Moving Along OR Just Spinning My Wheels?

[AmyC]

I'm sorry he hurt you, Emily.

[Emily28]

Me too Amy.

This morning more than ever.
I didn't sleep lastnight (just barely a few winks) . . . and this morning I wanted to pull the covers over my head and wallow in this self-pity.
No can do . . . Felina made damn sure of that.
Thank God for my girls.

I am feeling REALLY low today.
It's really starting to sink in that my H left me for another women.
One that he tried to replace me with several times and she couldn't even fill the spot and he'd want me back too.
This time though there's talk of marriage (I guess there could have always been) . . . and this time he admitted to me that he loves her etc. He wouldn't do that before.
I don't want him back . . . I couldn't allow myself to take him back even if he wanted to come.
BUT . . .
I don't want him with OW either.
He's already moved on . . none of this has to hurt him.

I don't know what to think.
I can't get my head striaght this morning.

[pepper66]

Oh little one (baby girl) he thinks he has found someone who will make it all OK. I don't know if my advice is good or not BUT... you are the mother of his children , please don't threaten him, do not play a game of brinkmanship, this other person is giving him a whole lot of what he needs, ask yourself what she giving him and (if is sits well with you) give him the same thing.

He is lost and confused and has no idea what he needs to do (sorry guys but IMHO most men want to make us happy when they try and we are not happy they don't know what to do) They are not incontrol and we are not incontrol - we are all just learning.
You have had one of this most troubled childhoods, what your mum said to you is not OK - she has her own issues, I have a step son, not my bioligical child BUT I would move heaven and earth to protect him, I have an adopted brother be he and I are closer then my biological brother.

I feel such empathy with you because you are so young, on the other hand I envy you because you are getting this so much younger then I did.

Feel your strength, despite what you think in his opinion you probably hold the power...even if you don't think you do!

We all think we need someone BUT you know what I want him in my life but I do not need him.

Feel your strength...it does not mean leeting go of him, it just means knowing who you are.

Heck you got AMCY giving you advice.

Baby girl, love your girls but don't exclude their Dad

Forget the OW you have the power ( even if you don't feel it) let yourself feel it. My husband left me,,,but he does not in his wildest dreeams hold the power over me......

[Emily28]

Ok here's my latest rash of worries . . .

I am VERY worried about my kids being with him. I understand that they are his kids too.
He is mean . . . . abusive mean.
I would just hate if they had to endure that.
I can't prove it . . . and if I tried to bring it up in court . . . he would probably try to lie his way out or he would probably try to turn those tables on me. (Which let me add here would be total bullshit)

He's never touched on of the kids wrong (I would have left him in a heartbeat) but since Felina was a year and half old she's bawled anytime he raised his voice (which was quite often).
This past weekend he started acting like he always use to with me. Being mean . . . and she was upset. My parents took her for a few hours (like they almost always do) and they commented on how unsettled she was. They said all she would do is cry and she didn't want to do any of the things that she normally LOVES to do.

I've been thinking A LOT about it . . . and I he can't even have a civil convo. with me. Would he treat them poorly because of me?

My answer is most definately.
Maybe that's clouded judgement . . . I don't want my girls to have to endure anything from him though.
Him leaving is the best thing that could have happened to us.
His father was always VERY verbally and emotional abusive to not only his wife . . but his children as well.
I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR MY GIRLS.

So is there any action I can take. Where can I learn more about custody. . .
I don't care if he has visitation and whatnot . . . and maybe after he shows that he's not going to treat them poorly he could change it . . .


I took it for three years and never made a peep . . I thought it would change. This is the first time I've really told anyone. . .

I'm worried is there anything I can do???

[grasshopper]

He's already moved on . . none of this has to hurt him.

BS, it IS hurting him, but who cares. You have to move on too and as we ALL know, especially you Emily, that is a lot about you learning what your worth is, that you ARE a wonderful woman...NOT a girl anymore.

GH

[Emily28]

Thank You Pepper. . .
I appreciate your advice.
I am really trying to be strong and do the right things.
I know he only went back to her because I didn't have my act together yet.
I couldn't jump right back in with him . . . and I certainly couldn't trust him (good thing too because he was still lying.)
Now though he's made his bed. Hope he enjoys it.
I miss him and I love him.
I wouldn't want him back though . . . maybe another time, but right now I couldn't allow myself to be such a fool as to let him back in my life.

