as to why i changed the heading... because the last 2 days have been drastically improved from my perspective (to a degree), yet i still think i screwed this up. yep - leave it to me... so this is what its been like lately:
the days have been filled w/ good conversation, very playful comments as well from time to time (Even while we worked - which was somethng that has not happened in a very very long time - cant remember the last time we were like that).
even when its time to be parents, do our thing - its been fun, nice, exciting and well, not near as dreadful or tiring. i guess its because the days have been nicer - its been nicer to come home. all in all - things have been improved the last 2 days EXCEPT (you knew this was coming):
i still have yet to experience the simple things i have craved for so long and this is where i think i screwed up. the nights have been great, everything except what was done has been great. have i tried some basic things? yes. have i called her on it? yes. was i still denied? on those things, yes, but heres the difference, which i am not taking well (cause me a neanderhal) - just because its been so long -- she is having some female issue (she told me when i called her on it)which has gone on for at least a wk now and well, she says its not makin her feel great about things. its very obvious to me, so i am not going to force or blame her for not wanting to. (i know this is mean, but, its been so long - I DONT CARE!). in the end, everything else is fun - so i go along with it all. the ML is nice and you can tell she cares. i just question whether i should have gone thru with it? i mean everything felt so different i figured what the heck, lets take her word for it and see if it remains different when her problem is over (whenever that will be, we really dont know - its been an issue before). come to think of it, its been an issue since i have issues. <ruh-roh, dont yell at me gang>
I mean, i just sit here, feeling down - thinking, what else do i have to do? she has told me that if it werent for this, that it wouldnt be a big deal. it is ALL HER, none of it me.
i dont know if i believe her, but with the way the last 2 days go - i am inclined to. i am just flustered beyond all BLEEPIDITY BLEEP!
yes i have explained all this to her -it is plain as day to her what i been missing/wanting and she seems happy to oblige if it werent for her thing.... so.... ugh - just another rock in the road i guess -- more like a boulder. i just got to keep reminding myself not to do something stupid!
