I hear ya and completely understand. But I see two problems in what you are saying in your last few posts:
1.You say you are the helper by nature in all that you do. This is both good and bad. As long as you give without expecting anything in return, then it is an asset. But I hear you expressing resentment that you do not get anything back. So either stop giving so much or stop expecting anything back in return.
2. You assumed that an older woman would be more straightforward and do not play the “head games” other younger woman do. You also say to Corri that “i want what i want, when i want it.” I don’t see how this could be a recent change in your personality, but something that has always been a part of you. That means your wife probably knew this about you when you got married. Yet at that time she still did not play the “head games.” So what I wonder is which of the following is true: a) she is not too bright and just doesn’t get your needs, or b) she knows enough not to play “head games” and uses a more advanced form of “head games” which you are just now coming to realize.
So maybe your frustration has to do in part with your understanding that you do not control her as much as you think you do (that she probably control you instead), that you may be the one with the more immature “head games” and you are now trying to grow out of it, and this loss of control is setting your world spinning. My point is maybe you are not really losing any control at all, that little has really changed, except how you see things. So to her, everything is fine, just as it has always been. It is your perspective that is changing and so your perception of the control you have is undergoing an awakening. You probably have as little control now as you ever did, but you just didn’t realize it years ago.
So rather than get all twisted up on what she is doing to you (by not being attentive to your needs, by her becoming more selfish, etc), first rule out the possibility that the recent changes aren’t only within you. If you want to talk to her about this stuff, you need to be clear about what each of you have or have not done. To falsely accuse her of neglecting you will only tick her off. She will assume you are just projecting your issues onto her. And she will be right. So I would do that internal check first.
I also get a lot of ego issues with you. The self assuredness of youth is coming to a reality check of its own. She is not playing into your enmeshment needs and that is bothering you. All this talk about how you have pumped yourself up and are now more attractive than ever is just a bunch of narcissistic self flattery. Nothing wrong with what you did (in fact I think EVERYONE should workout regulary), but as soon as you expect her to appreciate your new body, you will have problems. Stay in shape for YOU. Do not expect anything from her. That only creates resentment, doesn’t it?
I’m also thinking back to some of my earlier comments to you. It seems to me your wife has not changed much since you two got married. However I think you have changed dramatically. In a way you are rewriting the marriage contract. You are not what she originally married and since she is not changing with you, you are complaining. Could she be reacting in a passive-aggressive manner, due in part to low self esteem, and rather than take up the challenge to improve herself, she just pulls back into her own cave and resists your requests to workout and become more involved in life in general? Now don’t get me wrong. She has an obligation to grow as the marriage grows, or the marriage will not last. But change is threatening, and since you are the one changing, you are the threatening one, at least to her. There needs to be a compromise. You need to meet each other in the middle. She needs to get up off her duff, and you need to back off your macho man thinking.
Your days of having women flock over you as a beef-cake stud have passed. If you didn’t get the chance to do so in your younger days, well… that’s life. Stop looking back and trying to relive the fantasies of your youth. Your marriage and your happiness lies in the present and the future. Do not expect her to change into something she is not in order to satisfy your ego. I think you are trying to push her into a decision to be someone she is not, in order to avoid confronting that fact that your time has passed for you to be who you have always dreamed of being. There are plenty of more mature and sophisticated ways to be a real stud. I’m sure the women on this board can fill you in on their ideas, ideas that your wife might share…..
