Dancing is a great form of exercise. Belly dancing is great. Like Corri said, you get to go to a class once a week, and there are lots of tapes/DVDs out there you could get to do it at home. The basics are fairly easy to learn and its sexy but at the same time an ancient form of dance.
Lass, I finally got off my backside and scheduled that date for Friday night. H was thrilled. Today, I have two kids with fevers so it may or may not happen. THAT is so indicative of my life, I could scream.
My hair loss has slowed down, thank goodness. I think Lillie nailed it with the stress-induced articles she posted. As far as potential hormonal whackiness, I don't know. The only symptom(s) I have are fatigue and my sex drive is down. My physical desire is hardly there and I almost *need* H to stimulate me to feel desire--NOT that I've told him that. Cripes, we'd never have sex again, so sensitive is he to whether or not I want him. I have never felt like this in my entire life but it's totally possible that it isn't hormonal and is mental/relational in nature. We still keep up a reasonable frequency but the tone has changed because I'm not into it until we're already, well, into it. It's WEIRD and I empathize with anyone whose body is like this all the time.
On the communication front, we are making big strides. I have been after H to communicate directly with me forever. I absolutely hate his style of communication. It is indirect, alot of hinting, speaking obliquely, expecting me to read between the lines--all in the name of being polite, of course. He honestly believes that this style of speaking is less offensive than being direct. To his ears, stating directly what he needs--with manners, even--is brash or bossy. He doesn't see that his own style is even worse, it's self centered...expecting that everyone in the world is hanging on your words SO much that they have the time and inclination to dissect your oblique references and figure out what you need. Here's an example:
MrH: (standing on a ladder) This would be a lot easier if I had a flat head screwdriver. HP: Are you saying you want me to get the flat head screwdriver? MrH: Well, yes!! HP: Oh. Next time just say Yo honeypot would you hand me the FHSD please? and I will jump up and get it. MrH: Why wouldn't you do it if I said it the first time? HP: Because you're assuming that I'm sitting here hanging on your every word, ready to figure out what you are *really* saying. Also, where are the manners and graciousness in the way you said it? MrH: Whatever. Just get me the SD.
So I did.
Later he did it again and I requested again that he ask me things directly. Actually, this has been going on for a couple years but he just recently is inquiring WHY I want him to speak this way. So later in the day he pops off with this: "Honeypot, would you hand me that box of screws?" Sure, dear, I replied and then he beamed at me and said, Didja notice how direct I was when I said that?? So I heaped on the praise and thanked him for making an effort to do this.
It eases my life SO much to not have to be captive to 'reading between the lines'. I'm so busy with my kids, they are so loud and chaotic that there's simply no way I can be tuned in to his vague statements and whether or not they are a veiled request. Even before we had kids, I wasn't so good at this, to tell the truth.
I asked him later on to put himself in my shoes and imagine that *I* was the one who made vague statements that may or may not contain a request and he primarily pleased me via mind reading...how would he like it. Oh gosh no, he replies. I'd hate that. I'm no good at figuring women out. !! So anyway, we are finally making strides in our communication with each other. I cannot believe how long it takes for these deeply entrenched behavior patterns to change and how much repetition is involved. That is, *every time* he makes a veiled request, I reply "Are you asking me to xyz?" and he will say "Uh, yes, that's exactly what I'm asking you." and it reinforces in his mind how I prefer to communicate. I used to make requests of him and get resentful and pissy if he didn't do it right the very next time.
For myself, I continue to work on being feminine and girly and appealing to that side of him that wants to be my hero. He really IS my hero and I admire him more than any other person I know, but letting him know that hasn't always been my M.O.
So good to hear from you. I'm so happy that things are (in general) going well. Be a little patient with yourself as far as your libido goes. It is probably there but just a little underground. You have been through a lot lately. Stress scales ask if any of the following have happened in the last 6mos/1year - death of a loved one, move, job change, marital problems, getting married or getting divorced, having a child and many other things. As you can see you have several of the most stressful items within the last 6mos/1year. The hair thing is a testament to this and so, I suspect is your libido.
