I didn’t think you had kids. I thought I saw someone mention to you that you should not have any until the relationship was fixed. So you two almost split once. Who pulled back from the brink, you or her? It sounds like she’s got you walking on eggshells. Even though you are going through all the motions and she is just sitting there judging each one as you run around thinking up another way to convince her, it is you who is scared, right?
She is very secure in the relationship since you confirm to her your enmeshment and “addiction” to her each time you bring up a new approach. Like Schnarch say, she is the LD so she gets all the sex she wants, when she wants. For her, what’s not to like? Do you see the game you are playing? You are the pursuer, she is the avoider. You pursue to sooth your abandonment fears. She runs to sooth her fears, what ever those may be (most likely some type of fear of engulfment, losing her identity, control issues, etc.)
What I found is that my wife is simply full of it when she puts up the front of wanting out of the marriage. When push came to shove and she was looking into the divorce abyss, she suddenly realized it was not so attractive. Not having someone pursue her was also scary. Maybe your wife is like this too? If so, the best thing you can do is stop the pursuit and be strong in doing so.
The hard part is that it will immediately have an impact on you since pursuit is comforting to you. She will feel relief. It will take a while for that relief to slowly morph into anxiety that you have detached from her, and that you are not chasing her anymore. It will take even longer for her to start approaching you. Furthermore, if you respond the first time she approaches you, you will immediately relieve her anxiety and she will think all is well, and it is just another of your games. So as Blackfoot, Corri and GEL are telling you, yes, you do need to change who you are, down to the very core of your being. But I wouldn’t think of it that way. Instead, I see it as a maturation of you true self. You have a deception (like so many of us) that your current self is your true self. I don’t think this is so. In this way, change is not something to fear, but something to embrace. It is also the only way you are going to change the dynamics of your marriage.
