from these comments I am inferring that you did some extreme placating to get your W to stay. If this is correct you have pretty much nil power in the R, and therefore she has nil attraction for you.
the W woke me up w/ interesting words - nice kisses, and that peaked my interest. (This could be because i completely shut it down for the last couple of days. A talk ensued about that and I just explained how I was just taking a step back and acting towards you, the way I feel you act towards me. I am learning to accept what I have, what I know i cant have, etc. That was really the length of the conversation, at which point the W decided it was time to call it a night.)
Ok so you withdrew she checked to see your temperture with kisses and then you explained to her that it was a tit for tat, she got the underlying message that she still has the power, and promptly lost interest.
Becuase she tested the waters after a couple of days, it says to me that she cares about the R, but your emotional reactivity is killing her sex drive.
but no matter how positive i try to be, something always happens to change my mind to think otherwise
This is not a strong frame at all. It means the positiveness is just a front and you are not being congruent/radically honest.
She cannot trust you when you are flipflopping emotionally. It is not something she has control over. It requires her to take a position in the dynamic she is not built for. She takes it, but there is a price to pay. She becomes your mommy.
edited because I just wanted to add Andy, that for some reason, some measure of respect, duty, commitment to the R exists because
1)she came to you with kisses and nice words and
2) she continues to have IC with you.
I dont want you to develop hopelessness. I want you to realize and feel that what she really needs is a strong man.
next time your are ML, stay away from the no zones. dont give her the chance to raise that barrier. when you hear that escalation of desire from her, DONT charge forward. momentarily stop what you are doing. even go back to something a little less. Let her anticipate what you are going to do next.you can work up her desire just by kissing and smelling her if you take your time and savor it. That doesnt mean her barriers will suddenly disapper. Dont settle for the low quality sex. Demonstrate self control and non neediness by stopping the encounter, once she is all worked up, with a smile, and a teasing remark.
That would be a HUGE 180.
Ok Im stopping myself now.
