ok as far as in the bedroom, Mrs Nop .. I think... made a post about HD being willing to settle for low quality sex... cant find it right now. HP mentioned this to you allready too.
quoting myself to ask for some assistance.
Someone made a post about LD's not being willing to settle for low quality sex. I believe it was an excerpt from somewhere else. Ive searched for the post all the ways I know how, so unless I dreamed the post up, which I hope not, cause it was a good post, whoever posted it please ease my tortured brain from the persistant niggling, and point me to a link.
I would really appreciate it.
Don't know if this is what you are talking about, but this is #4 on some Myths About Sex list posted on the "Schnarch on Dateline July 14" thread, page 2:
Myth 4. The low desire partner is hung up about sex. This is one of the greatest surprises for couples. There is a low desire partner (and a high desire partner) in every relationship, whether you have sexual problems or not. “Low desire” and “high desire” are relative positions in a relationship, rather than something measured against a numerical preferred frequency. In many cases, the low desire partner is actually more erotically inclined and/or more sexually experienced than the high desire partner. The low desire partner knows the sex they’re having isn’t worth wanting, that’s why they’re not interested. **It’s the high desire partner’s desire for additional servings of **lousy sex** that needs to be questioned.**
Cobra: of course the lack of sex does all that, but its not so much the lack of it as much as it is the lack of quality. In the earlier part of the relationship, it was completely the opposite.
i wouldnt say i fear the consequences personally. i have become numb to it really. i have accepted that if this M fails, i will get over it and move on. My fear is more for the kids right now more then anything else.
my frustrations, which i really havent stated are this: i am always the one helping others (friends, family, coworkers, etc). the very nature of my job requires me to be the helper; however, when it is my turned to be helped, or accommodated or anything -- i get squat. nothing, zilcho, nada. that is my frustration - especially when you look at what i ask for (its not much, i am really that simple of a person).
when we first met, there was no mothering complex or any of that. i saw her as a stable, grown woman which i have always found more attractive because, well, i was tired of all the head games that the younger woman would play (mid to early 20's women). i always viewed the older women as straight forward, telling you how it is, what they want, etc. thats how we were, it was truly good. problem w/ early on, as i said before, frequency was a huge issue --but all that i complain about now in not getting -- i was getting.
the only thing scaring me right now is having to live the rest of my life deprived of things i want to experience w/ the woman i love. i fear that it will drive me to do something stupid. again, i am man - it would only be a matter of time.... i am trying my damndest
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of course i am ready to go postal. hell, i am ready to go postal at any moment for any reason in normal life
as far as wanting to apply it all.... i understand how it works - but that is also a crux of my issue. i really do have NO patience. i want what i want, when i want it - hehe - i know, poor attitude and approach... i am working on that.
the first part of my trek was hard - actually the first 5wks were the worst. Every morning i woke up feeling like i was in some kinda car wreck, or run over by a mac truck or something that nasty. i just about quit in wk6 when the results showed (seemed like overnight) - and once that happened... that was all she wrote - my attitude and approach became what it is today.
and on the other post you made.... i might agree with that the LD is more experienced and erotically inclined, but i will say this. if my W (the LD) is that inclined and what have you -- PLEASE, OH PRETTY PLEASE W/ CHERRIES whereever you can fit them and will allow me to...... oopsie - got carried away there! -- CAN YOU SHOW ME?
Let me ask you this...you say "in the earlier part of your R" things were better. Well...how long did that last? Very often our R's are different intially and the "honeymoon" stage of the R lasts for awhile...sometimes a couple of years. There's that time of newness where things are still quite exciting and we are busy discovering the other person in many ways. That initial time of the R is not necessarily an indication of how your R will remain over time, and with other influences introduced to it (such as children, work, and daily stresses of dealing with both). I'm sure you are aware of this.
Lets face it Andy, with time people become comfortable with each other...the newness wears off and the R matures. It sure would be nice if we could all keep the excitement of the honeymoon period, but well....that's not realistic.
In the early days communication doesn't really seem to be such an issue...but it sure becomes one down the road as your relationships mature and morphs. Something I'd like to share with you that I've learned over the last couple of years is that...what I thought I wanted in my M was in reality a pre-concieved notion of what I thought it should be. I still don't have in my M the things that I started out thinking I needed & wanted at the beginning of this process (we still don't boink like bunnies LOL).....BUT....my M is in MUCH better and happier place than it was, even with our occasional speedbumps that trip us up. It took me letting go of trying to change my H though, and to be honest...I never thought I was trying to change my H....but I was (and so are you). I had to work on myself, I had to let go and truly work on accepting my H for the man that he was/is...right now, today. Let me tell you, that is a difficult thing to do. You aren't ready to do that at this point, you still resist that and still end up focusing on your W, and believe me...I understand why you do too LOL. Eventually though, you may find yourself at the place where you can drop the reins so-to-speak. To get to that place though, you are going to have to work on your patience, empathy of where your W's perspective may be coming from, and brutal honesty with yourself about your wants/needs/motives. Let me tell ya, that's not easy homework either, but you'll be amazed at the growth you will experience through this process.
