Moving Along OR Just Spinning My Wheels?

[Emily28]

Honestly . . .

because I am terrified of being left all alone.

I do have plans for myself.
But I just don't think I'm ready to commit to a whole life without my H.

I figured since I fudged up so bad in my DBing this last time maybe it would help if I set down serious rules for myself for when I am interacting with him.

MY goals for myself are always crappy . . .
I have things I want to do

I.E. get a job (hopefully the one I'm applying for up to the school) . . get my license.
Eventually (like with next year tax return) get myself a car.
Things like that.
But I wouldn't know how to put together a list ALL for myself.
I am scared to death of a life ALL by myself . . .

[Emily28]

Alright . . .here's a little more from the MUCH to cluttered mind of Emily . . .

I feel like I live in the Land Of Em . . . I just need to find the stupid wizard!

Ok . . .

I have been stewing over RB's advice . . .
still waiting to see if he'll check back in and answer my question.

I want to do what's best for my marriage.

But given some of these things:

* He said the affair was caused mainly by lack of contact with me (as we were living seperately and he felt lonely)

* When I went out (even though he pushed me to) with my friends he packed up all his stuff . . even though we were alright when I left.

* He's gone so much that we wouldn't have much contact anyways.

I worry that maybe the whole "no contact" thing would harm more than help.

I know what I want . . .he really doesn't . . if I shove him out of my life.
I think he'll run to the OW . . . and try to forget all about me.
It'll hurt him . . . but he'll refuse to EVER come back.
As long as we both sort of hang he'll come back.
But if I break it off . . . he won't be at fault . . .he'll stay gone.



Any thoughts?

[RBinBR]

Sorry ... I missed your question earlier ... found it now.

RB . . . do you really think I should ask for a "real" seperation (not talking and such) if there is a doubt about the OW. Won't that just shove him into to her arms???

Your H indicated that his A was about sex, and I very well believe it, because sexual attraction is what causes men to have A's in the majority of cases. (With women, it's the emotional attachment that develops before the sex, and with men is usually the other way around.) If your H really doesn't care about the OW (as I suspect), then you need to confront the fact that your H can find sex in a lot of places, and you don't have to worry about the OW any more than any other woman he meets out on the road. I know that isn't very reassuring, but I think it's the truth. Until his training is over and he can find a driving job that enables him to be home every night, I don't think you'll ever be able to feel confident that he isn't with another woman. Unless you're prepared to live the next two years of your life that way, I think you need some separation so that you can detach and improve your own life by focusing on letting your emotional needs be met through Christ, through real female friends, through family, and of course through your little girls. You need the space to work on you, and he needs the space too (whether he realizes it or not).

[Delil@h]

Well said, my H says that alot ,,"I can get sex anywhere."

but what they need is something very different? You are very insightful no wonder Emily was waiting for your reply.Gives alot to think about.

[Emily28]

Definately not what I wanted to hear . . . but thank you so much for saying it RB.

My H has already signed his year contract to drive for Schneider . . . other wise he owes them 3500.00 for training.
That will put him home only 4 days a month.
He told me he really needed to stay with them for 2 years so that he would have the experience before he tried to go somewhere else.

I know that he can get sex anywhere.
I guess I just wanted to believe all the stuff he told me.
He didn't enjoy all the lying that was involved with cheating.
He wouldn't just sleep with any random women (I.E. a lot lizard.)
Those types of things.

So whether I like it or not my M is over???

I don't want my marriage to be over.
God . . . what will I have left to believe in then?
What the hell will I tell my beautiful girls when they grow up without a daddy . . . and want to know where theirs is.
I'd say what the hell will I do . . . but the answer is : Exactly what I've been doing . . . anything I want.

WOW that is a lot to think about. Although none of it I want to think about

[frank_D]

I guess I just wanted to believe all the stuff he told me.
He didn't enjoy all the lying that was involved with cheating.
He wouldn't just sleep with any random women (I.E. a lot lizard.)
Those types of things.

So, why can't you still believe him? These seem like pretty honest feelings he has shared.

So whether I like it or not my M is over???

Your marriage, as it was, is over. All of our marriages were 'over' when we found our way to these boards.

Whatever happens next will be because you made it happen.

I don't want my marriage to be over.

Do you want the life you were living with pain and unresolved issues to be over?

