That Was Then, This is Now

[MuddleThrough]

This is the big, burning question in my mind. The biggest. Why is SO doing this? All he's said so far is it's the "right" thing to do? I want to ask - isn't there a part of you that loves me? And what feelings does he have yet for OW? Does he really want to be with her? And for some reason this is just the easier option? Why is he doing this?

Why can't I shake the feeling that he's not doing this because he wants to be with me?

This is what I'm struggling with the most.

Oh boy. This is something that I think is inevitable in our sitches. I'm nervous about this too. Do they really love us? If they're not returning because of love, are they going to "play" us again? What is the benefit of knowing his motivations? What if he is doing the right thing just to do the right thing? Would you feel any differently about having him back in your life? You KNOW that he cares about you, but this whole experience with OP has caused LOVE to be redefined. Eventually, you will have to reconcile your definitions, but I don't think this time is close.

The fact that you are concerning yourself with this worries me a little because it represents a large risk of backsliding in your sitch. You are almost looking to him to give you your self worth. You know you're worthy of his love, and the end result of his return is that he's chosen to return. What's the difference whether it's because of love, fear, boredom, or something completely different? The reality is that you now have a huge opportunity.

I know this goes against all our romantic ideals - but that's something that I, for one, have had to completely give up on as a result of this sitch. I know that any vision I have of my W running back to me, who's standing there with open arms, realizing how much she really loved me, and living happily ever after is just as much a fantasy as the idea that our WASs will run off to a new and better life with their OP. The situation is what you make it. My feeling is that if you look for his motivations you'll do nothing but damage your R. You won't feel good about what you find, because it will never be quite good enough a reason, and he won't feel good about you questioning him.

Now, even though I said what I did - I think that I may be viewing the situation without really understanding it, and I think this might be because you don't really understand it either. It seems that there's not really been a whole lot of direct communication about what exactly is happening. As long as this is the case, I would assume that nothing has changed and you need to keep the focus on you. You still have a lot of opportunity to push him away. Needing him to prove his intentions, while I think is normal, is going to put a lot of pressure on someone who likely already is under a lot of pressure just dealing with his own decisions and life. Don't shift your focus. Do appreciate what you've got!