Quote: Part of the problem is that he thinks that doing my HoneyDo jobs is "taking care of me".
My bf is definitely an AOS guy. He will DO anything for me at the drop of a hat, from getting me a drink of water, feeding the dog, running to the grocery store, to planting 10 trees last weekend. I agree it doesn't take the place of lustful looks and deep kisses... BUT... in my marriage to my late H, you may remember that he was disabled (plus his first W was Mrs. Hairdog and a real "my way or the highway" type. She had her way of doing things and any other way was WRONG, so he stopped doing anything).
So I was responsible for EVERYTHING-- laundry, lawn, household repairs, clothing and grocery shopping, cooking, electronics, bill paying and paperwork, cleaning, pets, the temperature the thermostat was set at, absolutely EVERYTHING. He never learned how to operate the VCR, or a computer. He was a smart guy with an MBA, but was depressed and did not involve himself in the running of the household. (He was quite competent and independent in what he considered "his spheres"-- hunting, fishing, and pottery.)
So now that I'm with a man who cheerfully and competently does his share of ALL of that stuff without needing to be prompted even a teeny little bit... I'm much more appreciative than if I hadn't had the experience of having all of the household burdens on my shoulders alone. My bf spots things at my house that are about to break down or fall apart and takes the initiative to go to Wal-Mart or Home Depot or someplace and get the stuff to fix it. Usually he pays for it himself, but if I find out it was a substantial amount, I reimburse him. I totally feel as though we equally share the management of our two households (with each of us having slightly more responsibility in our own home-- but even then, I do laundry at his house and cook, etc.) I know he does the chores that directly relate to me out of love-- I'm positive of it. He also sees it as "taking care of me," and in fact, that's what it is. So... it means a lot to me and I feel loved when he does it. Of course, I would also like to BE FELT UP.
P.S. On one of the first visits to my house... I used the bathroom after my bf, and I came out and said to him, "You did something in my bathroom that NO MAN has EVER done before in my experience." He braced himself for something icky, embarrassing, etc. Then I said, "You changed the roll of toilet paper." (And it's true. No guy, including both my husbands, my one live-in, and my one other long-term, had ever done that.)
Just curious about something, because a thought came to mind in reading how much your BF does for you. You say he is an AOS person, but with his controlling mother, I’m wondering how much he does as an AOS and how much he does out a some sort of conditioning imposed by his mother. Perhaps he does all the repairs because he is used to doing this as a way of avoiding his mother. Now it is so much a part of him he does it instinctually for you, which is great.
But I wonder if he has some deep repressed resentments toward his mother that keep him in a low level sort of depression, always watchful of his mother’s judgment. I know it sounds like projection on my part and maybe even a little paranoid, but I can’t help but think his drive and ED problems somehow have root with his mother. Its almost like he is so well trained and conditioned to think of others first and himself last, that he can’t accept any kind of self gratification and has almost become immune to EC, sort of robotic-like, kwim?
Quote: Its almost like he is so well trained and conditioned to think of others first and himself last, that he can’t accept any kind of self gratification and has almost become immune to EC, sort of robotic-like, kwim?
This describes MrH as well. Maybe not as strong on the robotic front as MrLil, but definitely the training to think of everyone else first. His mother is a first class martyr--you've never met anyone who can spin an event to be all about her, like she can--and so his natural personality tendencies (he is an enneagram 6) were magnified within this particular FOO type.
I've been thinking about your question, cobra, but I really don't know how to answer it yet. My bf and his mom are enmeshed, but their R is like a parent-child, with him being the parent and her being the ditzy adolescent. He tends her, takes care of her, bitches at her, loves her, cleans up her messes. She leans on him emotionally a lot. He doesn't lean on her that much. He does protect herself from her tentacles. More later.
Good to hear from you. Maybe there is some hormonal link between your recent relative LD and hair loss. My only sister who is LD also has problems with thinning hair and the HD rest of us have hair that is thick to the point of uncontrollable.
