One of the things you don't want to do is talk this thing to death. All that does is increase pressure on your wife. Reward behavior you like, completely IGNOR behavior you do not like. Like many people on here have said, actions speak louder than words, and were I you... I'd spend a great deal of time focusing on your actions and your reactions. These are things YOU can control.
For example, when your wife wakes you up in a nice way... you can smile at her, you can cuddle with her, and still not get your hopes up. You have to understand that this isn't just HER problem... but how the two of you interact with one another. So your patience and OPTIMISM are paramount. If you have faith that she will succeed, that carries a whole different vibe than if you expect her to always fail and dissapoint you.
One of the things I think is important, too, is your whole 'approach.' What you are currently doing isn't working. So instead of drilling her on 'why don't you like that...' begin to experiment on different approaches. If your goal is to get into her pants... no matter what you do, that is what it is going to feel like to her.
If your goal is to increase physcial intimacy, with or without IC or Os, THAT is going to feel different.
Obsviously there is far more to sex than IC and O, but many HD/LDs turn it into goal oriented sex because it is EASY and doesn't require much effort beyond appropriate physcial stimulation. So if you don't want that kind of sex... stop having that kind of sex.
Your wife, it sounds to me, seems pretty certain, in her mind, that all you want to do is use her to get off. What's more... you want to come up with kinky, funky ways to get off in different ways... which feels demeaning and gross to her. I'm not saying that is correct... but that is what is probably going on in her head. Your actions have not helped to change this perception.
Please do read Peace Between the Sheets... great suggestions. You may also want to consider going to a Marriage Encounter Weekend... GGB has written all about it... you and your wife have to learn how to open up to one another again... to trust one another again... if you are lacking meaningful sex in your life, I'm willing to bet you are lacking meaningful verbal communication as well.
Stop focusing on what you DON'T have and aren't likely to get. See yourself as succeeding. Visualize it every day.
See the situation as an opportunity to change the way you do your marital/sexual business... rather than what it is you have to 'sacrifice' in order to succeed. What you have to sacrifice is some 'stinkin' thinkin' and some old behavior patterns that just aren't working. Were you a business owner... would you get mad that your old business methods weren't working anymore as you watch your profit margins shrink... or would you accept that the market has changed, and you need to 'get with the times,' and try something different?
Why is it that you are the one who has to change? Well, you don't. But you want something more... and your pouting here says you want different 'returns on investment' without altering what and how much you invest. Do you see?
If you really want what you say you want... then you will do whatever is necessary to change yourself in order to reach your goal. The reward of long-term success gets you through the agony of short-term change and effort. But you know this already... you changed your entire physique and did whatever you had to do to reach your goal. You may not have relished it... but you did it to reach your goal.
But you know all this already, right? So. Stop grumbling and get busy.
