Thanks for the complement, nice of you to say. Now, would you please pass that along to my wife? No, I don’t feel as helpless as I did before, but part of that confidence comes from the realization that if I have to, I can and will get divorced. I may not like it doing so but I won’t walk on eggshells to prevent it. Life is not perfect, but it is much better. She can still tick me off at the drop of a hat (well maybe it takes two drops now), but I just do my best to hold it in. If I get really mad, then I will let it out and she can deal with it the best she can. The good thing is that growth is taking place, though I do wish it were a little faster. Still, it could (and has been) worse…
Andy,
Trying to understand what everyone is saying here was a little difficult for me at first. The answer to my problems seems quite clear at the time – it was HER! If she would only be more compromising, more willing to understand my needs, less self centered, less punitive, then maybe things would be ok. Whether this is truly the case or not does not really matter because the path you need to take is the same. Even if she is 100% to blame, the way to get to change is for you to change the stimulus that is causing her to react as she does. Only you can do this.
This was the hard part for me. Like you and so many others, it was difficult to understand why I should change to accommodate her poor behavior. There are MANY stuck on this board still trying to come to terms with this very concept. I think more and more the only way this can be done is to let go of your anger and resentment toward her and all the bad she has done to you. The only way I can see to do this is to push out the compassion (I say “push” because when you are angry, it’s DAMN hard to let it ooze out. It just isn’t in you. So you have to rise up and force yourself to be compassionate. Read my latest thread for more on this.)
To me, you seem to be mixing up two issues and that is making you confused. Your stated purpose on this board is your frustration over the lack of sex. I understand that. Lack of sex makes a man frustrated, angry, aggressive, maybe even a little vengeful, right?
of course i did placating.... so what, if the situation comes up again, just let it go and see where all the chips fall? see... this is where i start to lose it all - how can you be strong and stable, yet maintain a R or M? I guess you cant or dont....
Placating someone is not usually done out of anger or frustration. Placating is usually done out of fear or anxiety. You placate her because you are afraid of the consequences if you don’t. Is that a fair statement in your case?
So the question is – what is making you anxious or fearful? Whatever you may think, the answer has nothing to do with her. You have fear because of something within you, or within your past, that has conditioned you to respond in this way to certain situations. Her actions are just the sort of thing to trigger this anxiety in you. Therefore you need to work on yourself to identify the source of this reaction, understand why you react as you do, then recondition yourself to not feel anxious when she pushes your buttons.
so what are you saying... i should have just kept my mouth shut when she asked what was up? its obvious i cant talk about it.... at least not correctly. my brain just doesnt work that way
again - i know the deal... i just have to learn to accept this (its just so wrong on so many fronts)
So exactly what is it that makes you feel this way? I do not think it is lack of sex that frustrates you when you think you should keep your mouth shut. Neither does it have anything to do with her. It may seem like her in that she is the one pushing your buttons, but it seems like others on this board are pushing some of those same buttons and triggering the same frustration and anxiety within you too. How can that be if we are anonymous? How can words on your computer monitor cause these feelings? The answer is because it all has to do with your unresolved issues, your unresolved growth and nothing to do with her.
I also wonder how you two got started, since she is 5 years older than you. When you two started dating, did she have a little bit of a mothering complex and did you find that comforting? Maybe there was a certain challenge in “conquering” and older woman? Whatever it was, it seems like those same factors may have become sources of irritation for both of you. Perhaps she has grown tired of mothering you and you have grown tired of being mothered. But this means flipping that previous power balance on its head. No wonder this is all so scary for you.