Thank you too GH . . . I posted right before you

I don't understand how it can hurt him when he has what he wants . . he has "the women that he loves more than he EVER loved me"
I know . . . "WHO CARES" . . . the answer is I do.
I have to stop caring.

[grasshopper]

Emily,

Be VERY careful here. If he has not ever touched them then really you are not talking about abuse, or the kind that a court is likely to do anything about (correct me if I am wrong someone).

I also am a little unsettled that you would now start bringing up accusations like this. I hope you are not just projecting his anger towards you into his relationship with his girls. Sure, he may GET angry at them because of your sitch but for you to say he would actually hurt his own Ds to get to you is a really strong accusation, one that at the moment, considering your feelings overall, honestly rings a LITTLE of revenge.

Emily, I am not saying you are making this up. What I am saying is that I truly hope YOU don't resort to trying to use the girls against HIM much in the same way you are accusing him of potentially using them against you. If he is truly abusive, then the girls need to be protected but if it's simply that you don't like him and he gets angry sometimes so you don't want them around him, I don't THINK that's enough for anyone to do anything.

I hope other's will chime in here because I think this is an important thing to talk about in your case and I may be way off.

GH

[Emily28]

Thanks GH I think it's important too.

Ok . . . there have been numerous occassions that he has hit me (bruised the entire side of my face) . . . or he has choked me . . .thrown me on the floor . . etc.
We had a dog once and she wouldn't go where he wanted her to and he threw her out the door and broke her leg.
Yeah . .
I MEAN HE'S ABUSIVE!!

I've never told anyone all of that . . and it's hard for me to do it now . . . but hell the truth has to come.

Now he's never done anything like that to Felina. Sometime I feel he's handled her too roughly . . and I said something to him about it . . . but I always assumed that was a difference of opinion.

Anyway . . . I don't want to use them against him.
I certainly hope that's not why this is coming up.
I know he yells at even Felina a lot . . . and it scares her. I mean I can spank her and she laughs at me . . . but him. . . it's different.
She loves him . . . but there's also fear there.
I certainly don't want him totally cut out of their lives.
That's why I asked about visitation until he could prove to me and the courts (maybe) that he isn't going to be abusive towards them.

I could just Felina doing something as she gets older and it reminding him of me and him saying something to the affect of "You're just like your [censored] stupid mom . . " and bashing her.
I would hate to have that happen.
Maybe I am only looking at the bad side . . but . . .

[RBinBR]

Ok . . . there have been numerous occassions that he has hit me (bruised the entire side of my face) . . . or he has choked me . . .thrown me on the floor . . etc.
We had a dog once and she wouldn't go where he wanted her to and he threw her out the door and broke her leg.

Emily, you've told us so many negative things about your H before ... why haven't you told us this?

Please be honest, as this is a critical question for you in your recovery.

[AmyC]

Her mind is just now starting to come to grips with the idea that it may actually be a good thing that he is gone.
Also though, she wants him to "pay" for hurting her and this is the only card she holds. The kids.

Admit it or not Emily, that's what is happening here.
I'm not saying it is a conscious decision to keep him away from the kids...but it IS the only way YOU can hurt HIM and the fact is MANY women play this card.
I CAN'T STAND WOMEN THAT DO THAT!
IT IS WRONG!!
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

Emily, I don't doubt that this happened.
Based solely on what I know of his background it is plausible.
However, since you apparently never saw fit to report it, unfortunately a court would probably view this behavior as having been "forgiven" once you let him back into your bed. That's the ugly truth about the way it is in Virginia. Maybe Pennsylvania is different but if you have never filed a police report you don't have much of a leg to stand on.

Here's the deal:
He is a truck driver now and the likelihood that he will even try to get visitation on the random 4 days a month he will be "home" (where ever that is) is slim at best.
I don't think this is a real concern at this time.
Should it be later, the best thing you have going for you is ALL THESE DAYS he has voluntarily stayed away from them and all involvement in their lives. Unless, he is stable with a VERY MUCH IMPROVED lifestyle, I seriously doubt a judge is going to let him take those girls a few hours away from you to a place they don't know with a man they rarely even see.
THAT is your legal strategy, NOT trying to say he is abusive and unfit. You'd really better take a long, hard look in the mirror before you attempt to do that because he will drag every skeleton you have into court to fight you.

Let this go for now.
I really don't foresee him seeking visitation.

Drop the abuse claim.
Now.
Whatever he did to you, REMEMBER IT.
For when you're crying because he's gone.

Girl, you've just been set free.
Don't grab that cell door and shut yourself back inside.