One thing I neglected to address is Lily’s question…
Quoting lily: You are using DB techniques only, right?
I haven’t thought in terms of techniques for a long time, Lily. But it’s a good question. It’s gonna take more than one post to answer, but here’s a start…
The short answer is no. I’m not just using DB. I also think something KentS posted recently (don’t remember exactly where) is true. Don’t wanna take Kent out of context, but what I got from his post is that once you get to piecing, “classical” DBing doesn’t move you further ahead. You’re sort of in untested territory, and have to be more adaptable.
Bearing that in mind, I also have to say that I avoid thinking in terms of techniques because “techniques” have a nasty tendency of turning into games. And DBing is really about breaking out of game playing.
Quoting Michele in DivorceBusting: Sometimes after reading about doing a 180o people wonder, “isn’t this technique like game playing? Isn’t it manipulative?” Continuing to do the same old thing even though it doesn’t work is no less game-like than doing something different. In fact, since relationships are like seesaws, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is free to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. Spouses often balance each other out in this way. When one person’s views are extreme, it forces his or her partner to adopt an equally extreme view in the opposite direction.
But having said all of that, I can say that I base my actions on a set of principles, and that some of these principles definitely come from Michele’s writings as well as from this BB.
One thing I always bear in mind is the prime directive. If it works, do it. If it doesn’t work, stop it. Some recent posts from Michele phrase it something like this: “Ask yourself the question… Is what you’re doing bringing you and your SO closer together?”
Another principle that I try to adhere to is to not pound W with “honesty.”
Quoting Michele in DivorceBusting: The worst advice a newlywed couple could be given is: “It is important to be open and honest with your feelings at all times.” Although the open expression of feelings is a prerequisite for any successful marriage, there are definitely is a time and place for it. Intense feelings often cloud perceptions, making clear assessments of problematic situations difficult.
It really boils down to being her friend. You shouldn’t lose tact, just because you’re married. “Total” openness about your feelings inevitably leads to finger pointing. Not good.
There’s one “principle” that I see all over the boards which I think is grossly overblown. It’s the idea that DBing is not about your spouse. That ultimately, it’s about YOU. You can’t change your SO. You can only change YOU. While there’s truth to this, I think it gets oversimplified.
Chapter 4 of DB is entitled It Takes One to Tango: Change Your Marriage by Changing Yourself
The implication is that there’s more to it than only changing yourself. It doesn’t imply that you try to change your SO. But you can change his/her perception, and the ways you relate to him/her. These changes in turn change your R.
There’s a big difference between setting out to change your R, and trying to change your SO.
So, that’s my short answer, Lily. And a somewhat more winded one.
