First time posting here...I've been reading alot and finally feel comfortable posting.
A little background. I found out about this site through my husband who was a very frequent poster for several months. One of his ways of making people feel sorry for him while he led his double life. I feel bad for all of you who supported him through his lies. Well, I guess it's my turn...I need help and support on how to get through the devestating and disgusting point that my life has gotten to.
We were separated for about 4 months (beginning late Oct. 05)with very little contact during this time. We began reconcilliation attempts the beginning of Feb and counseling soon after.
I recently (a couple of days ago) validated my intense gut feeling that he had been having affairs since the beginning of our separation. He continuously lied to me about the affairs until I had gotten so much evidence that he could no longer deny them. My traust is completely shot! Will I ever be able to trust him again??
I don't want a divorce...I want to heal and somehow trust again. How and where do I start. Please help...I feel like I'm losing my mind!!
Sorry you're here. Forgive me for starting with this, but since you got the site from your H, and I would guess that he knows you are here, is it possible for us to know who he is so we can, for once, get both sides of the story?
Anyway, this is a little strange since it seems like we are dealing with a man who must know what we will tell you to do, i.e. has your playbook already. If you won't talk about who he is, maybe you can start with expanding on what HE seemingly got from "us" here and why it didn't make a difference, and what makes you think you can get something out of it he didn't get? That's not a challenge to you, I guess it's my way of asking what your goals are.
Again, sorry to meet you like this and I KNOW YOU will get some help here, just like I would hope your H did.
P.S. Is there any chance he's still here? I would just hate to be advising two people in the same sitch because the nature of their posts, and the things they decided to share with us would necessitate different advice and thus, we could be unwittingly advising you two in two different directions. Also, I guess I am concerned that you say someone on here was outright lying to us for several months. While I know that is VERY possible, I guess I am niéve enough to believe that we could pick up on that. In that respect, I am a bit afraid of knowing who your H is. Maybe I don't want to know.
Sorry to focus so much on this but I am a bit shaken thinking of the possibility of BOTH partners in a sitch like ours posting here at the same time. I don't know why I never thought that was going on. It is surely a possibility.
My H's username is Tampaguy1961...I'm sure many will be familiar with him. I'm not here to trash him...just trying to understand and heal. I don't know if he knows I'm posting here or not...he hasn't posted for a few months. But I'm fine if he knows.
I read through most of the posts regarding our marriage and found that you were all very supportive and encouraged him to do the right thing by not getting intimately involved with OW. From his posts, I see he didn't tell you that he had been very involved in a singles life from the very beginning. But, protrayed himself to you folks as the lonely guy waiting for his wayward wife to return.
How do I even begin to heal...I have ordered some books and done quite a bit of reading online...I am desperate to stop the pain I'm feeling!!
Ok, so if we choose to, we can go back and read his posts, something I MAY do but for now, what is going on in the sitch. Where do things stand? How about telling the story as best as you can so we know where to go from here?
I will update the sitch from the time we moved back in together. I have to say that our relationship has been better than it ever was before our separation. We have been making great progress with an outstanding C. I had suspicions about the affairs prior to moving back in together, but my H promised that they were mothing but friends...he was GALing...which if done the way you all suggested would have been heathy for him. Anyway, I believed what he told me...and also believed that working on our marriage was his only priority.
I won't go into exactly how I got all my evidence, but little things would come up that gave me an uneasy feeling in my gut...even though all along, I desperately wanted to believe him...I have never stopped loving him!
Over the past few days, I have been questioning him about things that didn't seem right...but he kept denying...he then admitted to making out and sexual touching (if you know what I mean), but swore on his salvation that he never had sex with them. I'm not stupid or as nieve as he must think, but I knew it was more than touching. Through my persistence, he finally admitted that he had been seriously involved with 2 OW...which he lied to initially telling them that we had divorced early last summer. He claims to have fessed up to the fact that he is still very married...but the affairs continued until he and I began counseling.
Another key point to mention here is that when we first talked about a separation, at his initiation, we layed down some ground rules about our social lives. We agreed to not see other people. If either of us got to the point where we wanted to see others, that we would have enough respect to let the other know before we actually dated. I kept my promise. I never even thought about it let alone put myself in a position to make a wrong decission that could jeopardize our marriage. He was signing up on singles/dating sites within a week of our separation...he had no intention of keeping his promise!
What was the reason for your separation in the first place? Why did you leave? And how long have you been married? Any kids? Ages of both of you? Some details would be good.
Ok, I will address the rest later with any luck at all, but here are my thoughts on...
Quote: He was signing up on singles/dating sites within a week of our separation...he had no intention of keeping his promise!
I have looked at those sites too. I did it pretty soon after my W dropped the bombs on me. I never intended to, nor did I ever pursue anything there (really only checked in a couple of times and found it not something i wanted to be involved in) but I went there. Does that mean I didn't want to stick to my word to "not see" other people?
Could you, for the sake of us who are not familiar with your H's posts, post a quick summery of your sitch. I have no idea if this was a case of you having an affair, a simple separation, him having an affair, etc. I need some context and I am lazy today, sorry.
Also, I don't know if you realize it or not, but the individual sections of this site, i.e. MLC, Infidelity, Separated, now what, Piecing, etc, are all pretty separate in terms of who posts where. There are a few rare exceptions, but for the most part, people mainly stick to the section of the board where they have their thread. I say this to you because I am unsure if you WANT people who knew your H while he was here to post to you or you do not. In either case, it looks like he posted a lot in the "separated" section and not here, so most of us on the "infidelity" board will not be familiar with your story but should be able to help. Again, that can be good and bad depending on how you look at it.
We were separated last summer for a couple of months...in which I lived with a friend (the only one with a house big enough) since my H pretty much refussed to let me get an apartment. We have been together for 4 1/2 yrs and married for 2. My H was extremely emotionally abusive to my children and I since early on in our relationship...nothing seemed to help. This is why the first separation occurred. My friends lifestyle is so different than mine, that it was nearly impossible for me to do any kind of healing. I moved back home a couple of months later...but since the purpose of the separtion had never been accomplished, another separation occurred a few months later.
I have 2 kids at home D15 and S17...they aren't my H kids. I am 39 H is 45
