Hey all, thanks to GH, Muddle, White; Ellie; RB; NNP for all your responses. I haven't been able to get on here much, but I have read them and appreciated them and used the info - just didn't get any time to reply.
It's been a whirlwind week, that's for sure. Emotionally draining; chaotic. Don't know where to start.
Yesterday saw SO breakdown. I mean, really. Crying, to the point of shaking & hyperventilating. Kind of scary to watch, yet, somehow necessary, I think. He's always kept his emotions so far inside that to see this was crucial. For him to allow me to see him this way, is a better way of putting it, perhaps. He kept saying "don't make fun of me." His fear of looking vulnerable to people, I would guess. I think it also had to do with how he thought I'd react to some of the things he was telling me. But I didn't "react"; I listened; talked when I needed to; answered what I needed to; asked questions when I was unclear....even with him being so emotionally distraught, it was an encouraging and enlightening talk. A step - more than a baby step, not a giant step...maybe a toddler step. And when he was saying depressing things about us, I pointed out that things do change - as seen in how we were talking with each other without blame and criticism and harsh words. I think he was very surprised in his realization of that.
He states that he doesn't want to be with OW. And then at the same time, that he knows somewhere deep inside he loves me - but that he's scared it's not the right way. (my translation is he doesn't feel those in love feelings so he doesn't believe that he really loves me.) Said he knew it wouldn't work out with OW; fed her what she wanted to hear and misled her about a lot of things. Said why do I think he hid her from his family and from the kids. Why didn't he stop seeing me.
He says that he told OW (this past Monday) that he wanted to come back home. Wants to come home more than be with her. So, it's funny - he tells me he doesn't know if it's the right thing to do, but yet, that's what he wants. Or, rather - that's what he is choosing. Very confusing. Very confused person.
I know my sitch is a little weirder than some out there, lol- but yesterday I finally got it. "It" being - it doesn't really matter what he's saying right now. He's been here every day this week; asking if he could stay over Wednesday night. He's making the steps. Actions. He's put an end to OW. Action.
So what if it's not my ideal reconciliation scenario. That was MY fantasy - a romanticized, ILY and can't live without you kind of thing. But ya know what - my name isn't Cinderella. And fairytales are merely idealized stories created for little girls. And, what you guys said in your responses also echoed in my head, as well.
I was going to recount everything he said; everything that's happened, but why? {Yeah - including OW calls; along with her freaking mother calling, none of which I took, BTW } SO finding out OW lied to him - says she called here and talked to me 3 weeks ago (when I was out of the damned state!) - but I'm beginning to find it all tiresome. Or, maybe it's finally detachment at it's finest - but whatever it is - none of the crap; none of the drama; not even some of the things he disclosed - really bother me anymore.
And ow's behavior (and her mothers!) - pathetic. Makes me soooooo glad I never found a need to go that route (call OW). And if anyone out there reading is thinking about getting in touch with OP - I suggest NOT! It's kind of sad, really. Pathetic. Pointless. Only makes you look like an ass.
Anyway - I know the road is probably going to get a little rougher before it gets better. Our talk didn't "settle" anything; but, it's a start. He's going to move back in.
And I know this could still go either way. But this time - my eyes are open. I'll be OK if for some reason this doesn't work out.
And, sorry GH - somehow at the same time, I have to say no to the status quo. Things have to change instantaneously. If we fall back into that trap - that old comfortable rut - I fear it will never change and or issues won't ever get resolved.
I know he needs time. So, I'll give it. Give our new R time. Give us time to get past the awkwardness of all this. Hell, I don't even really consider us "back together" or anything. Just working on it. For now, it's a matter of getting thru the withdrawal of OW. Who knows what comes next. Time to set some goals, I guess. Figure out what needs to be worked on most. Helping get his "loving feelings" back towards me.
