As I was standing outside having a smoke (something that I picked back up rather quickly since having Kiya) . . . I came to a HARD realization.
Me holding this affair against Kev because "he could've prevented it" Would be similiar to me holding what's wrong with Kiya against God because "he could've prevented it".
WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO ME? It would only make my sitch worse to turn my back on God . . . much as I am only making my sitch with my H worse by holding it against him.
PLEASE do not think that I "brushing aside my childrens health" . . . I AM WORRIED TO DEATH FOR MY BABY. BUT I can clearly see that sitting around crying and dwelling on the fact that she may have to have an operation is NOT going to change the outcome . . it will only make my interactions with her unpleasant and hard (much as I have been making them so with my H).
Then that unrational voice in my head chimes in . . . Once I know what is going to happen with Kiya it's going to happen. She's going to have to have the operation or she's going to go through life normal. BUT . . nothing can predict human nature. So my H says he wants to come back now . . . that could change and he could have another affair.
There you have it . . . more circling with myself.
I know what I have to do . . . I have to make the decision that I will NOT doom this marriage any more than I have already. I just have to MAKE myself do it. ACTION . . . .
