I'm going to ask you the same question all of our MC's have asked me in private sessions....and I want you to think about it honestly.
"What if what you are wanting is simply not something your spouse can give you? What if she simply does not have that in her?" Now saying those things does not mean she doesn't love you with everything she has...but she loves differently than you do. This is not uncommon. It also can mean that she simply cannot provide you with this....now.
You are in a place right now many of us have been...mired down in resentment. You simply don't accept your W as she is, right now. As your situation is at the moment...she's not going to feel safe enough with you to make the changes you are wanting...why? Because she feels judged by you, she already feels not good enough....your resentment will just add fuel to that fire (as understandable as it is). She's icked out by sexual things that turn you on...and well probably feels like you are thinking she's not normal.
Something many of us have had some level of success with...but also battled with is finally accepting our partners for who they are, as they are, right now. I know how impossible this sounds to you...but it relieves the tension between the two of you and allows both of you to be who you truly are. Once your W feels safer with you to be vulnerable and not be judged "not good enough" by you...you might find she starts making changes as a result. Couple that with the behavior modifications within yourself that others such as Blackfoot and Corrie are suggesting and you might be suprised at the results over time.
Take your focus off of her, focus on YOUR behavior...focus on the things your W does that you love about her, focus on the ways she does show you she loves you....and try to accept her for the woman she is right now.
