internet and Cell phone pursuit.
Quote: I sat and spoke with W about her trip. She said that her intention on going was to just be friends with OM because her 'spirit guides' told her last week that he wasn't supposed to be a lover in this life. But when she saw him and hugged him 'words could not describe the feelings I had'. It was as if they had know each other forever. It is a deep love she believes she has for him......
She said her mind plays tricks on her feelings that's why she felt the way she did before she left, because of her confusion. But being with him cleared that up and she was in love.
She said she was sorry for putting me through this, that she didn't intend on this happening but she can't help it and is living in the moment. .....
She says she can be friends with me, and still live in the same house but wonders why I would put myself through this. I told her because I care and I want to be a friend, not an enemy. She was annoyed that I was talking about this with her, she felt uncomfortable. She also was very emotionally distant like she has been lately.
And to update you, after 3 months of this crap she realized he was BS'ing her, and she was living in a fantasy life, that he had MORE problems than she did. When she started to let the problems in her life get into their 'relationship' he didn't want to hear it. Wake up call for her that HE was crap.
It ended, she crashed emotionally and kept pursuing Divorce until I told her she could have it, I was going on with my life, we were not going to be friends but we would be on friendly terms. That woke her up then.
Now we're reconciled.
So, with your H and his fantasy, well it takes about 6 months for real life problems to interfere with the 'wonderfulness' of NO problems. Remember that he is going to be on the road a lot so he will not be giving a lot of energy to this situation. OW is going to be alone and they will both feed off the fantasy. It's stupid but it is what it is until the endorphins wear off.
Quote: I'm still having a hard time accepting that he is with someone else "so soon" in that serious of a relationship . . . but it's a low grade feeling.
He's with a low grade person. She has to be as screwed up as he is. HERE is a good article on types of affairs.
Quote: It's not panic or rage. Just an ache . . .
Time will take care of this . . . I will grow and learn. . . it will be a while before I am with anyone else I'm sure. Not that opinions are great in this area
The drama in your writing is interesting, but is it really helping you to play the victim? Stop the dramatics - this is your LIFE. This is NOT Jerry Springer or a soap opera.
