Affairs in Good Marriages?

[MuddleThrough]

I think this one gets it partially right, but like a lot of MLC material, it paints a picture of hopelessness, something that I think many psychologists are REALLY good at.

Perspective plays a big part in this - and I think that this article really looks at it from the state of mind of the person in the A. That said, hopelessness is the name of the game, because hopelessness is a symptom of the highly curable desease of unhappiness. How many happy people do you see having affairs?

It may be denial on my part, but I prefer to believe that there IS hope

Of course you do, because you have taken your happiness into your own hands and recognize the power of your personal perspective. You recognize that there are always choices, and therefore, there is always hope.

. . .and that my W is not in full MLC. I prefer to think that there WERE serious issues in our marriage that no matter WHAT the reason she had this affair, need to be addressed.

You know that book I mentioned a couple of times, "What Happy People Know"? In it, he mentions that it's his opinion that MLC doesn't exist. I think this is interesting, and I sort of agree. I think this is one of those places where we label something based on context. I know in my W's situation I saw many signs that resembled MLC. Was/is she in MLC? I don't know, but I don't think it helps us to label these things one way or another. Once we label it as a disease or something of that nature, we recognize that we have no power over it, and yes, we become helpless.
Your statement about the issues in the relationship seem to me to be a way in which you can choose to do something. You can take action against these issues in a way you can't address the affair. The affair is not the problem, the M is. So, yes, you are not hopeless in the M, but you are still hopeless about the A. This again defines YOUR perspective more than anything else. I don't think it really helps understand your W any better.

Can an affair happen in a good marriage to an otherwise "perfect" spouse? Sure, of course it can but as I think I have witnessed on this board, MOST of the time it's not that way. MOST of the time there are SERIOUS issues that run deep in the marriage that if addressed, can bring about some really positive changes and lead to a healthy renewed marriage.

I think recently my understanding of As has to do with them being a result of unhappiness. As such, because a M is the joining of two lives, there is mutual responsibility for each other's happiness, it's just that we seem to have all gotten it wrong. Unhappiness in either person is THE deepest problem you can have in a M. Period. If the unhappy person can sign on to the hard work it takes for them to be truly happy, the marriage will indeed become a great one.

Again, while I don't disagree with this 100%, the mere fact that it comes out and says there is basically no hope in these cases makes me discount it off hand. It's a matter of choice and I choose to have hope. If I'm wrong, well then I guess I donated a year or so of my life trying to prove otherwise.

As long as there are choices, there is hope. I didn't get from the article that there is no hope for the M, more that being in an A was a hopeless situation for the participant(s).