Re Lil after all, he has all the money. I am going to add a little bit to that Lil. "after all, he has more money than she does and she was short changed earlier in life. It's her turn to receive more of the benefits and not have to work so hard for what she is getting..
RE N I can honestly say that it sounds like we are in the same exact boat, as far as how we want to approach our S and do things to enable a situation favorable to ours. How about a similar boat going across a lake at different times of the day.
This is exactly what the W does, reacts or feels (I assume). She thinks by allowing me to indulge in such activities (that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE) that get my motor running, that she is "allowing" me just another form of self-indulgence and that should be enough to satisfy the thirst, when in reality it just makes the thirst stronger for more. Another way to look at is Your W likes the attention or activity (you didn’t say exactly what you and here were doing) up to a point. She is willing to participate in the activity but only wants to play to a point.
It’s like she wants to play strip poker for the excitement but once she loses enough hands and has already taken her shoes and socks, maybe a belt, she had enough.
So, one way to look at some relationship activities, people play for the easy gifts but see no reason to do more than to take the easy wins. It is not too much different than going grocery shopping on a day when the store has people handing out samples for ten different popular foods. Just because I accept a sample, it does not obligate me to buy anything. Everyone knows that in a grocery store setting. I think the expectations of a spouse buying into something we are offering are higher in a relationship.
My viewpoint: she just assumes that’s always enough and if I can't take it or handle it, i would stop. Good point to ponder. Does she ever ask why you stop? If this stopping is something new to you, observe what happens when you stop sooner.
I rub BB’s back and feet w/o expecting much to happen sometimes. Sometimes I have clear goals in mind and expect to carry them out.
We had a “why did you stop” discussion a couple of times. One example was I said I felt that was all I had to give at the time. BB said she really liked what I was doing and asked me to keep going. I said no that time.
Other times when I stopped, BB asked why. I said if I was going to continue one of two things were going to happen. I said we will have sex or if she was going to be cranky about having sex and nothing happened, I was going to feel resentment/frustrations and I was trying to avoid that situation.
In the last case, BB said she wanted all of the back and foot rubbing but was not willing to have sex. This is what I referred to as someone willing to take all of the free samples, from many different approaches, as long as it didn’t involve much effort from them.
I may not understand it all, i may not agree with it all, and i find myself drifting back to the negative because reality doesn't match the fantasy in my head -- i just view all of this as a maturing process we all need to endure. it may always be this way and i may always have this struggle - but as long as i recognize this, i am half way thru the battle In another part of life, look at some of the free stuff given out in stores and other businesses.
I worked in a Super Gas Station in 1972. We were giving out Green Stamps with all purchases. We gave a free car wash (semi-automatic brush type of car wash equipment that took about 2 minuets) if the customer bought 8 or more gallons of gasoline. Some of out customers were on a monthly mailing list. They were sent a coupon for a free set of 4 insulated coffee mugs.
I couldn’t believe the attitude of some customers. If were giving this stuff away for free, we must not have much invested so they were entitled to it somehow. We even had people insisting the free car wash damages their car’s paint job and wanted the station to pay $300 to repaint this one guy’s car.
The Green stamps cost us .02 or .04 cents per dollars, The coffee cups might have cost .50 to .95 cents, the car wash equipment cost around $10,000 installed and about 0.25 to .40 cents per car to operate.
I am getting a little off the subject of when to stop but want to use the gas station experience as an example of how some people react to free-bees. They sometimes don’t realize what goes into the free stuff.
Business owners and most employees have different views of a business sometimes. Owners are looking at sales and profits, how to meet expenses, and get what is left over at the end of the month. Sometime what is left over is a large amount. Sometimes there is nothing left over so the owner just worked for free that month.
I see some employees that are talking about the next paid holiday, wondering what the bonus will be, and what other perks are available. I also see employees working hard for their pay check.
The difference is some employees don’t realize all the owner puts into a business that is not recorded on the employees pay stub.
I see this too in relationships. Someone cooks and cleans more than is appreciated. Someone puts more into the romantic or sexual part of a M than is appreciated. Someone gives good sex 10 points and the OS thinks good sex is only worth 2 points. It’s in the book “The 5 Love Languages”.
So N, think about are you giving more than you have and operating at a zero or deficit balance. Are you making good sex worth10 points and your W saying it is only a 2 point event?
N, I know I don't always appreciate what others put into all of the things thy bring to a R. I know I am more aware and make more effort to show my appreciation. It is difficult for me to see the lack of caring some spouses show for their mates efforts.
