Not sure what to say. SO moved most of his things back in on Sunday. Things have been incredibly difficult; awkward. He's been talking to me a lot more often, which I see as a good thing. Even if some of the stuff is about OW; his confusion about his life and "us".
Saturday, he told me he had to call OW and did it from here. To me, it was another one of those moments where I had to make sure I didn't mess it up. I didn't say anything other than "OK". He made his call from the bedroom, which was pretty short and I made no comment whatsoever. Later that evening before he was leaving for work, he said that he had tried to get in touch with his mother, if she had come over I could have gone with him to the bar. That shocked me. Not sure if it's true or not, but at least he made the offer. That night when he got home, he woke me, we were in the kitchen and the 1st thing he said to me was "How come you didn't freak out when I called OW".
We've had several talks at his insistence. Mostly about his general confusion. I hate to sound like I'm advising him or whatever, but he's always asking me for advice. He says I'm his only true friend. I told him I was biased (laughingly) towards my cause and I probably wasn't the best person to offer advice. I've tried to point out that no matter "Who" he was ending things with, he was going to go through withdrawal; need to change routines; have regretful feelings; all things associated with a breakup. Sympathizing with his feelings re: OW; while also trying to indicate it would probably be the same if it were me he ended it with. He says it would be worse if it were me & the kids leaving.
I've been plagued with calls from OW - I've asked him why she wants to talk to me. He said because of all the lies he's told her she believes I'm standing in their way. (No comment from me.) I told him I won't take the calls, and I won't. Not sure how much contact they are still in, I'm sure (know) they still are to certain degree, and I told him he wasn't on a time clock and I wasn't about make myself nuts worrying about what he was doing.
The only thing that has me real worried is his deep-rooted confusion. Sometimes it seems as though he wants me to make his decisions for him. Re: our R. Me moving out. He's still so unsure and negative about us. It makes me lose confidence - in myself. I know he's moved back and I didn't force him to do that. He could very have easily stayed where he was or moved in to OW's mothers house, and he chose to come back here. So that's a positive. But, sometimes, when he's so negative - I get negative and just want to throw in the towel and move out. I have to keep myself in check when he starts talking negatively.
One thing he did say, and this totally shocked me - was that he's thinking about seeing a C. I piped in, lmao, and said, make sure it's a SBT!. LOL He asked what that was, and I said it's someone that doesn't dwell too much in the past but helps you find the answers now. We talked about him seeing a C some more, and previously he's said he's prone to telling people what they want to hear - so, because the conversation was not so "deep" and we were laughing a little, I said to him, you know you can't tell a C what you think they want to hear - you're going to have to be honest about everything. He said "I know."
Oh - another thing HE said - and I'm encouraged (?) by this. That OW wasn't the problem. That we have to find out why he did what he did that led to the OW. I was glad that he was the one to recognize this. Not that it really helps when he now has feelings for OW, but, at least he recognized this. He's admitted that no one knows how "involved" we were through all this. That the one or two people he has talked to, he's led them to believe something other than the truth (let alone the lies he's told OW). And, what's worse, is I don't think he's going to admit the truth to anyone.
On top of it, he's still sick. Stomach starting to bother him real bad again, so much that he didn't work his bar remote last night. He's going to the doctor today, but I really hope he doesn't end up back in the hospital again. The doctors had pretty much said they believe it to be a disease that is aggravated by stress. So I don't know what's going to happen.
Me, well I'm trying to live my life for me. Trying to make decisions for me. Trying to keep doing what I was doing when he wasn't living here. It's important that I keep doing that. I have no intention on falling back into the same old, same old. And it's very hard. I need more confidence that I don't have. And I don't know where to find it.
