I know that the past 5 or 6 posts here have been from me . . but I've had a lot to say today!
As I was surfing other threads . . . these words kept circling in my head. . .
"You always say it will get better, you always say you'll change . . . and it never does and neither do you."
My H said that to me.
I really was starting to change my thinking about the PA. Honestly I was . . .
then the mark . . . I know I keep coming back to that! I was going to take his word at face value.
I met him at the door with a HUGE hug . . . and then we walked outside for a smoke together and BAM there was the mark.
It ruined our whole weekend.
Maybe our feeble R that might have lead back to a healthy M.
Aye!!!
Those words keep circling in my head . .
WHAT DO I DO TO SHOW HIM THAT I WILL AND CAN BE DIFFERENT.
I do not plan to talk about the OW anymore . . NEVER . . . I don't want her in our R.
HOW DO I SHOW HIM MY ACTION if he will not be around me?
*I know I have to act in order for him to see it . . . but if he's not around and we aren't in contact.
How can I prove myself to him?
Goodnight all . . .hopefully tomorrow when I come . . I'll have some sound advice to slap me in the eye and get me motivated and moving in the right direction.
Good morning sexy,silly,emotional,overthinking(like ME) EMILY You are a sweet young lady who needs to stop worrying @ every little thing he does. You need to focus on real lasting changes for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only you can turn this around
Quote: You always say it will get better, you always say you'll change . . . and it never does and neither do you."
It can get better and it will get better but the only way is for you to stop acting like a jealous green monster for one , like you have nothing else to do but fret over his every move and whereabouts. DO NOT ,DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME..........
I AM NOT CONDONING ANYTHING KEVIN DOES,,,what I really want you to see like Ive told you many times before this type of bullshit behavior while he probably deserves to get it plus a couple good ass whoopings will take you nowhere,,, beleieve me sweetie ,Ive been there done that.
Stop Immediately what you have been doing and be better, I am not asking you to totally change Emily just change the way you constantly react to KEVIN. No he's not perfect honey, but if you are choosing to keep him around stop crucifying him. Let him crucify himself. Please. When you get excited about stuff(SHI(ZN)IT) he does he doesnt have to own it. Do you understand???
Then you can feel it all for him and it makes what he may or may not be doing ...ok. Trust me beyond a shadow of a doubt,, I am going thru the same garbage,, OW just called my H last night, you know what ? I stayed calm. She called around ( 9pm) guess what he didnt answer,, he didnt leave the room to call her ,Him and I were laying in bed watching Tv.We went to bed.
Sure I was upset , but you know what I love that she doesn't own me. I am better than that and better than her for that matter she ---is -- pursuing a married man and hes in bed with me,, he comes home to me and he Ml to me,, yeah its not perfect but you know what why let her ruin any time I have with him? In the past believe you me Em, I would have blown a fuse,, I am getting a little peeved just relaying the story to you but you know what,, I can go to bed at night and look at myself in the mirror and know I am a beautiful worthy woman. Who any man ( well a few ) would trip over hemselves just to take me out to eat,, and I have 5 kids Emily,,, 17, 14, 9,8,6. And even if I didnt get a dinner date,, I am still awesome. Ive been thru enough to allow myself to love myself.
Just b/c I have kids doesnt mean Im used goods or noone would ever find me attractive.
Also another OW, example and why you have to let the idea that she even matters go,, I snooped ( I know I am setting a really bad example for you ) ,hey being honest, Anyway on Sunday,my H went out for a couple of beers and guess what she had sent him a text "I miss you very much."
I saw this last night,, well let me explain, No I dont know if he texted her back ( I doubt it),, or called her. What I do know is he called ME several times from the bar, he couldnt get thru to me, when I finally answered he was soooooooooooooooooooooooo happy to talk to me. I FEEL EVEN BETTER THAT SHE SENT HIM A TEXT HE WAS AWAY FROM HOME COULDVE BLOWN UP HER PHONE TO TALK ////INSTEAD WAS CALLING ME. hed only been gone @ an hour and a half.
my point is if you change I will not say its a magic pill but you will feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooo in control, you will feel calmer,, add any emotion you want you'll just feel good damnit.
You can do this. Stop being so worried jealous upset angry pissed hurt highly emotional overanalyzing Kevin etc. etc. START (AND I MEAN NOW) KNOWING YOUR BEAUTY BEING STRONG High self esteem Inner beauty self love being calm loving yourself doing things that make you feel good enjoying life seeing who you can become letting go of the past forgiving yourself loving without limits being Emily
You can do this angel,, let go of the past ,bathe yourself in the love that only you can give yourself. Love yourself enough to put you first,, the rest will fall into place. I promise.