I'll bet babypot is getting big. DD2 is almost potty trained and is getting moved to a big girl bed. I don't know if I can handle that.
Sheesh...I do this type of request, too. And Ms.Hdog calls me on it. However, our convos go like this: H: (on a ladder) This would be a lot easier if I had a flat head screw driver. W: Are you saying you want me to get the flat head screwdriver? H: Well, yes! W: Oh. Why not just say Yo MsHdog, would you hand me the FHSD please? H: Okay. Yo MsHdog, would you hand me the screwdriver, please? W: Get it your own damn self, you lazy bum.
Just kiddin... In actuality, I'd go through this whole conversation in my head, climb off the ladder, and get it myself in the first place.
Sheesh...I do this type of request, too. And Ms.Hdog calls me on it. However, our convos go like this:
H: (on a ladder) This would be a lot easier if I had a flat head screw driver. W: Are you saying you want me to get the flat head screwdriver? H: Well, yes! W: Oh. Why not just say Yo MsHdog, would you hand me the FHSD please? H: Okay. Yo MsHdog, would you hand me the screwdriver, please? W: Get it your own damn self, you lazy bum.
Just kiddin... In actuality, I'd go through this whole conversation in my head, climb off the ladder, and get it myself in the first place.
HA!! Mind reader. Stop that. Just tell her to get you the screwdriver. Give her the chance to be negaitive. She may surprise you.
HD, very seemingly simple, changes like this can really have a cumulative effect. Of course if it were simple, it wouldnt be that hard to spit out would it. Fear. tsk tsk.
We are doing fine. A little boring (ok a lot boring) but overall hangin in there. I have completely and utterly succumbed to my H's sexual style and frequency. Whatever he wants, he gets. Whenever he wants it, he gets it. I no longer try to seduce at ALL. Interestingly, this does not bother me. It is simply not worth the fight. Sure we drummed up a lot more passion back in the days of full-on SSM wars, but we also had a lot more lows. Now I just absolutely go with his flow and nurture myself as best as I can. It is working for us, so far. I have no idea what H really think of it, as he is confrontation-phobic so I rarely know his true feelings. I get a "mask" that falls over his face and that's about it. I used to try to deduce things from body language, etc, but no longer. If he wants to talk, he will. If not, then we'll just roll along with life!
Cobra, my question is for you. My mother has become more and more self absorbed over the years. I assumed it was due to my father's rampant alcoholism and her (legitimate) need to make a life for herself that was not in any way dependent on him for anything. My grandmother, her mom, has always been severely narcissistic and has the whole Angry Feminist thing going on. One day, about a year ago, I asked my mom how she stood this when she was young. She replied, You know HP, she wasn't like this when I was young. She was just a regular mom. I asked what happened and she said she didn't know.
So for some reason I did not make the connection between my mom's self absorption and my grandma's. I guess because my gma is mean and cranky and my mom isn't. So my mom's took on a martyr quality to it...poor mom has to get wrapped up in her own life because dad is lost in drink.
Nowadays my mom is SO wrapped up in herself that it's hard to be around her. (this is not due to being a recent widow, btw, she's been like this for years) I had intended to write a message to you asking, Is it possible for people to acquire narcissistic tendencies as they age?, but you were on vacation. Imagine my surprise when I logged on today and saw that very sentence from you.
So then the realization hit me that if my grandma 'passed' it on to my Mom, did my mom..gulp..pass it on to me? I will absolutely croak if I wake up one day to discover that I'm doing this to my own kids.
First let me say that I am no expert on narcissism and only have knowledge from reading and my own experience. I understand that narcissism can be passed along in families, but not because it acts like a virus but because family members are conditioned to maintain the same delusions with each other. This common façade is what I understand to be the cause of generational narcissism. I see the same tendency in my family.
But narcissism is only self denial so if a person is open to seeing other possibilities and their own issues, I do think narcissism can be eliminated. It is more a matter of ignorance than anything else, IMO. The problem is that as people get older, they are less prone to accept alternate viewpoints and instead stick with the opinions they have held for years. So admitting fault and confronting themselves is difficult.
