I am worried now that I am screwing things all up.
Not with my thoughts and fear of the affair.
But with own stupidity.

I don't want to have to ask anything of him ever.
I mean isn't that why people like affairs?
Because there are no strings attached.
I don't want him to have strings.
I mean I do . .
but I don't want him to feel burdened by me.

I wanted him to feel like that before and I guess maybe I went about it the wrong way because he said he felt like I wasn't really into it before.
Well this time I'm really not into it . . . so something has to change or my marriage will be over.

I've changed my thinking about the affair . . . but how do I change my thinking about relying on him?!?!?!?

I've never been able to rely on him before . . .
he never keeps his end of that bargain.
I don't know how to try and rely on him.
When I try then he feels like he's not good enough . . because he can't provide enough (even though NEVER have I inplied that) then he gets frustraighted and mad at me and ends up running.

It seems like we are in a loop.
If I rely on him he runs from me. If I try to remain distant he feels like I don't want him and cheats.
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO??????????????????