I get that "absence makes the heart grow fonder/jealousy" drive thing off my H sometimes too. For instance, he was grilling me the other night about just exactly where I was going to be for my monthly book club meeting and then he was all action when I got home. The perverse thing )and as I recall this is true of your H also) is that he is always trying to keep me at home although clearly he is more turned on by my absence. Sort of a variation of madonna/whore syndrome which might be called homebody/party girl syndrome.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My hair has always been full, not thick necessarily. It's fine in texture but I have an absolute ton of it. That's why last year's fallout and now this year's is freakin me out. I am far too vain to watch my hair fall out and not care and yet I am lazy enough to not jump on that immediately. I know you kwim because you are a 7, as well. I'm calling the doc today! What doc, I have no idea! An endocrinologist? I am not one who runs to the doctor all the time and tend to be suspicious of too many diagnoses and medicines. Like Fran, I had my babies at home to avoid the hospital scene.
Yeah, MrH and MrMojo share that in common..the 'I may not want you all the time but I'll be damned if someone ELSE is going to get a load of your HD vibes' thing.
I have yet to tell MrH about either my lack of desire or my hair/tiredness/period changes/hormonal crapola. If he catches wind of that, I will be driven crazy by him peppering me with questions every time he makes a move: "I know you probably don't want this but I'd like to ML. Well, I mean, not if your hormones are causing you to not want me. How is your hair? It looks the same to me. Do you have any other changes? You know, maybe ML right now is not a good idea."
Ugh!
So I'll secretly slip away to the doctor and hopefully it is an easy fix. If it isn't, I'm getting some hair plugs. LOLOL
(seriously, it's not that bad. If I were to post a picture, you'd say "oh hp, you have plenty of hair" but relative to how much I usually have, it's THIN!)
My experience with thinning hair is that about six months after a particularly trying time in my life when my H was hospitalized in rapid succession for leg surgery, then leg amputation, then a heart attack, then pneumonia-- my hair started falling out.
It occurs to me that your move plus your dad's illness and death and all the stress associated with those two events (and possibly others) might be enough to cause the hair loss.
I'm glad you're approaching the doc with skepticism. Chances are s/he won't have a clue and will try to make something up.
These articles say that two to four months is the time it takes to show up. That would coincide precisely with the move and your dad's death, wouldn't it?
HP: You don't necessarily need to start out with a specialist. A general practitioner could probably get you started on a diagnosis, treatment, cure (?).
Hi HP, I've been a lurker for a few months on this site but decided to jump into the fray tonight. Can't sleep so I'm surfing Anyway, just wanted to suggest getting your thyroid checked. LD, hair loss, tiredness, depression, dry skin, aches and pains, weight issues, heavy periods...these can all be caused by thyroid problems. Thyroid drives every system in your body so when it's not working right, it can manifest itself in many ways and an endocrinologist is definately someone you would want to see at that point. Good luck!
Bear
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
Lillie, Thank you for those articles! How nice of you..
Last year's fallout occurred approx 2 months after H lost his job and this year's about 2 months after my dad died (and we moved). So, yeah, it certainly falls in line with that. Man, this sucks if it's gonna happen every time there's a stressor in my life. Hair takes SO long to grow back (even mine, which flies in compared to other folks I know). The stuff from last year was only about 5 inches long and it's already gone! The 5 inch stage was kinda cute...curls around the face and all. But lemme tell ya, the 1 inch stage.....yeah, not so cute unless you're a fresh recruit into the military.
Hairy, the reason I'd go straight to a specialist is because we currently do not have any insurance so I couldn't afford to go to someone who said, I'm going to refer you to a specialist and charge you 100 bucks for this stellar advice, as well. H should be eligible for insurance (new job) in a few months. I kept putting it off, wanting to wait for insurance but it's getting creepy. It's probably more mentally creepzoid than actually physically noticable, as the article noted.
Corri Girl, I was gone again last night and came home to a rather randy version of my H.
