Had one of those nights last night. H came home during the day and I told him how much I missed him. He came home for dinner and I rushed to greet him with a kiss and to tell him
how glad I was that he was home. We actually had a sit down dinner with S. I waited until dinner was almost over to tell H that next door neighbor wanted his help-I knew he'd be out of there like a flash. He did bother ot help clean up a little. Point: I specifically told him how much I had missed him and was glad to see him-he took off for the neighbors and THEN they went to the neighbors office. I was so hurt Andy. It seems I'm always last. If I say anything, like ususal, I'm making him out to be the villan. I guess they came home and yelled for me and I was in the shower so did not hear them so they went next door thinking I was over there and had a glass of wine. Neighbors wife called to ask if I wanted to join them-I politely declined. He came home about 15 minutes later, took a shower and climbed in bed with me. I was hurting. He asked where I had been-I said the shower-asked why I did not come over-I said my hair was dripping wet and I wanted to do my excercises. No touch, no kiss, no I'm sorry, I know you wanted to be together. Nothing. Had I not gone over and layed my head on his chest he would have gone to sleep saying absolutley NOTHING.
The old Rachael would have told him how she felt. The new Rachael just snuggled up to him and he was very loving after I INITIATED the contact. We ended up being intimant-the emotional connection was good too.
My question is how can they be so insensitive to our needs? DO they really not know how they hurt us? I feel I am always LAST. If ANYONE needs anything he is there in a heartbeat not even asking how I feel, he just goes. What do I do but what I am doing? Let him do his thing and keeping my mouth shut and not show him how hurt I am but keep acting lovingly to him. I kept thinking back to DR and some of the examples-the 180's. DO enough of them and they will start to change. DO I believe that? I don't know. I just know venting would have done no good and set us back. DId I do the right thing Andy? I stuffed, yes, but in the end we were intimant and there was no angry words exchanged. You, better than anyone know how much we have to GIVE all the time. The time it takes them to change feels like an eternity.
I'm still walking on eggshells having to be careful what and how I say things. I want him to realize what he does to me-I want to be put first, and that may never happen. I would then at least like to have him ackowledge me and ask if I have any plans for us before he just takes off.
I have a hurt heart today because of how long this process takes and the way we have to put all of our feelings aside to try and just keep peace in the house, and with them. We don't have to let them call all the shots, but what' the consequenses when we don't? Anger, setbacks,and resentment.
I will keep doing this because I have to believe things will change, and I want a peaceful house for him-for him, that's no controversy. For me it's having my H react loving to me when I initiate,but its also very frustrating and painful at times. I knew you would relate, Rachael
