Thanks all....

Thanks for the hug GH, I needed that!

So, my new perspective - one of letting it all go, so far is working. Working for me, I don't really care if it works for SO or not. And, I call him "SO" loosely, lol, not quite ready to use XSO yet, and can't come up with any better acronyms - if ya'll have any ideas let me know. Besides AH (a$$hole) lol. Kidding. See, I CAN bounce back!!

Good news - I have decided to get my real estate license again. I got it in 2000, but let it expire with my last employer as I didn't need it in that field and she (my boss, the owner) wasn't comfortable with me having my license in any other office that was a direct competitor. Understandable at the time; stupid of me in the long term. Oh well, it's just another $350 of SO's money (lmao) and I can get it in less than a month. So, I will. WTH do I have to lose?

And, D3 is enrolled in pre-school. Yeah! Although SO wasn't happy with the amount of the check I wrote. HAH! Although my reasons for putting her in this school are because it's cheaper than any daycare I could find. He just doesn't comprehend how much this stuff costs. Even when it's right there in B&W in front of him. Her school is only going to cost $290 per MONTH, and daycare would cost $175.00 per WEEK! So, I wrote a check for 2 months; plus the registration fee, book fee, insurance fee - came to almost $800. I thought he was going to faint. I'm laughing, but too damned bad. He can write it off on his taxes. He wants me out - this is what it's going to cost. It ain't cheap, baby! (Just my bitchy side coming out here, I calmly showed him the paperwork for both school and daycare; asked if he wanted me to pull her out of the school and enroll her in the daycare - he said no.)

Also, you guys know I'm not the best DBer here. Not by a long shot. I try to admit when I've done things completely wrong. I packed my book away because the damned thing always gives me hope when I read it. I guess, looking back over the weekend, and the time since SO moved back in, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt about the reasons "WHY" he was moving back. I mistakenly took it, even though he only hinted at wanting to get back with me - well, I guess I took it too much to heart. So, when OW stays in the picture, well - this past weekend, SO bringing OW to "our" place - the place where we first fell in love; the place where we've been able to go by ourselves; well - it was like MY last "thing" that I had to hold on to was taken from me. And spoiled by OW being there. It hurt me far deeper than anything else he's ever done with her. I guess maybe because all the memories he's had there were, up until now, with me; now he's always going to have memories of her there as well. That cuts me.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did. Coupled with all the lies he told everyone; the things I found out that I didn't know about him; the stress of trying to find a place to live (in 3 different areas). All of it damn near caused me to blow. I regret now telling his father everything; I regret telling his mother what I told her. Not because SO has found out; but - well, I don't even know why.

If I was truly DBing - none of where he takes OW; what he says to OW; or even what he says to his family should really be of any concern to me. But it all got to me. I'm dealing with a man who is part MLC; part plain old WA. He's got his anxiety attacks and physical illnesses partly brought on by the way he handles problems. Perhaps manic; obsessive; or even (God-forbid) narcissistic tendencies.

I realized that every time there was a crisis in our R, I've always stepped up to the plate when things got out of control. I would let him go until he couldn't fix things on his own and then I would take over. I haven't done that this time. I didn't step in and make demands or give an ultimatum about OW. I haven't tried to assist in his financial difficulties (I mean managing the money as opposed to going back to work). I haven't repaired his damaged friendships or family ties because of the problems caused by his R with OW. I haven't done any of that stuff - the "fix it" stuff, anyway, that he had previously relied on me to do.

As far as OW, I'm resigned to the idea that "they" will continue to have a fantasy of what things will be like until "I'm out of the picture." If I were to continue to live here, it will just keep their R in fantasy-mode. And I can't compete with that. So, I will do my best to - I hesitate to say "encourage", but at least take away the clandestine, taboo, illicit status that they had previously.

And, I may even go out on a date! Well, not really a "date", but an "I've got a friend I want you to meet" kind of thing my friend suggested to me the other day.

All right - D2's up from her nap, so, back later with the rest that's running through my head. I need to get it out. LOL And SO will be at work tonight, so perhaps my kids will let me get on here for a bit!!