Quoting Stephanep: So my advice to you here is that, even though we have come to depend on you for good sound advice and a helping hand...make sure you are not reawakening those past horrors and in so doing making major withdrawls (is that the way you write that?) from YOUR account!
I refuse to revisit the bad times with my W. Doing so would only bring out a negative atmosphere.
As to posting it, that’s a different story. I don’t post these things so I can wallow in the past. As you pointed out, I do it to try to help people understand their own feelings or even the feelings of their spouses. Dunno if what I say is helpful, but I put it out there for anyone who might be able to relate.
It only happened twice that my own emotions welled up the way it did Tuesday. When it happens, I just wait for the feelings to pass.
I’m not intentionally dragging out those memories, Steph. But I won’t run away from them either.
When I was in the depths of depression, my C asked me what I wanted to be able to say five years down the road. My answer was, “That I’m glad that never happened again.”
The implication of my response is that one day, I’ll be able to look back on the bad times with detachment.
One day, Steph, you’ll be able to look back on the “old GOOD memories” without bringing “along with them a feeling of pain and sorrow” They’ll meld with the fresh, new good memories of which you speak.
Lily,
On several occasions I’ve posted, “The spouse who wants the least from the R is in control of the R.” I’ve seen tree post it as well. I don’t know the original source. I think I read it somewhere.
Something else I heard is that one of the “phases” of a R is “the power struggle.” And to augment that thought, Dr. Phil says that a R is based on negotiation.
I always thought that W and I did a pretty darn good job of negotiating. I still think so. But at some point, W started to feel like I always “won.” The result of a good negotiation – especially in a R – doesn’t have winners and losers.
It all comes back to perception (there’s that pesky word again).
In that sense, you and I truly are in the same situation. In fact I would venture that many – if not most – of the people on Michele’s boards are.
I also think that by maintaining our love, we do indeed foster comfort in our spouses. And, as long as they’re comfortable, they won’t change.
I’ve been there. W used to be the insecure one. She would ask me questions like, “Why do you love me?” I was comfortable in my love. I didn’t feel the need to analyze it, so I didn’t. My honest answer was, “I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter why. I just do.”
Apparently, that was the wrong answer.
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Your quote is slightly different than mine. You stated, "the spouse who cares the less controls the relationship". My view is, “the spouse who wants the least from the R is in control of the R.”
I don’t think Sage doesn’t care. I think that even a WAS cares. But a WAS has given up on getting what they want out of the R.
Quoting lily: Andy, somehow, someway, you and I have to figure out how to break this mindset that your wife and Sage are in emotional control of our marriages.
My take on it is that we have to figure out a way to break their mindset that someone has to be in emotional control.
Quoting lily: Your wife may be comfy in her detachment. Sage wants to come back but isn't feeling pain via detachment.He told C he knows he can fix this; he can't 'see' how to do it but with enough time and no hassles he'll put it together.
You may be right about the severity, but I don’t think either is completely comfortable. In a sense, it’s good for them not to be comfortable (as I mentioned above). From their perspective, if they’re comfortable, then there’s no problem to fix.
And y’know something? It’s good that Sage thinks he can fix this. If nothing else, it acknowledges that there is something that needs fixing, and that he’s gonna try.
And y’now something else? He may just surprise you and fix it. Wouldn’t that be something!