My mother has spent her whole life wrapped up in her fantasy world. At this point (she is 72 years old) she is not too willing to re-evaluate her flaws. I have argued with her directly on this point, even telling her that she is simply scared to see herself and admit to how she has affected others. Her reply is that others should be accommodating her and not doing those things that make her made (and other countless deflections).
When she was younger, I think these same issues triggered fights between my parents, but she still had the optimism of youth to offset this. As she got older, the outlook for future happiness began to grow dimmer, and as more and more people distanced themselves from her or began to stand up to her, she began to grow bitter. As she pulled into her shell, she would focus on herself and find friends who would give her the feedback she wanted (narcissistic supply).
For instance, she has a nice Japanese styled house overlooking the lake and somehow the local Republican party got in touch with her and asked her to hosted a few political fund raisers. Needless to say there was all sorts of praise for her and the house, thanks for hosting the party, etc. Nothing wrong with that per se, but she selectively filters those who give her the ego boost she wants to replace what she has lost with her own family. So in a way she digs herself deeper into her self deception because when family confronts her with her issues, we stand in sharp contrast to the praise so many others give her, so there must be something wrong with us, not her.
I don’t know if this answers your question, but unless you go into a cave, I don’t see how you could ever become narcissistic.
HP... First off, hi there! I, too, am going along with H's "schedule"...for now, anyway, lol. I wanted to add my observations regarding motherly narcissism and aging. My MIL was a very giving person when raising her kids ( her H was a chaotic, alcoholic man and she held the family together). But this point in her life, she is caught up in her own world...my H feels she is just tapped out or something...she is missing that piece of connection she used to have. Now, my mother, by contrast, was emotionally unavailable to me growing up, yet after I had kids ( and she became a grandma) a part of her heart opened up and she became increasingly involved. She has made comments about not knowing "where she was" when I was growing up and has apologized. It's been at times validating and healing. Anyway, the thing I am getting from all this is that we have to somehow stay in touch with the best part of ourselves ( the nurturing and giving stuff) but somehow balance and pace ourselves... find that optimal selfless/selfish balance.
I look at my daughter and wonder if she also possesses the fear that she will end up like her mother,lol.
J, Yeah that's how it seems. She's tapped out and proud of it. I suppose that's what gets my goat, the pride and bragging about her disconnectedness with her kids, while also simultaneously bragging about us.
For instance, she repeated a brag to me that she made to her co-workers (her real 'family', lol) about how she's not going to babysit or have sleepovers with her grandkids cause she's already been there, done that with her own kids. I didn't laugh. She has never watched my kids or helped me out in ANY way. Well, once I had an eye infection and asked her to watch my kids while I went to the eye doctor and she said she didn't want them to come over but she'd meet me at the office and keep them entertained in the lobby til I was done. It is this sort of stuff that she brags about to people, as if they will think it is funny. At the same time, she has a picture of BabyPot as her screensaver and tells me all the time that everyone she works with comments on her. So she wants the appearance of being a loving grandmother without actually having to do anything with/for them. She sometimes doesn't even come to birthday parties and NEVER buys a gift. It is always cash.
At any rate, somedays it's hard to remember what an utterly devoted and caring mother she was til we were grown. She is like two different people. Weird.
HP, The way you describe it makes it sound so....well boring. On the other hand, I know well the routine you describe. I miss the passion, but not enough to get back on the roller coaster ride. We've settled into a 1-2x a week of vanilla sex (some weeks it is every day for several days, and then other times we go 2-3 weeks with nothin). I'm finding when it isn't there I'm not really missing it either.
I've been incredibly busy with work, putting in long hours. I suspect maybe that is part of it, don't know, don't really care. We are communicating decently, and spending more QT than in the past, but the za-za just isn't going zoom, KWIM?
GGB, realizing vanilla ain't so bad when the alternative is tabasco followed by intense heartburn.