My H and I have gone through some pretty rough patches (even just this year) and I have truly had to step back and examine myself pretty closely....my motives for wanting change, my happiness with myself, my expectations of my M, and what REALLY makes me happy in my M. It was quite shocking to me to learn that those things I thought I wanted/needed...weren't what truly ended up making me happy in my M. I know that may not make any sense whatsoever to you at this point....hopefully someday soon it will though.
Sorry this post has ended up so long, but my main point behind it is...I notice you bring up "in the early years etc"....and wanted to point out that you shouldn't focus on that. You will never regain those years, focus on NOW. What you had back then can never be again because you two are no longer those young people...but you can have something so much better, much more satisfying than you realize.
i only bring up the early years as a reference to what she was willing to do, something she is not willing to do now. i have let that go.... because while the quality was great, the frequency was just 2-3x month..... so i don't want to go back except to do the things i want now
if i am to accept my W for who she is and what she has to offer, RIGHT NOW, i am giving up on what i know are my needs. i know, i am not thinking long-term, i am thinking about myself.... but if i dont, who will? yes, that all ties into everything i said earlier.
and yes, i am guilty of trying to change her... i am guilty of thinking my M is supposed to be one thing when its the other.... then again - as i say... me a simple man, i am not asking for much. as i have told her, and many others that have come into my life. you give me the simple things, i give you the world. i have found someone to give me my simple things - lol
i know, you will probably tell me its not a turn on and what not - but thats how i am, who i am.
alright... i am reading, rereading, reevaluating, etc -- and i continue to come back to the same things. i feel like, at this point, i am wasting some of your time. i will eventually get it right -- you almost have to -- noone can be that dense
I'm sure it's not any comfort to you but I thought this exact same thing once (RIGHT NOW, i am giving up on what i know are my needs).
Yes, it feels that way...but guess what? You aren't receiving those things right now anyway area you? It does feel like giving up/giving in when you let go....what it is in actuality though, is dropping the reins....and working on the long-term goal. Turn internally and work on the issues within you that you need to work on Andy (patience, appearing stronger to your W etc). It is not giving up on your needs, it is doing the work within yourself to get to your goal. You won't truly see that though until you start to see your W respond as a result...but you won't see that until you make changes within you and stop focusing on her etc.
Andy, you aren't wasting anyone's time here unelss there's something you aren't telling us. It's my impression though, that you are just simply at a place we've all been too. It takes time to accept some of the things you're being told...right now you are so very focused on what you aren't getting, that it's difficult to see yourself doing what it is we have recommended.
nope - i have spilled guts... nothing is left out. i am just... uh - whats the word: not accepting this right now because yes, it is giving in/caving in to me (a sign of weakness).
welp.... i am kinda lost for words at the moment....
I do not expect that you are going to accept what I'm saying to you right now, you aren't at the place you need to be to actually do this anyway.
I'm just trying to share with you what has worked for me and others. You still have some oh...for lack of a better phrase, rights of passage to go through before you can get to this point and truly drop the rope.
My best advice to you (as others has also said) is concentrate on the work you need to do within yourself right now (patience, empathy etc)....and try not to focus on the "but why can't she...", "why won't she....", "if she would just....". Focusing on her hasn't worked so far for you and continuing to focus on her and her behavior...will continue not to work. So simply try a modification in YOUR behavior with her as a start. Think you can handle that one?
i guess i can work on that... i just got to learn to keep my mouth shut, especially in those "special" situations i always seem to get into at the moment
I don't know if this will work for you, but here's a tool I use when my mouth starts to go into automatic overdrive. This may sound really silly, but it works...just trust me on this one.
When she does/says something and you start to take the bait and respond in your normal manner....literally say to yourself (silently of course)..."edit!" or "stop", whatever works for you. It will become a mental cue for you to rethink what you are about to say, or simply to not say anything back at all (depending upon the circumstance). Sometimes saying nothing at all in response to her allows you not to rescue/placate her....and it allows her to sit with her own feelings/words and let them echo within her.
Just try it...I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a co-worker here who advised me to use it once on him when he'd continually repeat himself during conversations. I learned to utilize this tool with my own behavior and responses as well and well...it really helped me to change my behavior with my H. I used to find myself getting my feelings hurt as a response to something he did/didn't do...I learned to stop myself during my reaction and retrain myself to tell him in a truly honest way things I needed to tell him, rather than protecting him from his (and my) feelings.
