OK, so I'm going to look at a 3 BR place tomorrow afternoon. How come I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach?
And, going on a hunch, I checked SO's email, well - I don't have access to all of them. But, I see he's been emailing OW - begging her to talk to him. That he's doing all this to make her happy because she asked him to. Blah, blah. That's great. Do all this for a relationship with a girl that you've been lying to and cheating on. Oh that's right, and he'll even admit this, she doesn't know. About any of what's gone on between him & I. How lovely.
And what bothers me the most, is even knowing this, knowing he's sent those emails, I still love him very deeply. Well - not this nut job that's been around lately, but the other guy I used to know. Would most likely consider staying if he asked. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just hate him and make this easier on myself?
Regardless, I'm resigning myself to moving out. He feels I'm in the way here, feels I'm in the way of his R with OW. He'll sacrifice our family to start anew with OW (as long as me & the kids are gone, according to her, it seems), even though he's never been truthful or faithful with her. So, then let it be so.
I'm beginning to believe the kids & I will have a more fulfilling life where we're moving. The only thing missing will be him, and, in reality, he's been missing for a while now. So, the kids will be able to see their aunts, uncles, cousins & grandparents almost daily. Fair trade for their father, I guess. Their father doesn't bother too much with them these days anyway. Always too busy; too tired; too much drama with OW - always too something.
And me. Well, I know never say never. But, once I've moved out, it will be very, very difficult for me to ever be able to look at him the same way. To know it was more important for him to give that *other* R another chance and not ours. So much so that the idea of being a part-time dad with a full-time girlfriend is more important. All the while knowing what I know about his honesty and integrity towards OW. Do you know he even had the balls to say to me "Who knows, six months down the road I may find that I want to marry you". Then, another one: "If you are still in love with me in a few months, you can always move back." Argh.
I mean, the thing is, and I can say this honestly. Had he ever once said he was really in love with her; stopped doing the things with me that he was doing, etc - it would have been a different ball of wax. I could have understood a little better. But, he's telling her one thing - me another. It doesn't make sense. Or, maybe it makes too much sense. Whatever. I suppose it doesn't really matter.
