Have you read through the other threads I mentioned to you early in this thread? You say you have tried everything with your wife, and in so doing, I think you are doing the same thing. In other words, I think you have conditioned her to expect a new approach each day to get her to change. So no matter what you do, she knows it is all the same. Your focus is on her and she is not going to budge. You also confirm her outlook by backing off and trying a new approach. So she is still in the drivers seat, sitting back and watching you go through the motions. If you go too far, she calls you on it and you jump. From her eyes, I think she believes she has you pretty well trained. So if I were her, I would think the relationship is prefect too.
I think you should also read the threads by Fighting4Wife. I see some similarities with you. Both you and he complain about the intransigence of your wives. Both of you (actually me too) have tried many ways to convey how uncompromising she is, how we are doing all the work, trying to save the marriage, blah, blah, blah….. The fact of the matter is that Fighting4Wife, myself, and I suspect you too, are really trying to offload our own fears of abandonment onto our wives, making it their responsibility to change in order to suit our needs, to give us comfort, to sooth our fears.
If she does not want to change, then you need to face a decision, whatever that may be. Pressuring her, trying all sorts of approaches, is your way of avoiding having to make this decision. The very worst case would be something like leaving the relationship. I see this on one end of the scale. Her changing and you not having to change is on the other end of the scale. There are other plenty of outcomes in between these two extremes, but you are not likely to get all that you want.
So what this seems to boil down to is the fear of each of you facing your own issues over vulnerability, cloaked in a power play. As long as this dynamic is not recognized and the underlying issues not addresses, my guess is that each of you will slowly harden your positions. Since you don’t have kids, the chances are higher for divorce. (But I wouldn’t even THINK about bringing kids into the marriage to force you two to stay together!)
Think there may also be a lot of things about you that she does not like. I have not heard you mention any of that. Care to fill us in on her complaints? I also recommend you pick up a copy of Passionate Marriage by Schnarch.