God . . . what will I have left to believe in then?

Emily

What the hell will I tell my beautiful girls when they grow up without a daddy . . . and want to know where theirs is.

They won't grow up without a daddy. You said yourself he loves his girls. He's not going to stop seeing them.

I'd say what the hell will I do . . . but the answer is : Exactly what I've been doing . . . anything I want.

You will do what you need to do to get Emilys house in order. He will do what he needs to do to get his house in order.

You need to let him go Emily. When you hold on to him it's with a 'death grip', then you slap him in the face with your anger, then you panic and obsess over what you or he has just done to ruin it all.

If you keep this cycle up he WILL be gone forever. Whether he has an OW or not one thing is for sure he won't want to be coming 'home' to a place where it's so unpredictable.

Let him go Emily, while he still loves you. Get Emily on track for life. 21 years old is a hard place for you to be with kids and all but you are a survivor. And you have a looooong life ahead of you.

Stop calling, e-mailing or looking at MySpace. He'll call when he wants to talk and when he does, be present and grounded but do not go anywhere near relationship issues. Keep it on the kids, job, relatives, weather, whatever.

Do this for your girls sake. They need a mother who is sane.

[Emily28]

I am sooo frustraighted tonight.
I was hoping he would call me today and at least let me know what was going.
I understand that him "needing time to think" takes more than a day. I don't want him to make the decision too quickly . . nor do I want him to take forever or think it's OK to walk away from us without another call.

He's busy . . that's all.
That's probably not totally true . . . but hey! I have to try and think positive.
My marriage may well be over even if we both decided we'd like to stay.
I am trying to face that.
I sat staring at Kiya . . . and bawling just a little while go.
I just kept thinking that she'll never really know her daddy.
He might not always be all lovie dovie but he loves his girls whole heartedly. Felina adores him even though she doesn't see him that often.
I see so much of him in these girls . . . I wanted them to see the diversity that he brings and understand that everyone is worthwhile.
Oh my . . .
I just can't help but grieve the tremendous loss that I feel.
Like part of me has been ripped away. . .
and then I think of my girls . . . my poor beautiful girls.
Who have nothing to do with problem . . . but they have to suffer ALL the consiquences.
I am going to go watch some TV . . try to get my mind out of overdrive and go to bed.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
.

[Emily28]

Thank you Frank. . .
I appreciate it. I'll reply to it tomorrow . . after I feel more stable.
Thank you so much for taking the time to come check on me. .

[frank_D]

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Tomorrow WILL be a better day.

[RBinBR]

I know that he can get sex anywhere.
I guess I just wanted to believe all the stuff he told me.
He didn't enjoy all the lying that was involved with cheating.

No, the lying is never fun, but that doesn't mean that he won't do it. (To make this personal, I didn't like lying to my W about my porn habit, but the lying didn't stop me from doing it for years.)

He wouldn't just sleep with any random women (I.E. a lot lizard.)

Umm ... but he did, didn't he? Wasn't the OW just a "random woman"? Let me ask you, would it really make you happier if he cared about the OW? I don't know if you can understand this or not, but to your H, it probably didn't feel as "bad" because he didn't care about her ... it was "just sex."

I now lead a group at my church for men breaking free of sexual addiction, and I have a guy in my group who just recently ended an affair with a girl at his work. He cared absolutely nothing about her and loves his wife very much, but the whole thing was just about sex, and he has had a long-term problem with sexual addiction.

I am not saying that your H is a sex addict (because I don't have nearly enough info for that), but his horrible family background makes it much more likely. If so, then it's likely that he uses sex as a substitute for love, to try to meet his emotional needs.

The point that I am trying to make here is that it really doesn't matter at this point whether he has an emotional attachment to the OW or not. He's not ready for a real marriage relationship with you, and you HAVE to give him the space to grow up and recognize that he wants one. I don't think that will happen until you leave him alone.

I don't want my marriage to be over.
God . . . what will I have left to believe in then?

Your M is unquestionably over, just like mine is. You can possibly build something new, but accepting that your marriage is over is essential to the detachment you need.

What the hell will I tell my beautiful girls when they grow up without a daddy . . . and want to know where theirs is.

Different topic, Emily, but please cut down on the drama. I know that you're working on yourself, but enjoying your victim status is still a really big problem for you.