Be the best damn woman you can be , be worthy of behaving in a manner you are proud of,, stop going down cheeseless tunnels that will only make you more confused. Stand up for what you believe and let all the past be in the past make peace with yourself and with Kevin.. You do not have to tell him about it just show him . start being the strong beautiful WOMAN you are and dont look back.. Do it for yourself, start right now,, or I'll get over there to personally get your ass in line myself . Please Emily start working on you and how you react to things , lets start there please. TODAY....
God bless you girl. I am going to make myself a coffee.. I'll check on you later. Roll up your sleeves princess and get to work.
Thanks for the slap in the eye Alimari I really needed that!
I sent him an e-mail today . . . letting him know a few about Kiya (I.E. She's starting her antibotics today . . and I'd keep him posted incase of an allergic reaction.) I did throw into that e-mail that "if you wanted to call and shoot the [censored] like we used to feel free . . . there need not be any relationship talk . . we could just shoot the [censored]." I told him I was proud of him . . and I would love to hear all about where he's headed.
I'm trying to show him that I am interested in his life. He told me that he never felt like I cared or like I wanted him to just talk to me about the little stuff.
I hope to God that it's not coming across as neediness right now . . . I just want him to know that I am here for him.
He is planning on stopping through here on his way back down the the OC to finish his training (after his two weeks on the road) Unless he changes his mind in those two weeks . . I'll see him again. AND that will be my time to shine . . . and show him that our R can be loving and fun . . . and I'm not going to make him feel miserable anymore.
I will be better . . . even if he won't.
I need to make a list of 180 goal of things I will or will NOT do . . when I see him again. I am scared that he and I will on different pages as to where our relationship stands. . . but I will not bring it up.
I'm really worried that his myspace page only says "in a relationship" because of the OW. Geesh . . . I'm still circling.
STOP IT!!!!!!!
That thinking will sabotage my 180 . . . and I'll behave poorly. OK . . . I have two weeks to get my act together enough to see him again. I sure hope he doesn't decide he never wants to see me again in those two weeks.
OK . . . I have to get my PMA back up today. . . I have to stop resisting what is going to happen. I cannot control him . . . I cannot make him change his mind. And if I try it will only push him farther and make him more upset and angry.
I'm going about this all wrong today . . I need to step back and try to take off the blinders.
I feel like my screenname should be "can'tgetright" . . . I just start to get my head wrapped around something and my brain goes into hyperdrive and I overthink EVERYTHING.
I am going to go clean my house up some . . get my mind off of this . . . give my H sometime to find the message I sent him . . I have two weeks to get myself straighted . . outta this tail spin. We'll see where this goes. He just pulled this crap with me a few weeks ago when he first started this training . . . it turned out alright. Maybe this will all iron out alright too. I guess only time will tell . . I HATE WAITING . . .
I wish I could be standing outside this R like all of you and see what I need to do and OBJECTIVELY do it. . . it's so hard when it's your feelings and your heart on the line.
You are very welcome my dear,, I will slap other body parts if needed ,so lets get it together and be tough
Quote: I am scared that he and I will on different pages as to where our relationship stands. . . but I will not bring it up.
fantastic idea, do not bring it up, you are probably going to be on different pages but even though its uncomfortable , work thru that and youll do just fine.
I used to get really uncomfortable everyday around 6 p.m./// had to distRact myself or Id call him,, you know what a few days or discomfort and it got easier,, plus he was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo used to me calling him so that was a 180 and I noticed then he would call me
Please give me your e-mail adress if you dont mind or just explain to me how to send you a photo thru here,,, I took it last year of me and my girls itll make you smile,, I hope. Let me know,, I know email addys are private so no offense will be taken if you cant give it to me.
Have a marvelous Day.. Get to work on your new project EMILY THE GREAT...
Thanks just sent you an email. I"ll check on you in a bit.... have to do some housework LOL. When I become a millionare I'll get a maid and one for you too
Going absolutely nutso! I just can't seem to get any forward movement. I've reevaluted my goals three or four times already since May. . . UGH . . . I just don't see a point in doing it again. I guess I could make more specific ones that deal soley with my interactions with my H. That might help. I don't know . . . if he even calls or comes back.
) ,hey being honest, Anyway on Sunday,my H went out for a couple of beers and guess what she had sent him a text "I miss you very much."
LOL.